Polar's Page

Absentia

2012-01-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hi guys and gals...I have to apologize for being absent lately. I have no good excuse, just been working, doing some doggie rescue work, and mostly trying to eat well and be active.

I am losing a few pounds here and there, but it's not where it should be every week, and my efforts have not been where they were on medifast. Not sure if it is just because work has burnt the shit out of me and I'm just TIRED.

For me, it's hard to be balls to the wall on the wagon when I don't have someone to be accountable to...and where most of you say you are accountable to yourselves, I don't feel that responsibility right now. When most of my clothes fit, and I am medically healthy, it is hard for me to drive myself to diet and exercise fiercely when I am looking to improve aesthetics alone.

And no, dieting has not become a way of life, I still want foods that I shouldn't eat, and no I don't want just one bite.

I think the issue is partly this-I have always been angry that the rest of my life takes a back seat to food-when, where, what I want to eat. But with dieting, that hasn't changed-I still think obsessively about the when, where, what...

I resent food, and everything associated with it-including dieting. I am so sad and scared that I will look back when I'm 50, 60, 70 years old, and REGRET that I spent so much of my life obsessing about food and all that encompasses-including dieting...that I look back and realize my life was 80% food, 20% love, family, adventure, discovery, professional satisfaction, etc.

I don't think any of us want to look back and say "Wow, I was such a good/bad dieter, and for that I feel content". Don't mistake me, I am not knocking anyone's efforts, I am knocking my own mindset, because I feel stuck-for the past god knows how many years, it's all food. ALL FOOD. And I know, even if it becomes a way of life, it will always be ALOT of work-ALL ABOUT FOOD. What kind of life is that?? Sorry for the self-pity, this is just pissing me off.

The Chocolate Cake that Never Was

2012-01-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

So, yes, as it turns out I am a dog, because I still reward myself with food...to be specific, I rewarded myself for a decent year where I managed to lose a shitload of weight and keep most of it off.

And I rewarded myself for not eating my way through the holidays...of course I did so by eating this chocolate cake...my favorite, from Grand Lux Cafe...

The irony is so thick it is almost choking me. Yes, I am an idiot.

What's worse is that afterward I felt soooo glass-half-empty...

So I guess it turns out...

So is that good news or bad news??? Well considering I ate probably a 2000 calorie piece of cake and felt so anti-climactic I wanted to cry, I'd say this is more than just a shitty piece of cake not holding up it's end of the bargan.

I believe in fact it is the Post-Christmas Blues-aka New Year not so happy...but I have no excuse. In fact I took off the latter half of last week in the hopes to find my mojo again, and yet I feel equally bummed and equally pissed off at myself for being bummed...

So I told hubs next time I want that cake remind me how not thrilled I was with it this time...of course he said yes, and of course I will forget...ah gotta love the selective memory of an obese brain!

Now of course I want to go home and eat junk, which of course does not exist in my house for times much like this when I could eat the granite off the countertops. So, no, I am not thinking about resolutions, about continuing my diet, about being happy in love, life, etc.

And naturally, as utter cockup may have it, I am back to feeling like everyone is whispering about me behind my back...

Where's a good acid trip when you need one???

Fucking cake...

Diagnosing our Diets

2011-12-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

So being a nosy Nelli, and nearing my typical plateau, I was wondering what dieting methods and ideas everyone out there is ascribing to at this time...

So I devised a few questions that I was hoping you could all answer for me, since I can always use inspiration to break through the 180's...I don't care how brief or wordy you are, say as much as you like, but it would be great if you could answer!

1. Briefly what kind of diet are you using right now, and what supplements (if any) do you take while dieting?

2. Approximately how many calories do you feel you need to consume to lose weight effectively, without being a zombie?

3. When/if you have reached your goal, what maintenance plans will you use?

4. How often do you exercise, and what kinds do you do?

5. Pre-diet, what foods were your weakness, and how do you avoid them now?

6. If you yo-yo dieted in the past, what do you plan to do to try to keep the weight off for good this time?

7. How do you reward yourself for losing weight, if at all?

8. What is your plateau-busting secret?

9. Do you feel that the dieting process has increased or decreased your self-confidence/self-worth?

10. How do you stay honest in your dieting?

I thank you all in advance for any help you can provide!

Happy Holidays from Doogs the 140 lb lapdog

2011-12-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

So here is Doogs (aka Duggan), trying to climb on Tim's lap, and Tim trying to protect his family jewels from being nutcrackered...

"I'm right HERE and much more interesting than that bitch on TV!"

You see, Doogs is what one would call a 'velcro Dane'....meaning that he LOVES his people-meaning us-and wants to be near, on, snuggling us all the time...even when I am laying on the floor trying to do sit ups...

"Ok, if you're gonna die, please open my foodbag first..."

He is a fantastic exercise trainer though, as I spend half my energy trying to keep him from biting my bouncing butt while I am doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred...and he reminds me that I do not need to eat crap, as he stands and lays his head on my chest looking up at the morsels I am cramming into my mouth as I forage in the kitchen...

"Gimme that fucking cupcake or I'll rip out your jugular when you're asleep..."

And no one can make sleep look as good as him, though I will never be as flexible to ball myself up or pull my legs above my head (as my husband would like I'm sure)

Doogie ball


Rubber doogie

Fighting sleep...

But he really is a little kid, above trying to NOT fall asleep, head resting on his chest (just checking out the back of his eyelids, as my husband would say)...but he has his moments when he can't resist sleep no matter what position he is in...

Yes, he is sleeping head down somehow...

See, he is terrified we will leave him, as his original owners did, chained in the backyard to a tree, because they didn't realize he was deaf. He has separation anxiety for everything, apparently...


Doogs fell asleep while chewing Kong bone

But what a mushy-faced lovebug, never have I felt such appreciation from a rescue dog...granted they haven't all had such dependency issues!

In fact he is so tolerant, and will let us do anything, which is both a good thing and why he got rescued from the shelter after being dumped, and bad because he dealt with way much more than he should have...but he is a smart cookie, after all he chose us!


He looks better in my glasses than I do!

So here's to our 140 pound lapdog, the best Christmas present we could ask for-I know Polar and Pearl would really love him-what's not to love with those mushy cheeks???

My Present to You this Christmas!

2011-12-18T15:21:00.000-08:00

Since the holidays are tough on all of us (who are trying to keep from stuffing ourselves into a sugar cookie coma), I decided to try to inspire the healthy chefs in all of us (read: me especially!)...

So I challenge all of you to post your original, healthy, home-cooked holiday recipes...paste the address of your recipe post on your page into my comments section on this post...all posts before this Wednesday at midnight will be considered...

The winner will receive a package at their door filled with their favorite products from Netrition.com! This is a fantastic website with specialty food items and supplements for EVERY diet...just in time for renewing your commitment to weight loss in the new year!

Caveats: Recipes MUST be original or your novel spin on an old favorite, and holiday related-entrees, appetizers, desserts are all welcome are all are equal-opportunity winners! One entry per person, please.
Good luck to everyone!

Saving a life besides your own

2011-12-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

We all know how wonderful it is to lose weight in order to become healthier...in fact obesity is the cornerstone risk factor for almost all really serious, common diseases...cardiovascular disease including heart attacks and strokes, diabetes, cancer, even Alzheimer's...

I don't need to tout this over and over, because we all hear it everyday, as we strive to put ourselves first in the race to be healthy...but yesterday I got a chance to save another life.

I work with a couple Great Dane rescues in our area, and one shelter has a 'dane' boy who my rescue wanted me to check out. So I drove up there, an anxious knot in my belly...just the thought that I would be responsible for a dog living or not made me feel sick to my stomach, but so excited that he would be appropriate for us to pull into rescue.

After arriving, my hubs and I were brought back, past a long row of big dogs in other kennels to a large black happy boy in the end kennel.

The staff let us take him into a room and interact with him. He passed a variety of tasks...he does not appear to be dog aggressive at all, if anything he is submissive...he approached and was happy to see both of us as complete strangers...he was happy and excited but not destructive or out of control...we poked, prodded, looked at his teeth (and junk underneath), and he didn't flinch or budge like he was not ok with us doing that...

So one reason I had to go see him was because we were all wondering if he was a purebred Dane, and at ~75 pounds he is definitely a mix, most likely lab...

But what a wonderful dog, and we are definitely going to try to pull him into our rescue and get him a home.

What makes me sad is that there were at least 5-6 other dogs in the shelter that were very place-able into homes. That and the fact that stray dogs are only held for 6 days, and those relinquished by owners are only held for 24. 24 hours that is...

So if you are reaching for gifts for that special animal lover in your life this season, I ask that you research shelters in your area, not to get a dog as a gift for someone, but because many have a special program that can help save a bunch of lives...these programs allow people to pay the small adoption fee for an animal at the shelter, then the animal will be held forever until someone is interested in adopting, and then the animal will be placed free of charge to that special home.

This is a great way to help save animals without bringing them all home and becoming a hoarder...tis the season to give, and not much is better than giving an animal it's life. Happy Holidays everyone!

Best and Worst Vacations for losing weight

2011-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

So most of your know that I am a vacation junkie...often planning one after coming back from another. In reality, planning (and going on) vacations is my therapy.

They REALLY give me something to look forward to...if money were no object, I would probably go on about 5 nice vacations a year, now we are able to go on 1 (well and a half if you count a weekend in Vegas).

Knowing that many of us, me being the biggest offender, like to eat and eat well on vacations, I decided to really think about options that would be more conducive to losing, or even just maintaining weight...without feeling like I'm in a jail cell. So here is what I came up with, but please add your own suggestions or ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Great options:
1. Health spa-If all the skinny, beautiful employees doesn't make you feel guilty enough for eating that cracker, then the healthy focus and activities will...often these places have extremely healthy, yet delicious and exotic, menu options, in addition to lots of fun things to do ALL day long. Heck even getting massages, wraps, mud baths and not moving is better than eating all day!

2. Dude ranch-This is my personal favorite. I once spoke to a doctor friend who mentioned she and her family went to the same dude ranch in Colorado every year for 20+ years. There horses where assigned just for you for your entire trip, that you could take out and ride anywhere, anytime. There were also scheduled hearty, but not greasy, meals everyday-and everyone dined together. I don't know about you, but I always eat better when I am amongst strangers. There are also hiking, skiing, and biking options, and many places also have spa options.

3. Snow Skiing-This is pretty self explanatory. ;-) I used to love to go skiing, the day would literally fly by when I was on the slopes all day. I often forgot to eat, which of course is not great, but it is high activity, great fun, and I found I could eat just about anything without losing weight...probably because I would fall asleep pretty early from being so exhausted.

4. Eco trip-There are many places that you can travel to-in the middle of the jungle, mountains, tropics-far away from restaurants. These places often cook meals for you, like a bed and breakfast, and there is little room for cheating. Plus, with such interesting places to explore, hours often fly buy without thinking about that cheeseburger.

5. Beach getaways-Ok these can go on both lists, depending on the resort and where they are...less touristy places are likely to have less fast food options, and more natural, cultural cooking. All inclusive resorts can be as bad as cruises...

Not great options:
1. Beach getaways: At all inclusives, food is often at your beck and call, is pretty processed, and is free-which would be a nightmare...

2. Cruises: Stuck on a boat with lots of food options-yikers! Sure there is lots to do, but I have never met anyone who HASN'T gained weight on a cruise. EVER.

3. Las Vegas: I know this from personal experience-this place is becoming a foodie heaven. Lots of high and low cost options that are really, really delicious. And you can only gamble so much...then what???

You guys got ideas?

But I'm a Cheerleader!!!

2011-12-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

So you all know that girl from high school...no THAT girl-who drinks a diet coke (and ex-lax) for lunch, blushes that she's not THAT popular, is exceedingly perky (both in spirit and boobies), guys falling all over her (to touch said boobies), grades don't matter because she is THAT gorgeous...of course she is also a cheerleader (cause what accentuates the annoyance of her being more than a tight sweater and ass-skimming skirt?).

Evil bitches

Yes, I know I am sterotyping, but guess what??? It's my blog, oh and yeah, I was a cheerleader briefly (with great boobs but with more brooding qualities and much fewer smiles and loud "tee-hee!"s across the lunchroom)

But I digress, as usual...my point being this...THAT girl was always "oh I'm SOOOO fat, I have all this flab EVERYWHERE" (said with rolling eyes and pointing to phantom fat in cute skirt/tight sweater).

Me? I was an athlete, 138 pounds, and I thought "well if she is fat, then I must be a behemoth!" A.K.A.-A large lake-swelling monster with enormous thighs, etc., and what must SHE think of me if she thinks her perfection is off cause she obviously has it all together?!?

This brings me to this other point...seems everywhere nowadays that people, really thin, naturally thin people are coming out of the woodwork to tell *ME* that they are getting so fat, and they need to lose weight. Um, 'scuse me???

I realize I lost alot of weight (prior to my small regain) but to bring this up to me makes me wonder...why me? Because I will agree and lament with you how disgustingly fat you are? (seriously???) Because I will furiously shake my head INSISTING that no, no, no-you are perfect? Because it is their way of negating all my hard work (making them feel better about themselves) because I will never be as thin as them?

Even lately in Blogland I have read several posts about people who have lost alot of weight now lamenting how they are so upset because they cannot lose that extra 2 pounds, and boo-fucking-hoo.

Yes, I am angry because I am struggling right now and up a few pounds, and it seems self-serving to dwell on the miniscule when the major goal had been reached (being healthier, etc.)
Yes, I know we are our own worst critics, and we see what no one else may ever see, either due to our own delusions or because we are never naked in front of anyone else but ourselves.

But here is the thing...I cannot be upset with these peeps, because I am one of them. Or rather I was one of them when I was 160 pounds a few months ago...I was that horrible obnoxious cheerleader shouting from the rafters "Poor me, I'm only a size 8, and I NEED to be a size 6!"

And my lovely peeps, I am SO sorry for that. How fucking annoying. Hell, I am pissed at me, not only because I did not SEE how skinny I really was (the real crime), but because I drolled on and on. And on. I did not realize I was inadvertently flashing my success in your faces, possibly unintentionally bringing you down, being THAT girl. Yuck. I will work on that hypocrisy, I promise, and not shake my perky cheerleadery ta-tas in your face again.

So I apologize. I cannot promise I will never cheer my future losses and lament my errors, but I will never again harangue again about not being small enough...should I ever be 160 pounds again that is, God/Goddess/Jillian Michaels willing...

Death by Cupcake(s)

2011-12-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, that would be 6 cupcakes.

In one sitting.

Yep, it's official, I'm a pig, and quite the emotional eater, but a tough, long day at work is NO excuse-I know this lesson. Not a bad put away for one hour.

I don't even want to think about all those empty calories.

I fell asleep at 7:30am on my couch-talk about a crash.

Goes to show I am definitely what I eat-and boy do I feel like an empty, sucked on, soggy cupcake wrapper...cause what kind of obese-brained nutbag would I be if I didn't get every cupcakey morsel off the wrapper???

Oh well, tomorrow is another day...I wish I could just memory-bank how crappy I feel after eating shit like that. Sadly it won't be my last binge, but they are fewer and farther between these days thank goodness.

Wishing you all a binge free week, with lots of non-sugar highs.

Random Facts and Inconsequential Ramblings

2011-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

Feel free to jump in!

My current stream of consciousness reads:

1. I can't believe that people who don't poop for a few days can hold up to 30 extra pounds of shiz-nit in their colon! Does that mean I am really 145 pounds already??? Imagine all the toxins crammed into my, well, nooks and crannies!?!? Where can I sign up for a poop chute brushless crackwash?

2. Why do people, who have never been more than 5 pounds overweight in their whole lives, proceed to give me ~unsolicited~ advice on how to lose large amounts of weight??? When I need to maintain again-I'll give ya a call, until then can you shut the f-up and check out firsthand the state of your own colon?

3. A multi-location study worldwide of year-long workplace weight loss programs showed that between 5-10% of weight loss DRASTICALLY reduced cardiovascular risk factors, and that more than 10% loss was even better. Yes, a little goes a long way, and no, you may not just lose 5-10%-I know you people! ;-)

4. How do people run office lottery pools where people put in money each week and collective lottery tickets are purchased? How do they keep it honest so that douchebag slacker from the mailroom doesn't stake a claim to their powerball winnings?

5. Do I want to sleep with Hugh Laurie because his character House is hot or annoying or a chauvinist? Does this mean I have daddy issues and should be working a pole somewhere for some real dough?

6. Why are makeup brushes so expensive?

7. Dysons are awesome, though mine smells a little. (That's what she said...ba-dump-dum)

8. Would my dogs eat me if I passed long enough out from a low calorie faint? Would they even try to get into the dog food cabinet first??? Would they start with my meaty boobs? Or do they stare at my thunder thighs just waiting for the day when they can tear off my juicy drumstick? That's it I'm sleeping with the door locked from now on...

9. Why do the large and tiny low fat pretzels taste differently? Isn't it just a size thing or are the recipes different?

10. What the fuck is wrong with my brain and why the fuck can't anyone come out with a decent tasting fat free fucking cookie??? And yes, I know fucking a cookie is a sin.

Giving Thanks Bob Harper-style

2011-11-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

When my nuggets of wisdom come from reality TV, it makes me wonder about the status of my life. Ha! But then where in my real like would I run into such veteran weight loss gurus as Bob Harper-the infinitely less abrasive long-standing Biggest Loser trainer?

So as you guessed, I was watching The Biggest Loser this week, and was very interested in the exchange between Bob and Antone, while discussing John's ambivalence on the scale.

You see, every week John gets up there, pulls very decent numbers pretty consistently, yet he is always disappointed to some degree.

And you know what Bob said??? He said that since John didn't appreciate his losses, that he would never realize how far he had come, what he went through to get there, and therefore it would be super easy for him to regain his weight...

I wonder if this is a problem for all Medifasters, too? See we are conditioned to expect 3-5 pounds of loss per week based on program design, because hey-that is what the posters and ads all say, as well as what my weight loss counselor said initially...

So we see these losses, come to expect them as regular, and pretty soon 30, 40, 50, 100, etc., pounds are gone, and we may have never stopped to realize in actuality how difficult it really is to lose weight, how devoted we were to do so, and how skinny we have become. Heck maybe this is a problem for everyone?

See, I realized that I never STOPPED pushing myself, being tough on myself, staying focused, to say "hey, that is a shit ton of weight that you lost, look how good you look, feel how good you feel, good for you!!!" Sure at the end when I hit 159 I was pretty proud of the number, but I'm not sure I really knew how skinny I was-obviously I didn't because when I gained a few back I had virtually no idea.

Now I'm not talking about taking a break from dieting, but snapping out of the zone to have some a-ha moment, doing a happy dance, etc.

I guess I let the routine get so routine, that I never fully grasped how far I came because one week was the same as the next-being a machine is not always good I guess. This may sound very 'poor little rich girl', but seriously I have to realize that if I don't cheer my success then I won't see my failures coming until the rolls are hitting me in the face (quite literally).

I think my Medifast counselor even realized that I was not appreciating how well I was doing after a while, but at that point I was a lost cause-being cranky over a three pound loss because it wasn't five...but by then it was too late, my mindset was, well, set.

Therefore this time I will make much more of an effort to appreciate my successes, because I know I will lose weight, that is not in question, but I need to be proud of myself, so that my success does not mean hitting goal, but cheering the journey every step of the way...

So my journey is just that, a long yet satisfying push to goal, and is not summed up by my destination alone-only then will I be thankful for what I've done, where I've been, and how I look and feel NOW.

"Jillian" starts with a "B"

2011-11-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving I will be thankful for many little things...

It's amazing how we lose sight of the small joys in life-
like being able to sit to pee.

Yes, Jillian Michaels took that little joy away from me, so this Thanksgiving I wish her a burnt turkey...

Ok, who am I kidding? I would not wish bad food on my worst enemy, but seriously, her 30 day Shred is NO joke.

After seeing The Biggest Loser for years with her tough love whipping couch potatoes into a fine mash puree, I should have known better.

Sure I do the elliptical 6 days a week, and sure I survived p90x, and of course I discounted the myriads of great reviews on her DVD touting their wonderful fit agony when I was browsing Amazon...

So my brilliant head stated "how can 25 minutes of exercise be that hard?" And "I can do anything for 25 minutes". That last statement is true, and I have done her DVD start to finish without missing a beat...but the next morning-whew!

As I was looking for the tire tracks marring my pretty bed coverlet from the truck that plowed me over, I remembered the semi was none other than Miss Peterbuilt herself-Jillian the Villian. (Yes, I know I spelled it wrong, but I rhymes and emphasizes my drama!)

From the waist down, I am useless (that's what he said, ba-dump-dum). So I stretched, I popped some ibu's, I stretched again, and yet urination may as well be a four letter word.

First he only gains 5 pounds while eating double the crap that I was, now he gets to stand to pee-more evidence that my husband has made a deal with the devil. Bastard.

This is SO inconvenient, as I truly need all my muscle coordination and faculties in order to use my extra pounds for the good of mankind and kick some Black Friday ass...

Anyway, besides LOVING my new JM DVD, nothing else new here, eating well, exercising to the best of my hobbled abilities, and plugging forward.

Stay safe and sane this holiday-and if you see any good online black friday ads for an LCD/LED 50+ inch TV, let me know!

What I know for sure and where I'm truly F'd

2011-11-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

So it has been one long...LONG...year and a quarter.

I have learned some things about my obese brain, body, insanity-these have mainly come from what I have read, because hey, when you're a food addict it's hard to foster any logic that will keep you from passing on the pie when your smelling it straight from the oven.

I dare say I still mostly operate in a food "haze".

Let me explain...I read once that men think about sex once every 7 seconds (seriously how do they get anything done??? But I digress...) However, I can honestly say that I think about food at least every minute less...

Oddly, yet honestly, enough, this explains why I get my good feelings, and release of good feeling chemicals from eating food...not sex.

Sure this used to be different, but for me, eating food has replaced almost every other satisfying activity out there. Scratch that, it HAS replaced every other activity...

I know obese people need to eat twice as much of the same 'comfort' foods to achieve the same high as normal weight individuals.

I also know that when I eat in front of the TV, that I continue to eat the same food long after it has served it's "intoxicating" functions. In fact, literature states that as we eat the same food, each subsequent bite holds less and less "intoxicating" power-ie our brain receptors that signal satiation and good vibes are less and less impressed with each swallow.

I also know food triggers the same area of my brain as does narcotics for a drug addict.

This is what I know-though it doesn't always keep me from the food, because I am flawed, and I know I can justify the pants off of eating whatever I want no matter the science that I "know".

Where I'm fucked beyond my physiology, however, is just about everywhere else when it comes to food...see I still remember Polar's passing, and now Pearl's, but I could not (for the past few months anyway), relive, remember, recover any of the agony and just plain old shitty misery I felt while losing all that weight...not enough to keep me from depression-eating back those 15 pounds.

And why could I not see how skinny I was at 159 pounds?? And moreso why could I not see that I was gaining weight again? I guess body dysmorphia goes both ways...this is not a lesson I wanted to learn this way!

I do know that I am never going to see myself as skinny, no matter what I weigh-this is probably where I am truly fucked, because I can honestly see myself going from a food addict directly into an anorexic mindset.

Yesterday I spoke with hubs about the fact that I trade one addiction like food, for another like shopping-but the fact is that nothing is as satisfying as food for me. Nothing.

You could say "don't give food the power", but you know what?? It will ALWAYS creep into my brain, every minute or so, and if my only power is deciding not to act on it, then I will have to deal with the constant "foodasizing" in my brain.

Because I'm always going to want to eat chips while watching football, go to dinner for celebrations, grab candy at work when I'm starving, make cookies when I am depressed, reward myself with pizza after a good day at work...

So while I sit here typing AND thinking about what I am going to have for dinner, I realize how food-centric I will always be, and how fucked my fat brain is, yet maybe my solace lies with the fact that knowing this may be the best weapon I have.

Low fat takes on my TG Day favorites

2011-11-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

So the old me would have made these with EVERYTHING...but through trial and error I have realized there isn't much taken away at all in regards to taste if I low-cal these up a bit...

Sure they are a bit of a splurge, but the substitutions are pretty numerous and the calories relatively lower than the originals, so here ya go!

Spicy Creme Corn
-Two cans or frozen corn
-Fat Free cream cheese-about 1/2 to 3/4 pack is fine
-Half stick of margarine or equal amount of spread
-Jalapenos (diced), I like them pickled from a jar, but if you use fresh I recommend turning them over in the pan with the margarine first so you don't burn your mouth (and subsequently your asshole) off
-Garlic salt (pinch), or fresh garlic (clove) sauteed in the pan with the jalapenos
-1/4 sweeter onion (in pan with garlic and jalapenos first)
-options-mild chilis or other kinds of peppers or rotel

What I love about this dish is it's flexibility in preparation-can be done days before, the day of, and eaten much after and tastes great each time!

Yukon potato puree
-8 yukon golds
-1.5 cup skim milk
-1/2 half and half or other lower fat cream
-1/4 fat free sour cream
-1/4 cup margarine or low fat spread
-1 tsp salt
-optional-1/8 cup parmigian cheese
This recipe is a little more in depth, but well worth it, though it is higher cals than the corn recipe, and I usually only make one of these per holiday meal.
So peel and quarter and rinse potatoes, then boil them with salt gently for 10-12 minutes or until ready...
Heat milk and cream until hot but NOT boiling-microwave works well
Drain potatoes and heat in pan to dry them over low heat for ~1 min
Mash/rice potatoes in pan
Mix in butter and optional cheese and sour cream
Add hot milk and cream mixture until puree as soft as you would like
Salt and pepper to taste

Enjoy!
pepper

Relapse is a dish best served with Ranch

2011-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

How are you all??

I'm kind of back. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.

Everytime I tried to come back, I read my last post and realized that after reaching goal, the wind went out of my sails, and the reason (anger over losing Polar) of why I was pushing so hard just left.

And I felt sad. And then it happened again. Pearl, Polar's sister, had a spinal stroke which caused Wobblers, the same thing from which Polar died. Then she developed diabetes from the steroids which were treating her Wobblers. Needless to say, it was a tug-of-war in which she would undoubtedly come out the loser no matter which ailment we treated.

So she was put to sleep...on Memorial Day.

And I ate.

I ate 15 pounds back onto my butt, thighs, face, etc...so I'm back in my next attempt to get down to 145, a weight I have not seen since highschool as you may remember.

This time I am not doing Medifast strictly. I have found these Eating Right micro meals which I love, because let's face it, I am one lazy cook. The rest will be the same, several small, low cal meals /snacks throughout the day, and water water water. Also P90x, elliptical, and some Jillian MIchaels thrown in there to keep me honest...cause let's face it she is one scary bitch who would scare the fur off a grizzly.

Oh, and walks every morning...with this guy.


Duggan

So this is Duggan, our new deaf baby. Well, actually he is almost 3 years old. His street name is Taco, because when the rescue went to get him at the animal shelter they said that he only spoke Spanish...because he didn't respond to the staff. HAHAHA! Rescue said, uh no, he is DEAF, not HISPANIC.
His name is also Taco because he loves to steal them, when you are mid-bite. No joke.

So here I am...I'm back if you will have me my friends! On to the next weight loss goal!

A Year and a Goal-come and gone

2011-04-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago tomorrow, I lost my boy.

One year ago I was sitting on the floor of his room, covered in white hair and pee, because he was stress shedding as he was peeing himself and could not stand anymore.

I was cramping and crying. I remember what I was wearing, not just because I still look at the pictures. I don't need the pictures to take me back to that day.
I have not worn that shirt since.

The last day

After he was gone, I cried and hugged him for about a half hour-watching the color of his nose turn from blood-perfused pink to hypoxic purple. I covered him in a sheet, stood up and accidentally stepped on his foot. I actually apologized, but he didn't pull it away-it all became more real with each passing second.

While trying to lift his body into transport to the crematorium, I threw out my back-just desserts in my opinion.

I clipped some of his hair which I still carry in a ziplock baggie in my wallet. Hair and ashes are all I have left. Or so I thought...

I was 250+ pounds (still harboring a $10K lapband that I failed to use), depressed, and totally uninterested in life. After he was gone, life held even less meaning.

Before Polar's Death: March 2010-I actually felt thin that night, I'm hiding behind a plant in the dark , and I'm still HUGE.

My husband didn't know what to do, bless his heart. I cried everyday for 3.5 months. I tried really hard not to cry in front of anyone, except Pauli, my brown furry therapist...

In March 2010 prior to losing Polar: with the Fudger

And I tried to understand why I was so upset over the death of a DOG. Then I stopped looking at the pictures of his last day, and started to remember him this way...

And this way...

And I realized why I was grieving so hard-
Polar WAS what little zeal I had for life-the sliver of optimism and motivation and perseverance that I was struggling to find and hold-he had it in spades.

He was my role model. Deaf and partially blind, doing everything he wanted to do, and trying everything even though he often failed. He never stopped trying new things, repeatedly finding the joy in life.

I didn't have to look far to find my joy, because he gave it to me. I received the sliver of everything positive I needed in him, as well as in bits of everyone and everything else-except for myself.

I had stopped trying to push myself to find my own fire, when or why exactly I don't know... But I was living off of Polar. When he died, I had no choice-my silver lining was gone. I hibernated, slept away my free time, retreated into grief, ate even more. I am sure I was clinically depressed, and at times I still feel the all-consuming grief.

When I lost Polar, I realized that alot had changed, and that I was the only one not changing. If I wasn't going to change and acknowledge what he gave me-respect his memory-then I may as well check out-permanently. Because I was not living, not really.

Two weeks later I went to Medifast-walked in on a Saturday morning. Plopped down my credit card, and a thousand dollars or so later, I chose my path.

For me, it was the road less traveled. I chose change, to push myself, find my fire. In part because I knew Polar would never forgive me for giving up, since he did so much more with so much less. But mostly because I knew if I didn't take a risk to change my life, then his lessons would be for naught, and it would be as if he never existed-and what a loss that would be. Let's face it-I was on a path with an early death.

So I sit here today, 160 pounds. Shattering my goal of 161 by a whole pound.

When I think I still have a fat body in this pic from last weekend, I look at it in reference to my hand size...

Sure I would like to lose 15 more, if that is even possible with my body type.

But I am going to Turks and Caicos in two weeks with my wonderful husband, and for the first time, I am enthusiastic about sitting on the beach in a bathing suit.

Now I can cross my legs without having to squeeze them to stay that way, I have no cankles, and I don't feel like my arms are stuffed sausage casings...and apparently I have collarbones and shoulder blades. I walk down a hallway and look passersby in the EYE. Who knew?!

I still see a fat girl in the mirror, and that may take years to reverse, but I am starting to believe the compliments. Or at least I am not immediately refuting them...

But for once, I am happy and hope actually seems possible...And I know Polar is proud of me.

Three weeks ago in San Antonio

Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. I love you guys.

The Fat Ghost

2011-03-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, hope you have all been happy, healthy...

I have continued trying to figure out the chronic abdominal ache, but it still aches, and still no answers. Frustrating, but honestly I don't have time to figure out this crap anymore.

I figure I am not growing a tumor baby or have some horrible blood disease, as the bloodwork and ultrasound were 'normal', as I think I mentioned, so I need to move on.

Until my faith in modern medicine is restored somehow, I don't think I will pursue other specialists in this matter.

Onto another matter though...I have been debating about this for some time, and I am sure many of you have mentioned this yourselves, but have you received answers? Come to some resolution yourself?

Upon my weigh in yesterday, the substitute counselor asked me how much thinner I want to get... Right now I am 165 pounds...fitting into all my size 10's and size 8's, and a few 6's.

Honestly I would like to get down 20 more pounds. I would like to fit into at least 50% of every size 6 I try on.

Greedy? Yes, I am. At this point, there is no concern for fat-related health issues, just mind-body issues. "Just" is an odd term, because my mind-body issues have probably effected my many other issues for years. I am sure I am not alone in this issue.

Fact is, that I still feel fat. I still turn to see my incidental reflection in passing a store window and think either "wow who is that?" or "jeez am I that thin?" I ask my husband (ad nauseum) if I am thinner than strangers, in order to try to get a handle on how I really look.

And most of the time he looks at me like I am crazy and says "yes, by alot".

I have even seen pictures of myself, then and now, and realize there is a huge difference, but somehow all of this is forgotten when I look in the mirror and still feel fat, consider myself a "fat girl", feel like I need to lose another 20 pounds to be thin.

I call it the "fat ghost" haunting me, but maybe this is the mindset of anorexics? Maybe this is why my weight loss counselor thinks I should start my stabilization phase now rather than in four pounds like we originally intended?

I know in the end, I am the one who must be happy with my weight loss, I must be the one to deem it finished. But if my perception is so warped that I keep thinking "just five more pounds and I'll feel thin", then how do I really break that cycle?

Has anyone who has lost most of their weight lost the fat ghost, or do you still feel like you have far to go-maybe unrealistically? Is there anyway for us ourselves to exorcise the fat ghost, or is external help, possibly psychiatric in nature, required?

Question is, are we ever happy with ourselves, I mean genuinely 100% content?

Resolving Issues-Maybe??

2011-03-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and checking in on me...and to Jennifer for reminding me I hadn't followed up...

So they took blood last week, and I had a very scary ultrasound where she took it seemed at least 50 pics of my liver...

Blood work was normal apparently...

Then the nurse practitioner (since I went to student health services), said she would be out of town until Monday so I wouldn't know what the radiologist said about my US until then.

Umm, excuse me?? So I said to myself that if it turns out that I am dying I am going to sue their asses off for making me wait over the weekend to hear about it.

Good news and bad news, good news is that my US was normal, bad news is that they have no idea what is causing my chronic ache.

Lovely. I know that no news is good news, but maybe a little news would have been nice??

I am happy that my liver is not growing a baby-sized tumor and that my pancreas hasn't withered away, or anything equally horrible, but now what?

So that is where I now stand...coupled with some AWESOME gas pains to challenge my mystery ache and cramping uterus for attention.

Hope you are all doing really well and enjoying the start of spring?!

Resolving Issues

2011-02-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I'm back but not sure for how long...

I am going to the doctor tomorrow hoping to get my health issue resolved. I can't even begin to explain what is wrong, but I'll try.

After I eat a larger meal, no matter what it is-high protein, high fiber, etc-I get a kind of dull ache mid-ish right-ish abdomen.

At first it felt like gas, and would pass overnight. Recently, it has not gone away. In fact it gets worse each day, and moreso after meals. However, I must stress that it is not pain, but feels more like a pulled muscle type of feeling, and it does not bother me in all positions.

Since I don't have a gallbladder, you can imagine my googling results to self-diagnose myself has run the gamut from appendicitis, to pancreatitis, to ectopic pregnancy, to ovarian cysts, to kidney infection, to cirrhosis, to diverticulitis, to ulcers, to hernia. ETCETERA. Seriously, googling is not always a good thing.

So tomorrow I will find out more-I am hell bent and determined to do so...

Weight loss is still going well, for now, I hit the 160's this weekend. BUT I can just see some horrible health issue surfacing tomorrow requiring surgery or treatment and not allowing me to continue weight loss.

Yes, this is how my mind thinks...I may have cancer or a failing pancreas, but SHIT...I may have to stop losing weight!!! Yes, this is VERY sick, I know. One of my many issues...put it on my list.

I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it I guess...cross your fingers for me, please.

Wishing you all well, hope to catch up with you all soon. Please let me know if you have posted something you think I might be able to help you out with or really want me to read from the past week as it may take me forever to catch up...

Stay healthy folks!

Worn the F- Out

2011-02-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

Quick note to say 'Hi' to everyone, and sorry I haven't visited any blogs lately. No good excuse, just been a bad bloggy friend.

Tired, worn out, burnt out, etc...still on the wagon, but infinitely less enthused about everything. Feeling very neutral about things that used to trip my trigger. Feeling down about stuff I used to be able to tolerate.

Don't know what else to say about that.

Will be MIA for a few more days-hope you are all well-wish you the best!

When weight is all you can control

2011-02-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

Death, taxes, drunk drivers, February snow in Texas, alien abductions...

And the answer, Alex, is "What are things we cannot control"?

I realized today that losing weight is the only thing I can really effect. Destiny? Not so much.

I'm starting to understand more and more why those with undereating disorders starve themselves. If their lives are anything like mine, they take that little nugget of control and run with it.

I realized today that it doesn't matter how much I prepare, read articles, take classes, offer solid experimental suggestions-my opinion will never be taken seriously by my boss.

Many of you are probably saying, "Yeah join the club." But in my education, the whole purpose of getting a science PhD is to LEARN how to THINK analytically and use known info to answer new questions-in other words-Independent Thinking.

I have told you that my boss is a micromanager, but today takes the fucking cake. See I have my own project, one that granted HE chose for me based on what he wanted to pursue, but I have tried to make it my own and take ownership since. Because at some point I need to be able to pose the future questions and solutions based on the results I see day to day-by myself.

But he has a plan...many in my lab think it doesn't matter what the results say because the boss sees everything through rose colored glasses and will keep repeating an experiment until he sees the results he desires.

Until today I wasn't sure if that was true. Today I offered a really good suggestion, to replace our current mouse model with a MUCH better, cleaner model that I found in the literature. And he shot it down.

The fact that my work really doesn't matter, that my name will be put on a paper with less than clean results, and that I will never be allowed to develop as an independent scientific thinker makes me want to fucking drop out. And it makes me sick to my stomach.

No joke.

And it makes me want to exercise until I drop dead-because I can CONTROL that. That is the only area where my hard work and initiative pays off it seems.

Sorry for the negative post, but I'm just so frigging pissed right now I can think straight.

Ulterior Motive

2011-02-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

I admit, when I see celebrities proclaim in a verbose and dramatic manner that they are just so sad because it is so HARD for them to tell who likes them for themselves and not their looks or money, I want to freaking puke...

Then when I see gorgeous, perfectly shaped women prancing around in 6 inch heels claiming that no one takes them (and their unnatural cleavage) seriously and takes the time to get to know the real them inside, I want to puke on THEM.

But before I feel the bile rise in my throat, maybe I should think about this idea more...

See lately it seems that people talk to me more. Not men or women specifically, all types of people. To be objective, this could be occurring because of the way I carry myself, which is different if merely for the fact that I take more care in how I dress.
This could also be happening because I am more chatty, and maybe less bitchy and reclusive looking-which my lovely mother never failed to tell me.

However, part of me has to think about what my friend Ann stated in her answers in a few posts back, when I made her answer questions pertaining to 'normal' thoughts about how she thinks of obese people. While she said she wonders why obese people eat fast food crap, she said she doesn't think badly of obese people.

HOWEVER, we all know that some people out there have a variety of opinions about fat people-that we are lazy, unhygienic, etc-and we all heard about that lovely writer who said she is grossed out just seeing fat people walk across a room.

Frankly, the fact upsets me that people could now like me while they didn't before because maybe my rolls made them feel like they were going to puke. Or that maybe now that my face is my own again, and I have one chin, that people really are nicer to people they find more attractive.

While I am happy, for whatever reason, that it seems I have more friends and people want to be around me now, the former bitchy, protective me really doesn't want their respect and niceties if thinness is the determining factor in them offering their friendship...does that make sense?

Anyone else question newfound, unlikely friendships? Could Paris really know what she is talking about?!?!? ;-)

High Heels and Low Weigh Ins

2011-02-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

It is no mystery to those who have been reading for a while-but I love shopping. Prior to getting less fat (as opposed to 'thin' yet), I started buying shoes-lots of shoes.

I admittedly exchanged one addiction (stuffing thy face), with another (stuffing my feet into new shoes).

Ok, so maybe I have always liked shoes. Living in a high heel culture, I yearn for high heels, and on special occasions, I have even tried them-at weddings, parties, etc. But the heels rarely last an hour...

Truth is-beauty hurts like hell, and those high heels are just one ring of said hell...

But I still buy heels, because they are so pretty and I always thought maybe I could wear them some day...a couple weeks ago I found these lovely boots on eBay, and just had to have them...

They have almost 3 inch heels, but I decided to wear them last week-to work! Where I walk all day!!! On my way in I thought I must be freaking crazy from carb withdrawl to wear these shoes to work.

But at the end of the day, I was still wearing them AND my feet felt fine.

Then I realized that it wasn't my feet that couldn't wear heels, it was my fat ass. In other words, being obese kept me from one more 'normal' activity.

Sure, I know many bigger girls have no problem with heels, but I always had. And when I was thin and younger, I didn't wear heels-boy I wish I had!

So I guess I had a mini NSV on Friday, which turns out to be major for me since I have so many pairs of unloved high heels that I can now wear!!! I still have to work on my high heeled swagger though. ;-)

On another note, I weighed in yesterday. I had wanted to lose at least 5 pounds since I hadn't weighed in the week before (Medifast was closed due to our horrible weather). However, I lost four, down to 173.

First, I was really wanting at least 5 pounds gone, but I guess all that random snacking while being holed up at home in the bad weather crushed my 3 pound loss per week average that I have had lately. Not that I expect 3 pounds per week at this late stage in my weight loss, BUT when I get on a roll I really try to ride the momentum, while I still have it that is...

However, and second, I am so happy that I am actually in the 170's. The previous weigh in felt like a fluke somehow, not that I didn't work hard for the 177, but I honestly thought I would never be able to break 180, since I was never able to before.

So I realize this was not an exciting post, but that's all I got for now. Hope your weekend is going well!

Snot-my new best friend

2011-02-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

You know when you are walking through the mall, and you reach the foodcourt area? I have gotten to where I avoid going anywhere NEAR it-not just for the lines of mean hungry people jutting out into the walkway...

Walking past the foodcourt always makes me STARVING, no matter the time of day. You know the feeling-the waft of pizza, chinese, and burgers mingling should make us all want to puke, but strangely to me my food addict brain can tease out each food scent and I suddenly want ALL THREE.

Everyone knows foods make us hungry, but why? Studies have shown that seeing food images trigger hunger, but what about just a waft of fried chicken, baked cookies, french fries?

A study in a 2010 issue of Obesity (18:8, p.1566-1571) conducted at Indiana University School of Medicine by Veronique Bragulat et al. tested the cerebral effects of food ODORS.

Two groups of people, normal weight and obese, were fasted for 24 hours. They were given four food choices and were told to rank them in preference of eating. Then they were exposed to these four food-related odors (two sweet and two fatty food scents), and four non-food odors such as chemicals and fir trees. This all occurred while they were strapped to a brain scanner.

The odors of the most preferred food choice increased brain activation in the reward-related areas of the brain over the non-food choices. However, what I found interesting and had not heard previously was that the brain areas activated are similar to those activated when cues of addictive substances, such as alcohol, were given.

In fact, in lean individuals the area of the brain most affected by these food odors is the area responsible for body homeostasis (happy medium), whereas in obese individuals the area most affected controls long-term memory.

Does that mean that we as obese people form memories around food, so strong that they are causing responses comparative to drug usage, and that the mere odors of such foods can elicit memories and create EMOTIONS? Just like the scent of your mothers' perfume makes you think fondly of her reading to you as a child...

Many of us talk about being food addicts, and I know I am one. So then logically speaking being obese means we have actual brain response that makes it harder to break the bonds between foods and memories.

But if the stimulated area of the brain is the same for drugs AND food cues, then wouldn't it also be logical to think that we would go into similar physiological withdrawal as powerful as DTs when dieting as drug/alcohol addicts who go through rehab?

Anyone else ready to sign up for a Haldol drip? Someone on their blog the other day stated indignation that obesity is not considered a coverable medical expense like other addictions, but I think if the results continue stacking up there will be no way the medical and insurance industries can deny the chemical dependence induced by food any longer.

Until then, I guess we all have our workouts and salads at least! ;-)

I don't know, it's a mystery...

2011-02-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

I love Geoffrey Rush-in spite of the House of Haunted Hill disaster I spoke about this weekend.

In Shakespeare in Love, a fantastic movie, his character continues to honestly answer how he/they/everyone will get out of the predicament in which they find themselves at the time with "I don't know, it's a mystery..."

Some of my followers have commented on my resolve and motivation on this diet, as if I harbor a fire-breathing talent, or the Midas touch. Ok, so I exaggerate, but I sometimes feel like some may think I have inhuman strength...

Well that sure as hell ain't true. When I started, I had all the best reasons and intentions lined up as to why I wouldn't, couldn't fail, and it sure sounded good...but when it came down to it, how I was going to EXECUTE it all, day after day, for freaking MONTHS, was a mystery of mythical proportions.

Doing something that I had tried and failed two times prior-and again we are talking failures of mythical proportions-put the fear of God into me. Sure I could tell myself that failure was not an option, and I had the ammo with my motivational memories, but how would my body respond? Hell, would it respond at all?

As an athlete, a good one, in college I had conditioned my body to almost invisible boundaries. I was then taught to listen to it, for pain, but otherwise let it respond to what was second nature-forehands, backhands, etc. When you get good enough at something, it really is just going through the motions. No step, one, two, three, turn, swing-involved. Just forehand-backhand-move your ass.

I taught my mind to stay steady and emotionless-the best mind was a silent one... The best athletes become Ice Men, like Roger Federer, who can stay at an even mental keel and let their body lead. Of course, I had a temper which I was unable to control at times on the court, one of the thousands of differences between me and Roger.

But when I started this diet, I had no idea if my body could keep up since obviously I was not conditioned to diet very well at all. And I had never let my mind rule my body's physiological responses, and when the mind did participate, the results were 'slightly' less than optimal. Um, ok, 'significantly'. I regained more than 50+ pounds lost-twice.

This was where my memories helped.

Polar, my healthy beautiful curious boy, went from doing anything he wanted, regardless of his deafness and partial blindness...

To doing what he could-and on his last day, no standing, lying in his own filth-he could barely lift his head...

This is 'can't', folks.

My Uncle, feeling his heart beat upwards of 250-300 beats per minute then stop, couldn't stop the failure. Years of good healthy living and giving a shit gave him a "can't".

I recently found out about the off-duty nurse who, when everyone else including the gym's employees, stood around like statues and watched my Uncle dying on the sit up mat, tried with everything she had to give him CPR. Again, she tried, but got a "can't".

So I'm on my carpet about 2 hours ago, determined to get my straight arm plank record of 4 minutes. Me and Miley were rocking it out to keep my mind in the background-away from the awareness off my screaming abs and lower back that felt like it was going to give out. Those of you with bad backs KNOW that feeling...

At the 3 minute and 30 second mark, with the back getting weaker and weaker, the brain poked through Miley and said, "I can't".

I didn't trust my body, having felt the agony of being laid up on the couch for a week with stabbing, immobilizing back pain before.

Right then I slipped into some Twisted Sister mindset, and remembered one of my favorite song lyrics..."If that's your best, your best won't do."

And the "can't" slipped away...I was not paralyzed like Polar, feeling my heart fail like my Uncle, feeling no pulse like the nurse...I didn't trust my body, but I trusted my mind to lead my fear for once.

It was time I let my brain be more powerful than my body. I said, "Screw this self-propagating bullshit, if anyone whose life ended with a "can't" saw me now, they'd kick my ass."

Suddenly there was no option. My mind pushed the boundary of my body, and I hit 4 minutes and 22 seconds. Then I stopped. Voluntarily. Without my back going out.

Today Ellen over at Fat Girl Wearing Thin talked about what can your body do now that it couldn't do a month ago?

So I ask you-when was the last time you let your mind lead-let your brain be strong and push your body-found your physiological limit?

I'm not talking about sucking wind or feeling the burn of aching, tight legs. Did you pass out? Did you fall? Did your heart stop? Did your back go out? Did you tear something? Did you break a bone? Chances are the last time you stopped, it wasn't due to reaching one of these limits.

When I was in high school I was the tennis captain, and I hated running, heck it made me out of breath!!! So what did I do? What any *awesome* captain would do-I faked hyperventilating to get out of running.

I've got news for you, now that I know what my strong mind can do, there will be no faking it. And I guarantee your body is in better shape than you think, too...so my challenge to you is to try an extra minute...an extra 5 minutes...an extra half mile...an extra set...don't eat the cookie/big mac/pizza/etc.

Push your "can't", because it isn't a mystery-the brain controls heartbeat, breathing, movement, digestion, appetite-almost everything-it's a packmule-it CAN handle it...I plan to use my beastly brain, with my motivations and memories along for the ride, to push out this goal. There will be no sabotage, doubt, regrets, time wasted. Move past your 'can't', it's not set in stone.

You WILL surprise yourself.

Got no complaints, no regrets, I've got no grand design...

I'll ride the horse that got me here 'till I cross that finish line.

-Robert Earl Keen

Glass half full about the week-PACK RULES!!!

2011-02-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

I really should know better not to open my work email on the weekend. Everyone in lab tells me they stopped doing it years ago, I think I am the only one who continues to do so...this results in my boss knowing that I am accessible on the weekend.

You all know what an *awesome* hands-off kinda guy he is (read: suffocating micromanager), so of course I get his email today. His 'suggestion' email... Hmm, should I try saying, 'um, thanks boss, but I think I'll stick with my own plan, but thanks for the 'suggestion'! That kind of passive aggressive BS is nauseating.

But to stick with my 'glass half full' subject line-I really do like my boss, as a person that is...He is very understanding when it comes to dealing with family stuff or sickness, and I'm sure he is a blast to be around outside of work...

Ok, I may have fibbed a bit on that last one...I KNEW I was reaching too much. ;-)

In spite of his 'suggestions', I was trying to not get bummed out before the week even started, so I decided to make a list of things I am looking forward to this week...Don't worry, this will be short. HAHA

1. 100% chance of snow on Wednesday...Really 100%? I don't think anything is 100% in life, but hey I'm trying to be optimistic, so...

2. We might buy a house this week-we are waiting to hear from the bank about our counteroffer. If we get it you are all invited to a ginormous pool party this summer! Ok, maybe not all of you. ;-)

3. Um...I have some nice packages of small clothes expected from eBay. I find I am gravitating towards fitted tops these days since my rollos are gone-os.

4. Big weigh in this week-I'm expecting at least 5 pounds off from the last weigh-in on Saturday the 26th...I don't bust my butt and eat like a damn rabbit for nothing, people!

5. All the SuperBowl stuff will be done and the fans will be gone, and our weather can get back to lovely again-except for Wednesday of course. *wink wink*

6. The chili baby in my stomach will proceed to my intestine already...should...have...resisted...the...diet soda. Feel like a seagull on pop rocks... Or a coke can with bread...Or something like that.

7. Going to casino with Mom and Grandma next Sunday, then V-day awesomeness with hubs...lots of awesomeness...multiple times...ok that's all you get there...

8. New TV!!! Heavy-Monday, Biggest Loser-Tuesday, Toddlers and Tiaras-Wednesday, Scared Straight-Thursday

9. New grad school recruits come in, which is nice because it breaks up all the time that I serve as the most intimidated and terrified person in the room...

10. Straight arm plank record-this week it is MINE, unless someone broke the 4 minutes already...

11. THE PACK ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! What a great start to the week! The Lombardi Trophy goes back to Green Bay!!!

Random Smattering

2011-02-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

1. Big Ups Medifast-style to Margene and her wondy hubby Brent over at Believing it's Possible is Half the Battle-one year ago they started this journey, today they are 250 pounds smaller collectively. Check out the evidence! Margene has been following me from the beginning, and has been a great Medi-supporter in spite of my cursing and occasional vulgarity. ;-) I wish her and Brent much continued success and happiness!

2. House on Haunted Hill is one whacked out movie. I was worried about trying to watch it because I have a bad imagination at night after watching scary movies, but seriously this is borderline hysterical. And I had such high hopes, it's a good premise. Maybe the book was better? Paranormal Activity is still the last scary movie I have seen, even though I watched it in slivers between my fingers.

3. I'm not a big proponent of the BMI, since there are so many variables not considered in the calculation, but alas-we all live and die by the numbers, right? So I checked out a few charts today. When I could finally FIND one that had weights listed on it beyond 250 pounds, I did the comparison...I started at the extreme morbid obesity borderline, and am currently less than 10 pounds from being 'normal'. Ok, maybe not normal, but at a 'healthy' BMI.

4. I have a lot of family in Pennsylvania, and of course they are Eagles fans. I really WANT to like the Eagles, and I suppose I do, as I really don't have an NFL team that I follow completely. Meaning I like parts of many teams, a quarterback here, a defense there, coaching scheme over yonder... So anyway, I like the Eagles, I just can't work it up for Michael Vick. I didn't really like him after the dog fighting thing, but only recently did I really read what HE himself physically did to his dogs. It is sickening, now I can't look at him. But I know he isn't the whole team...

5. Why when I bake CC cookies for hubby can I never get the cookies off the pan without scrunching them up? Sure hubs doesn't care, but I don't get it... Is it because I use butter substitute instead of butter? I spray the pan with Butter Pam, too. Is the problem because he likes the cookies on the lighter baked side so they are still mushy? I keep the batter in the fridge so it stays cold. Ok, I give up-advice?

6. Snow is a total pain and a mind-f*cker, but dude-melting snow is so NOT attractive. Who knew there was so much mud in my yard???

7. Since snow shuts down the town here in Dallas, my Medifast center was closed yesterday. My counselor, Lynn, a very nice stylish older lady, actually called me at home from her home and apologized for the inconvenience. What a sweetheart-not that she had anything to do with the weather and I would hope she would drive in it either! The result was that I could not weigh in yesterday, and I stopped stepping on my built-in scale from the 1950's months ago, at all of your suggestion of course. Not weighing in for two weeks makes me super anxious. I like to see the numbers each week-it keeps me straight I think.

8. Has anyone had their teeth professionally whitened? If so, or if you have any knowledge about the different types-what is the best process to do so out there right now?

9. Not looking forward to the Precor beast today, but have to burn before I bowl up with some modified chili later.

10. Arranged marriages-anybody in one? What is the success rate of arranged marriages I wonder-not just those staying married, but happily married? Something makes me think that it is pretty high. I love my hubby, but if I had listened to my parents about all my boyfriends, I would have weeded through them all to get to Mr. Right a decade ago.

11. Topher Grace is a great young underestimated actor I think.

12. My favorite romance movie, in fact movie of all time, is Love Actually. First time I saw it I was perplexed and confused with all the characters, second time I was intrigued, third time I was entertained, fourth and on I have been hooked. Portrays all the kinds of love you could think of-forbidden, awkward, unbelievable, lost, reborn, etc...

13. Squirrels eat dog poop. I really should have scooped that this morning, so I didn't have to see the consumption of such out of my large kitchen window. On a high note, I'm not hungry for lunch anymore.

14. Does the HCG diet work because the hormone really tricks the body into burning more while thinking it's pregnant, or because of the 500 cal a day diet patients are supposed to follow..or both? I'm curious, not for me because I like my plan, just natural curiosity...

15. I love Aquaphor hand lotion because for me it really seals in moisture and de-wrinkles my hands, but anyone have an idea to put it on the back of my hands and not get my palms greasy? Just a little pet peeve...

16. I'm not a big Taylor Swift fan, but gotta give props to her songwriting skills, it's really impressive to express that depth at such a young age...anyone know if Back to December is really about Taylor Lautner? If so, that is one helluva apology!

Happy Sunday to you all...

How normal are you?

2011-02-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

Everyone talks about hoping to be 'normal' with food, what they eat, how they hope their thoughts about food would be...What they imagine a 'normal' relationship with food to be like...

This got me thinking-what exactly IS normal? So I asked my BF, Ann, if she would purge her soul and answer a BUNCH of my nosy questions. A bit about Ann without prying too much into her privacy...

She is one of two children, her parents are still married, she is a science nerd like me, she is single, she is an optimistic person, strong in her values, pretty, very mature for her age, very motivated/driven, and generous. Before this sounds too much like a personal add, I will paste below her answers, and allow you to draw your own conclusions as to 'normal'...

1. Age: 24

2. Weight: 120-125 fluctuates

3. Height: 5’7.5” yes I added the .5 haha

4. years at current weight: 7 years?

5. ever been overweight: no

6. typical wake up time: 7:30-8

7. typical breakfast and time: been bad and skipping it. If I do eat something its usually a bar.

8. typical lunch and time: leftovers from dinner, due to being overworked either have to skip or eat late ~1-2pm

9. typical dinner and time: around 7, later than I like but have to cook once I get home

10. what liquids-approximate amount daily: Coffee in morning and then water and tea throughout day

11. typical work schedule: 5-7 days a week, and the hours vary a lot.

12. all typical activity (walking at work, around lake etc)-how often, duration, times per week: Walk a lot during work… back and forth between the ends of the lab, walk to north campus, try to walk around the apartments several times a week. Also try to take a 2-3hr walk once a week around the lake if I have the time

13. what do you do when you feel like you have gained a few pounds: Don’t eat as much late at night

14. how often a day do you think about food: Not much at work, more so when I am home

15. how often do you snack: Depends on the day, more on the weekend

16. snack type: fruit, crackers, chocolate, yogurt, cheese

17. ideal vacation: hiking/camping at national parks

18. favorite sport/activity: walking outside

19. cravings-when do you get them, how often per week, what do you crave: When I am stressed out. Also when I haven’t eat all day at work I can over eat when I get home. I will crave cheese and sweets.

20. when do you plan your meals-right before cooking them, the night before, once a week? Several times a week. Browse the supermarket and plan a couple meals while shopping and then make larger batches so that I have leftovers throughout the week.

21. Are you pleased with your body-if not what don’t you like: Core is not toned, and don’t like the skin on my face, and the flab under my chin that I have always had no matter what I weighed. Body views fluctuate: sometimes I can’t stand it and other times I accept it. I think this comes from the fact that I used to be very skinny, at a very unhealthy weight when I was going through a fast growth spurt.

22. Favorite clothes item to wear: Cute patterned skirts

23. Typical attire: Varies depending on my mood. Right now mainly jeans and sweaters.

24. When you see a morbidly obese person, does it make you uncomfortable, feel pity, feel disgust etc? If they are eating unhealthy (like fast food) it makes me question why they continue to eat that way. When I see them while I am out walking I feel like they are trying to better themselves and that is good. Otherwise, I don’t really know their life situations so I try not to judge. It is especially difficult for women to lose weight and with hectic lifestyles it can become overwhelming and it just ends up being a destructive cycle.

25. How important is weight to you when considering boyfriends? Friends? Not important with friends. For a boyfriend, I would like for us to be able to go outside and be active together. Also, to be open to eating healthy.

26. Do you think fat people are lazy people? No

27. Have you changed your diet as you have gotten older? Yes

28. Do you have any health conditions? Nothing major

29. Do you worry about getting fat? Sometimes, especially since work is forcing me to have irregular eating schedules.

30. Do you worry about dying young? No

31. Do you go through periods where you eat the same foods until you are sick of them and move on? No

32. Have you ever hidden your snacking from others, or felt ashamed of your cravings? If applicable. No

33. Is anyone in your family overweight or have any ever been overweight? Yes

34. Growing up did you make your own food choices, if not did you like what your parents gave you? Has your diet changed since moving out of the family home? At first I didn’t like what my parents fed me but I ended up liking it eventually. Growing up with a garden in the backyard is probably why I actually enjoy eating vegetables. It has changed but not too drastically as I still try to incorporate veggies and fruit into my diet.

35. Do you smoke? Drink? How often? How much? Don’t smoke. Drink about once a week, a beer or two.

36. What meats do you eat? What veggies? What fats? What desserts/treats? DO you take vitamins? Meats: all kinds. Veggies: all kinds. Fats: cheeses. Desserts/treats: chocolates. I sometimes try to take vitamins, but then I end up forgetting most of the time

37. Are you as healthy as you want to be? No

38. What people/stresses hold you back from what you want? WORK!!

39. What is your best mental and physical quality? Even though work can be very stressful, I still try to find humor in things and laugh as a way to relieve stress.

40. What quality is most important to you in those you care about? Genuine, kind, and trustworthy.

SELFISH or just plain ol' selfish?

2011-02-05T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hope you have all recovered from my verbal diatribe yesterday...if you think I was talking about you, then I'm not-and please don't avoid posting your 'struggles' because of anyone. Like I said before, if you struggle then you must be putting in effort to begin with, and EVERYONE struggles!

Sadly, I think those that I was trying to talk to would never imagine I was talking about them, because they are probably content with their decisions-if not they would have already changed something, right?

I guess that is the logical path-see a problem, change something to fix it. But food addiction is far from logical for sure, and I am not remiss to admit it. Case in point-cookie dough. Yeah, not cookies, cookie dough. My Achilles Heel.

But I realized that for me, every other time I had dieted, lost weight, then regained it, that my heart AND mind was not in it. This time was different for several reasons that I have talked about before-the switch was flipped. I went from 'wanting' to lose weight, albeit REALLY BAD, to needing to lose weight if I was ever going to be happy and have a chance at real living and a LONG life.

Therefore, yesterday prior to my own revelation about the switch, I 'assumed' (ass+u+me), that if someone was serious enough to start a BLOG and get into the weight loss blogosphere with full force, then that person HAD to have their heart and mind into it, too, right? They wanted and needed to lose weight...RIGHT? Seems like ALOT of energy to just go through the motions...BUT-

Sometimes it is not all about A+B=C I guess, as I didn't take into account the 'attention seeker'. Someone who maybe was yearning for friendship, attention, a conversation, so that when they found the 'group therapy' in the weight loss blogosphere, they forgot their true motive? Or maybe found what they really wanted-a few pals, and never pursued the WL for real-mind and heart? I love my bloggy friends, but would never assume to lead them on with my own false intentions. Weight loss is too tough, too important for us all, to bullshit about...

Regardless of the state of your 'switch', I wish success for everyone, and I wish commitment for everyone-cause we all need some every once in a while. There is no joy or advantage for me if someone fails.

So to this post's true topic...many have discussed having to be selfish, put yourself first, in order to really succeed in weight loss.

But being a Mom is selfless. Now I am not at the point where I want to have a kid, feel ready either... However, and I'm not sure if this has happened to anyone, how did you get out of the selfish mindset and realize that with pregnancy weight gain is imminent for the health of the child?

I fear that once I reach my goal, then I am never going to want a kid, because I fear putting the weight back on-for any reason... I know adoption is an option, and may be my only option, but let's set that aside for a second and look at the heart of the issue...

Trust me, I know how horrible it sounds, but after working so hard to get to a weight that I won't have been for 20 years, how do I justify doing something that I know will set me back and make this hell necessary to re-live? Not that stabilization and maintenance are a walk in the park-but you know what I mean...

I know many of you out there fear the regain-not just fear but FEAR. Terrified. Will the want for a kid ever trump my fear of being overweight again? Anyone have insight on this? Ideas?

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

2011-02-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

The Snowmagator (credit: Patrick) has pretty much swallowed half the country whole, and while it has given me MORE than enough time to catch up on blogs, I am seeing one trend persist across my blogger roll...

And since I am not one to call people out-unless by 'people' I mean 'me', I'll call out myself first. Being cooped up in the house everyday but Monday and Thursday this week has made me stir crazy. Bored out of my gourd. This is where you may come in-seems the majority of us do BAAAAAAAAD things when we are bored.

For me, earlier in the week, I was eating everything not nailed down. I even nibbled on a couch.

Thankfully, I know this is one of my many piggy-triggers...being bored. So we stopped keeping anything bad in the house a long time ago-read: oreos, doritos, cookie dough, real cheese dip, fake cheese dip, all cheese-impersonating items, and of course, anything that smells remotely of cheese.

So when I went ape-shit crazy earlier in the week, I ate a whole container of Cherub grape tomatoes before Thursday, 20 pieces of turkey pepperoni, and more than my quota of diet sodas-this is off plan. Thankfully no damage was done, and I'm back on the non-snacking horse. Sure the items are not THAT bad, but if you could have seen me (think of a gremlin after midnight), you would have been shocked...Hair sticking up in every direction, barely brushed teeth, same sweats and socks, stuffing my cheeks like a squirrel in the fall.

And my friends, I KNOW many of you did the same. Well, probably because you wrote about it guiltily on your blogs.

I am all for not repeating history's mistakes, but let's be honest-that's what humans do as creatures of habit-and no one needs to be crucified for relapsing from addiction. But how will you respond when you fall? Wait to get back on the wagon next week? Wait till the kids are back at school? Wait till you can drive to the gym? After a Valentine's Day celebration?

Sadly, I have heard ALL these excuses and more to continue bad behavior on other blogs-to let the wagon pass and wait for another to come by, as if it is not in their control and they don't know when the next wagon will stop. And if I hadn't paid alot of money to weigh in each week, I'd probably give in to a few excuses, too.

Maybe. Oh who am I kidding? I freaking HATE being fat, and I am the all time Guinness record holder of IMPATIENCE. I want to lose weight and get it done. Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today? Yeah I didn't think of that cliche, but it fits here. Therefore, I will not put off thindom. I don't expect others to be like this and try to drop weight super fast like how I like to, because we are all on different time tables. But let's face it-losing is losing and healthy change is healthy change no matter how drastic or quick-effort is EFFORT.

And for those who know me, I am a total softy, and I have lots of compassion, sometimes to my own detriment, for those in trouble or fallen on bad times. If you are kind in return, I will give you the shirt off my back and the money from my pocket. My patience for my friends, both bloggy and IRL, is almost limitless. Almost.

But I've got to call bullshit on some of you (without naming names)-in the most compassionate way that I can, of course. Because surprisingly I have come to give a care about a lot of you.

So for those of you on-off-on-off the wagon every other week-heck EVERY OTHER DAY-if you were your own best friend, spouse, family member, weight loss counselor-would you be sick of you?? Would you continue to support, coddle, rescue yourself? For how long?

Don't even try throwing the old 'if you love someone you will love them no matter what' BS. At some point, even our closest family, our biggest fans, get tired of our BS, our rollercoasters of emotion, being gung ho, then falling apart, eating aisle #3, crying on the scale, vowing to weight loss the next week-ET CETERA.

These same peeps will eventually get sick of watching us KILL ourselves, especially when we KNOW the problem, possess the tools, and have the unconditional support in spades.

I love the blogosphere, because it is free group therapy. But here is something to consider-if you ask for help, some confidence building, kick in the ass, whatever you need-then ignore the support week after week, eventually you become PLAYED OUT. If I swear I'm a millionaire, but dress in rags and drive a Pinto Flintstone-style to work, how long before you rolled your eyes and said, "Sure you're a millionaire. Whatever you say." Because you're not my banker, all you know is from what you see. If a picture is worth a 1000 words, then actions are priceless proof.

How some can emotionally regurgitate then swallow their own tired lines every day and think they will still get healthy, then are SURPRISED by gains every week, is beyond me. Really? Are you that shocked? Or is that mock surprise for my benefit? 'Cause baby I was born at night but not last night.

Then you become the BOY WHO CRIED WOLF, figuratively speaking.

No one comes to help you, because you lie to yourself and you lie to us. Then you get eaten alive (fill in whatever failing endpoint you want to here-death, bedridden, morbidly obese for life, never fitting into airplane seats, acquire 5 new co-morbid conditions, countless expensive medications, losing your fans' respect, teaching your kids how to shorten their own lifespans, being that person no one trusts because you NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH).

I am not patient with myself, but I love you guys and I REALLY want you to do well, and I will hold your hand and pump you up when you fall as long as you need it, and if I have ever commented on your blog, then you know that to be true. But if you can't string together a few days of good behavior and put forth SOME effort in at least a mildly consistent manner, then no one, not just me, will help you if you won't try to help yourself.

And the wolf can have you.

Your issues helped you get fat, what helps you stay there?

2011-02-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

My answers to this question are:
1. I love food
2. My huge clothes fit just fine
3. I was comfortable having the freedom to stuff my face and follow my cravings (read: complacent)

What are your answers?

BUT, there may be something novel taking an effect that you hadn't considered...

In the January 6th issue of Obesity, a highly respected and extremely stringent scientific journal, David Val-Laillet and his French collaborators did a very interesting study in mini-swine (a smaller, more domesticated breed of pig).

They were pursuing a trend seen in adult human males-where obese males had less activation (lesser functioning) in the prefrontal cortex of their brains, compared to their lean counterparts.

And, you guessed it, the prefrontal cortex is important for inhibiting inappropriate behavior, feeling full, and meal termination.

So they used age and weight-matched pigs to make sure trends seen were consistent. They then induced obesity in half of them via high fat diet (sound familiar?). They then measured brain flow, which is a measurable way to look at brain activity (this was what was measured in humans too, as stated above). They were looking for brain areas that had activity differences between the fat & thin groups.

They saw MANY activity differences in other areas of the brain between the obese and lean group-but importantly they confirmed that there is less activity in the prefrontal cortex in the chunky piggies.

So they concluded that this reduced pig brain activity most likely corresponds to that seen in humans, and that this change is an 'ACQUIRED FEATURE OF OBESITY'.

What does that mean for us, my lovlies? Getting fat eventually shuts down the area of the brain we need MOST to lose the weight! How counter intuitive is that???? But is this an excuse??? Heck no, we don't need any more excuses!

This study will have to be done in women to confirm the same findings, BUT any of you with a bunch of estrogen (read:women) can probably figure out the ending here without a finished study... I know for me, the fatter I got, the less full I felt, and consuming huge meals were no obstacle.

So-it's not ALL your past issues, love for food, external pressures, enabling environment that made you fatter or kept you heavy. Does this make you feel a little less dysfunctional and mental? There IS a physiological difference between our and 'normal' lean people's brains!

Good-now go eat some damn veggies and burn those cals, since it doesn't matter how we got here-there is one road out (no matter your diet plan, surgery, method). Well two really-but the latter dead end is not a road any of us want to travel...

But maybe we are a lot more similar to each other than we think, at least physiologically speaking...so strength in numbers! Now go take back your prefrontal cortex!!!

More Addicitve than Food!

2011-02-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't think anything could pull my attention from wanting to stuff my face today, but sure enough this game has done it! So here are the rules:

'How Old Is Your Brain'
This is a fun game, but will drive you nuts.
The site instructions are in Japanese, so read below!
And do it only once! (Yeah right!)

~First you have to click on this link~ Then-
1. Touch 'start'
2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.
3. Memorize the number's position on the screen,
then click on the empty circles in the order
from where the smallest number was, to the biggest number.
4. At the end of game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain.

Those of you snowed/iced in like me will either love me or hate me for this!

BTW, hubs got a 20 on this, it took me 5 times to equal his score! Bastardo!!!

Sending out some love two weeks early

2011-02-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

My husband doesn't ask for much...and I did give him a shoutout for his housework in a post a few days back. And he jokingly said, 'that's all I get?'. Maybe he was fishing for a BJ...(warning: gals if you don't know what a BJ is, don't google or ask your kids).

But you know what? My husband deserves a shoutout, and not just because it is the month of love.

'Cause this man is incredible.

When I met him, I was a size 8, and 6 pounds heavier than I am now. This was the guy who NEVER said ANYTHING about me needing to lose weight, but was supportive of anything I wanted to try to be healthy. This guy watched me balloon up to over 245 pounds-because I was actually over 245 at our wedding, I just didn't 'do' scales then.

And he still wanted me in the bedroom, and he didn't cringe or walk apart from me when I would go out in his huge sweatpants and greasy hair because I didn't give a flying fuck about how I looked. He gave me space when I didn't want sex for months because I felt like a nasty piece of shit. He stood next to me at City Hall when we got married, even though I looked AWFUL, and was as wide as he is tall. Unfortunately, I am not kidding about that proportion.

Before you think or say that he should have tried to encourage me to lose weight or watch my eating, read back into my posts and get to know me...that isn't something that would EVER fly with me. It would have had the opposite effect and I would have hated him-after throwing a world-tilting tantrum. I'm not a nice person who handles criticism-it wouldn't have gone over well. Understatement.

My hubs is 6'4", and 215 pounds. He wears XXL because it is the only size long enough for his limbs. When I started wearing his huge clothes, and buying all XXL for myself because they FIT my girth and chunka-lunk cottage-cheesy thighs, he didn't blink.

He has completely forgone foods that he used to love, because he knows that my just knowing that he eats them would drive me insane. Again read this: I am not a tolerant person. He needs to lose NO weight, in fact when I met him he was too skinny. But he works out because he knows it serves to spur me on-because I am competitive and need an opponent. He figures it might as well be him, instead of myself. He helped me to stop fighting myself.

This man did exactly the right things to be there for me, because he TOOK THE TIME to know me well enough to know that I would eventually reach my fat tipping point, and would make the changes I needed by myself.

This man does the housework the majority of the time, and I really do not do enough to help. He ate my rubbery hockey puck scallops that stunk of fish stench, though he HATES fish-this is huge, trust me. ;-)

He drives me to work whenever I ask, gets me gas before I even brush my teeth in the morning, and loves my crazy dysfunctional family-and the dysfunctional me to boot!

Did I mention he is a hot piece of ass and younger than me? Yeah, I'm lucky. Somehow I got the full package in spite of myself, and I don't do enough to show him how much.

So here's to you, honey...I may have had to venture to Iowa to find you, but it was well worth the trip, and I'd do it all again 1000 times over-in a snowmageddon blizzard.

So here is my New Year resolution, a tad late but equally as well-intentioned: I'm going to work on being the wife you really deserve-with maybe a BJ or two in there to boot. I love you forever, wimmer.

Oh the nerdy humor & Lady Gaga!!

2011-01-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

I had to link this to my page straight away-it is such an excellent parody of science and grad student life, and the outfits are all lab materials. You won't be disappointed to see what some lab's staff put together. I think Lady Gaga would be proud!!

Irrational Monday

2011-01-31T15:59:00.000-08:00

My morning started with me cursing at my shoe when I was trying to change my pants.

I believe I said, "get the fuck off my foot!!". My husband came in and obviously couldn't contain his laughter, and asked if I was 'ok'.

I think he was fearing another 2009 Flying Hairbrush Incident, where I precisely halved my hairbrush against a wall. Of course I still use the bristle part, and hubs never fails to remind me "cool brush, where'd you get it?".

Smartass.

Off to work I went, and was in a crabby mood, knowing that I would have previously appeased my foul Monday mood by promising myself some homemade nachos for dinner-of course that was 68 pounds ago.

Hubs is working lots of overtime this week since the Super Bowl is in town, so I'll be by all by myself with my carb-sucking thoughts. So all I could think of was that the only thing waiting for me at home to soothe my bitchiness is my elliptical. Um, yeah, not too comforting it turns out.

So at noon I had a works-in-progress to attend, and the poor guy got the brunt of my frustration and dessert desires. I grilled him up one side and down the other. And the fact that he couldn't answer me or defend his project pissed me off even more. Like I said-irrational-because I had a good loss this weekend, there is no need for diet anger I guess, but STILL...

Then my Mom sent me this video, and it melted my attitude...hope it makes your day that much better, too!!

More Genetics I Can't Avoid

2011-01-30T13:05:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my mother took my 96 year old grandmother (her mom) into her house to live with her and my Dad four years ago now, after GM started falling.

Mom's useless Sister and Brother were nonexistent in the talk as to whom would have GM come live with them. Suddenly they were all hiding under their desks, meanwhile when GM was handing out checks from her pension and ss funds, they were all hands up and waving in the air...

So my parents moved GM down to live in their house-they tricked out my old room with handi-railings everywhere, since GM uses a walker now, and remodeled the bathroom for handicap access to everything.

My Dad still works but my Mom stays home with GM. She stays home 24/7, except for emergency trips to the store for GM's cravings, or to the library so GM has an endless supply of reading material.

This upsets me because my GM is not thankful, doesn't acknowledge my Mom's efforts, and continues to send Sister and Brother $1000 checks a month. No shit. They visit her once a year if GM is lucky. Usually it is on her birthday, and Sis cries the whole time because she believes it is GM's last birthday. Crocodile tears, I'm sure. BTW, Sister is the mom of the 'cousin' in my last post when I mentioned Polar...

One thing that GM likes to do quite regularly is go up to the casino about an hour north of us. Mom likes to gamble, too, Dad not so much, but he brings them so Mom can have some fun.

Lately though, Mom and Dad have wanted to get away ALONE to the casino for a night. They do this every so often, every few months or so I'd say, and hubs and I stay over and watch GM like hawks.

In the past, Dad has tried to get Mom to plan trips with him for a weekend away, even a week, but Mom always cancels out. See, apparently Mom feels like something will happen to GM when her ever-watchful eyes are on vacation.

Lately, however, Mom hasn't wanted to go to casino overnight or anywhere else overnight because she doesn't want GM to feel bad. Mom feels GUILTY for leaving GM at home so she and Dad can get away, especially when they are going to go to the casino, because GM enjoys that, too.

And see, this is where GM should say "you guys go and have fun, I'll be well taken care of, and you deserve some time alone together". Instead GM says whistfully "Oh, THAT should be fun.." And of course Mom feels guilty, instantly, and she worries the whole time she is away, if she even goes away, and always comes home very early.

So we had been planning for Mom and Dad to go to casino for today, leaving early, being back around 7. I would come over and do my hawk duties, no problem. Mom, however, hadn't told GM as of this morning...then she decided to lie to her that she and Dad were going to stock show and rodeo instead, so that GM wouldn't feel bad about not being able to go. But of course they are still going to casino, just without telling GM.

This bugs the hell out of me, because Mom deserves some time to have fun and hang with my Dad, without GM ringing her little bell all the time and Mom jumping up to appease her-she doesn't deserve the guilt .

BUT, as is the case with me, too, she LETS herself feel guilty, she overlooks all the good she does when my GM focuses on a negative, and she sacrifices her own health and well being for someone who doesn't give a shit that Mom is running herself into an early grave so that GM doesn't have to lift a finger.

Now that I have made the decision to get myself healthy, Mom is feeling the pressure to do so, too. I came over yesterday to say hi and Mom said I looked good, as she often does lately, and I said 'THANKS! I have lost 68 pounds and am 177!' She replied sadly, 'Oh...I am 177, too, but I'm five inches shorter than you...' I said yes you are, I'm not going to sugar coat it but I don't want her to feel bad either...

I guess I hoped my journey might make it easier for her to motivate herself to exercise, too. She and my Dad eat very healthy, so exercising is the issue. I brought them my recumbent bike, and my Dad bought her a new elliptical. I am sitting here looking at both, and while Mom doesn't let anything gather dust in the house, they both have blankets and magazines stacked on them.

My Dad has tried to get her to go on walks, and occasionally succeeds, since Mom feels GM can be left alone for very short periods only.

She says she is very busy, and GM does take up alot of her time and energy, but I know Mom sits and plays games on the computer everyday, time when she could peddle out a half hour on the bike or so 20 on the elliptical.

So how do I get her to exercise without sounding uppity and arrogant about my own loss? I need to appeal to her somehow...she wants weight loss because she doesn't like how she looks, but I want her to lose 20 or so because I want her to be around a long time.. I realize most of us have a hard enough time getting ourselves to exercise, let alone use our scarce motivation to make someone else exercise. So any ideas??

Regrets and Acceptance-longer post

2011-01-28T10:14:00.000-08:00

A trend I have seen lately on many blogs is forgiving yourself your transgressions.

Of those I have many...but there are a few steadfast regrets that won't be releasing their clutches on my brain anytime soon. I'm talking about bad things I have done. Not like going into an interview and when asked for a negative quality about yourself you say that you work too much. This isn't like saying I work out too much...no positive negatives here.

Do I think these regrets kept me from being skinny? No, my own hand to mouth did that to myself. But these things did help me hate myself beyond the crushing obesity. And of course I self medicated those bad feelings away with food I'm sure.

So, yes, I am my own worst critic, and honestly I'm not sure I will ever love myself no matter my weight. These regrets are the 'staring at the ceiling at 2am' kind of regrets. Do you have frequent memories that you cannot scrub from your brain, that make it almost impossible to love yourself?

Here are mine.
1. My Uncle Eddie. My favorite uncle, second only to my parents in how I felt about him, and that was a close second at that. He was a joy to everyone he met-had the kind of sense of humor that made people gravitate towards him. Smart, witty, dry, and so caring. I was the daughter he never had. The last time I saw him was when he came down for my high school graduation. They told everyone beforehand to hold clapping until the end. So what does my crazy uncle do when I receive my diploma? He stands up in the middle of the church and claps as loud as he can. Did I mention he hoots and hollers, too? He and my Aunt stayed over for my party, then went to leave the next morning back to Pennsylvania. I heard them packing to leave, I heard them saying goodbye to my parents in the driveway, I just decided not to get out of bed to say goodbye-I was wide awake, decently dressed. Two months later he dropped dead from a heart attack in the middle of his usual workout at a Bally's gym. I never said goodbye, thanked him for coming, gave him a hug. I was one of over 1000 people at his funeral.
2. Skyy. One of my rescue dogs, a lab mix that I saved the day before her euthanasia date at a high kill Georgia shelter. I picked her based on her picture. She didn't disappoint, she was as sweet and gentle as can be. When the other dogs played, she stood next to me as if to say 'look at those asses running after that tiny round thing'. When fiance #2 and I broke up, and I had to move back to Texas, I found homes for the rest of my fosters, but knew Skyy would be ok with my ex. While he was an ass to me, he treated the dogs pretty well. So I left her with him. This was a once in a lifetime dog for anyone, and she loved me the most. And I left her. I have tried searching for my ex, only to ask about her, I have searched in petfinder for dogs with her name. Yes, she was just a dog, but she was MY dog, and I let her down and left her.
3. College. I apply for alot of grants, and I often get rejected (as is the norm with grants). But one of the common reasons reviewers remark on is my undergraduate grades. I often get asked about them in job interviews, too. Something that happened over 10 years ago. See, I was a classroom screw up. High school was too easy for me, and I never learned how to study. When I went to college, I figured it would be much of the same. But this time Mom didn't shove me out of bed, so I never went to class. I can honestly say that I went to about 20% of my classes. I passed many by the skin of my teeth, probably because I was an athlete. For over 10 years, this damn GPA has defined me, caused me to be stereotyped against, cost me money and jobs, brought me ridicule. I should have gone to freaking class, I have the brains to have done well, but I slept. I slept my life away. Would this be such a strong regret if it didn't keep rearing it's ugly head all the damn time? Probably not. But it does, and every time I want to punch myself in the fucking face for blowing all that time on so little effort.
4. Polar. Many of you know about him, but may not know how he got hurt. I went out of town, left him with my cousin and the dog sitter. Turns out the cousin was hooked on prescription drugs and booze, and the dog sitter enabled her. So they were drinking and tried to be tough and daring-and tried to cut his nails. A 175 pound dog...they didn't think about the fact that when they tried to cut his nails and he freaked out, which they knew he would do which is why we told them just to leave him be, that this huge dog could very capably hurt himself in his fear. So they sneaked up on the deaf and partially blind dog, tried to hold him down, and attempted to cut his nails. He fought to get up, spun quickly, and ran head first into the wall, breaking his cervical vertebrae, damaging his spinal cord irreparably, and starting his decline towards his eventual paralysis and death 6 months later. I hate that I left him with them. I hate that they did what they were told not to. Most of all, to be honest, I hate that I did not hurt them just as badly for what they did. This regret still makes me feel violent-so much it scares me.
5. Carol. This was a girl I went to most of elementary school and all of high school with...she came from a really large family, was one of the middle kids, and EVERYONE liked her. She was everything I was not-perky, petite, cute in a doll sort of way, and very popular. This made me irrationally hate her, though she had never been anything other than nice to me and everyone else for that matter. When we were freshman in high school, we were on the cheerleading squad, and somehow she got named one of the captains, even though I knew me and another girl had the highest tryout scores. From then on I detested everything about cheerleading, including her. Next year I chose to run cross country winter track rather than cheerlead. Yes, apparently there was a time when I hated something more than running. She came up all bouncy and shit, and nicely asked if I was going to do cheerleading again. I said, and I quote, "Oh God NO, I have much better things to do." As soon as I said it I felt bad, but also more powerful-I had put HER down. And her face was stricken, not angry, but hurt-cheerleading was all she did. This was my tipping point-from here on I held vendettas and was very 'honest' about what ugly catty bitches all the perky popular girls were. This incident bore my mean streak. I think about this often-especially when I matured enough to realize that the reason people liked her so much, was because she was truly a NICE person. I knew I could never go back and readopt that persona, and I was forever the bitch I still am today. I was never mean to anyone but those popular girls, even though I myself was popular-I was a fucking hypocrite and lord only knows how many people I discounted because they made me feel small just by being liked more than me. From here on I was always suspect of those who seemed too perfect and were too nice to me, which probably resulted in my long string of dating total assholes. Karma is a bitch alright, but I deserved her.

So while these regrets may have kept me fat and hating myself, and while they will not go away anytime soon, losing weight this time has shed what I deemed the ugliest part of me-my fat-and this has brought out certain things that I can no longer deny about myself-strengths that I had that were buried because being fat was all I saw in the mirror. I call these recent 'findings' acceptances.
1. Smart. I may have been a complete ass in college, but that GPA doesn't define me now no matter how pissed it still makes me. I am intelligent, am a great analytical thinker, and can hang with the best nerds around.
2. Funny. When I was that huge bridesmaid in my best friends wedding that I told you about a while back, I remember that everything I said brought everyone to laughter. At the time, I thought they were chucking at or sympathetically humoring me, since I had just broken up with ex #2 and was tearing the seams of my size 20 dress. But now that I am thinner, people don't have to laugh at me anymore, and yet they still do. Apparently I have a good sense of humor. Who knew? So glad I don't have to flash my boobies for attention anymore.
3. Giving. I have a bleeding heart for everything and everyone. I am especially drawn to those who have less or a harder time than myself. I like this about myself because I don't think it is something that can be taught, and I was lucky enough to get compassion and empathy in my toolbox. Sure this could be a flaw-lord knows I have donated more money, provided more free labor, and rescued more dogs than five people should-but I like helping, and if I didn't fear the repo man, I'd give the cards out of my wallet in addition to the shirt off my back.
4. Resourceful problem solving. I am great under pressure, can adapt quicker than most, and have turned into the go to person when someone has a problem or dilemma. Sure I don't get paid to be a therapist, or a problem solver, but this is worth it. I like that I am independent and don't need anyone for anything (except housework, thanks hubs!). I am getting to where I don't need others approval for my own self worth, too, but this is still a dependence and a work in progress.

So if you have made it down here, then tell me what your regrets and acceptances are...

The Pure AWESOMENESS of Joey and Award

2011-01-27T10:24:00.000-08:00

Please tell me you saw last night's episode of I Used to be Fat on MTV?!?!?!?

Jordan, this nice kid who had fallen on hard times since his Mom had her own addictions to deal with, weighed in at 278, and needed to be around 210 for his 6 foot 1 inch frame.

He seemed like a really nice kid, pretty mature for his 18 years, and he didn't whine all the frigging time like that other chick a couple of weeks ago. He put in his time and got down to 205, but did I mention he reached goal in about 55 days? Yeah 60 pounds in 55 days.

God I wish I was 18 again.

But the reason I am writing this is because of his fantabulous trainer, who I admit I was initially attracted to and repulsed by at the same time. See, he showed up on his motocycle, but somehow he managed to present a bunch of large items to Jordan, scale, wall calendar etc, so I figured he used the motorcycle to look tough since the MTV crew obviously brought the bulky items,

He was totally tatted up, which wasn't the repulsive part, but he seemed a bit douchey, if I can be honest. I thought he was going to be an obnoxious, frat boy little shit and that Jordan wouldn't get the leader he deserved.

Well, even I can admit when I am wrong. Joey turned out to have a wicked dry sense of humor, and his deadpan face was HYSTERICAL. Not to mention his 'Joey-isms'..."It's not going to be all rainbows and unicorns flying around". He was hysterical, and turned out to be the big brother role model that Jordan needed to succeed.

When he started talking about the 'power stance' to attract women, I thought I would shit myself. So for those who have seen the episode, I say to you 'BOOM'. To those who haven't, TIVO it-you will be SO glad you did. And to those in LA, this trainer is worth the money!

And I must send a super shout out to my girl Ginger, over at Gidget's Gadget for bestowing upon me the Stylish blogger award- I never get tired of these!!! So thank you so much Ging, you are super cool! So since I have given this out before, I will pass on the bestowing forward, but if you don't have this award, feel free to take it from the bottom of the page, because you are obviously stylish if you are reading my blog. HAHAHAHAHA
But I can write seven things you don't know about me, cause I'm a deep font of complexity people. ;-)
1. Driving next to 18 wheelers scares the shit out of me
2. I wear lab gloves to trim all meats and fish in my kitchen
3. If I ever win the lottery I am going to buy either a Porsche, Mercedes, or Cadillac hardtop convertible-love those things!
4. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night scared to death that one/both of my parents are going to die soon
5. I have a chocolate lab mix (with border collie) and have had her since puppyhood-she is 12 now, and everytime she slows down a bit more I know what's coming and that I am not ready
6. I wish I could work off school loans like I work off pounds, but that would probably require a corner somewhere instead of an elliptical
7. I wonder if all the sugarless gum I have chewed in my lifetime will induce in me some bizarre cancer in some years

So if you didn't get the memo-I have issues with mortality. ;-)

Until I Swallow

2011-01-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

Get your minds out of the gutter, you filthy mc nasties!!!

I was harkened back to 'take backs' today...juvenile things, those take backs.

Take back=once you do or give something, you can take it back and negate it.

As a kid, we always said 'no take backs' especially when we had traded up for better lunch snacks.

But today, I was driving home in the car, and thought about my husband's cookies on my kitchen counter. BTW, this happens often, my fantasizing about food items...

So I went through my typical justification for eating one or two, down to the calorie addition to my daily food input amount.

And then I decided on one cookie. And then I felt guilty, as if I had ALREADY eaten the cookie. I had the motivation ready and waiting to work out longer to burn off the calories, and I hadn't even SNIFFED the goods yet.

Then I thought-WHOA NELLIE. That is so fucked up. I had them eaten, worked off, and felt the resulting guilt, before I even got home.

Then I realized that I am not 10, I CAN do a take back. I don't want the cookie anymore, and you know what? Since I hadn't SWALLOWED the cookie, then I didn't have to feel all those feelings, and I could still REJECT THE COOKIE.

We are not kids anymore...how many times have you debated about food items that you probably should not eat and decided to eat them well before the item was in your mouth, and then followed through?

Fact is that we can change our minds, we can take back that decision, until we swallow. So don't let yourself off the hook, making a decision doesn't mean following it through and consuming the demon food, you can CHANGE your mind.

So from here on out, I reserve the right for take backs. 'Cause my fantasies may not always be healthy, but they don't have to translate to me actually MAKING those unhealthy choices based on those food-gasms. So I'm gonna take back my power of choice, hit the pause button, and REJECT THE COOKIE.

Few of my favorite things...

2011-01-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

Someone on their blog asked 'what is your favorite healthy food at the moment'-sorry I can't give her credit because I can't remember. Typical.

But in the spirit of Kathy Griffin, who did a good joke about Oprah on Saturday night let me tell you! She said that when Oprah starts her Favorite Things show, all the white suburban housewives and gay men in the audience start to bleed from the eyes because they are so excited.

Yes, I laughed, because let's face it-them soccer Moms get NUTTY!

So here are my favorite things, both materialistic and healthy, at the moment...and NO, you all aren't getting one of each!!

My fav turkey pepperoni

grape tomatoes


My coach crossbody swingpack

Orange roughy-one tasty fish!


It ain't mexican-but it is close!

Does the trick when I am STARVING

Who doesn't want to know how many calories they burn while sleeping?!?!

Sure it ain't meat lovers-but it definitely is tasty-especially with jalapenos!

My Precor bitch...oh who am I kidding, we all know who the bitch really is!

My April beach vacation-Sibonne-Turks and Caicos-can't come too soon!


petfinder.org-revolutionized the rescue industry-if it can be called an industry...

My red macbook pro

Healthy spicy chili-sub in some chicken/super lean meat

The ice cream of all bottled water-delicious!

Pilot razor point extra fine pens-yes I'm a dork

Not too bitter, very nice big crunchy pickles

my dansko boots-look good, give some height, and great to walk in

I put this 0 cal lemon juice on everything-except the pizza

That's right-the best of both worlds-mustard AND tobasco


Cholula sauce-different tasting than Tobasco but also excellent on everything!

Whore Foods shrimp burgers

Rings of Dante's Inferno

Paige Premium Denim-laurel canyon bootcut-great jeans!!!

So I hope you enjoyed this episode of My Favorite Things-spay and neuter your pets...sorry wrong TV show.

Stoked

2011-01-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

So I almost reached my mini goal for the week, which was to get into the 170's.

But honestly, falling short never felt so good. I was soooo hungry this week, moreso than normal, so I am glad that misery paid off.

The scale even flickered a few times to 179.5, but was dead set on 180.0. Of course their scales only go in 0.5 pound increments, so maybe that flickering means I am 179.8.

And if I had scared the children and made the women faint, I could have gone naked and definitely been under 180. BUT-ugh. Seriously, just 'ugh'. ;-)

So next week I will be an Ugly Hungry again and make it under 180. No doubt. Then I will be the lightest I have been since tennis days 10 years ago.

The 3.5 made me happy, as I really truly couldn't expect a 4 at this stage in the game I guess. So that is 65 pounds GONE.

Hope your week was totally cool and that you are all feeling great and eating well.

Hubs and I are off to see Kathy Griffin tonight...love her-she's my cursing idol. Haha

My Nerdy Tangent

2011-01-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

I started yesterday's post on remodeling with the intent to go somewhere further, but after all my science-y explanations ran their course, I decided to stop while I was ahead.

So in an infinitely less detailed and more materialistic fashion, the flip side of my Gemini heritage will explain what I also meant about remodeling...

When I started Medifast, I told my counselor that my goal is to be a size 6...She didn't really need to know about my myriad of other reasons for doing it for good this time.

Anyway, I proceeded to say that in the past at 183 pounds I was a comfortable size 8. Keep in mind this held true not only in college, but after another large weight loss attempt...

Therefore we set my goal at 161, since that would probably put me in a 6.

However, I weighed in last week at 183.5, but I am still in a 10.

So for me remodeling has another meaning, too, and it's not just angry fat cells.

I know I have looser skin than I used to-a 'reward' from weight loss that I can SEE in the mirror. Maybe this will tighten up over my maintenance period as the system supporting the fat that I have lost recedes and my angry fat cells chill out. But maybe my increasing age and decreasing connective tissue will keep me saggy.

However, for now I am a square 10 trying to fit into a round 8.

How many of you feel 'remodeled' and have realized you aren't the same size you used to be at the same weight?

Reverse Remodeling

2011-01-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

When the heart is put under certain stresses, it adjusts its mass and chamber wall thickness to compensate for the stress. For instance, when someone suffers a heart attack, the area of the heart tissue that has been deprived of oxygen (due to vessel blockage, etc.) dies.

The dead area then undergoes 'remodeling', where the normal heart cells are replaced with scar tissue, which is not the normal heart muscle. This area thins out and is unable to contract properly, which often leads to heart failure. In the meantime, in the shrunken area, the blood vessels which once fed the dead tissue disappear, and the blood flow to that heart tissue is then reduced.

This is the heart's way of fixing the problem, since the heart has no other way to repair or replace this damaged tissue. As scientists, we are trying to reprogram this repair, to result in 'reverse remodeling'-one such therapy that is being researched is stem cell therapy. The patients own bone marrow stem cells can be taken out and injected into the patient's dead heart tissue. These stem cells can then change into heart cells, or even become part of new blood vessels to the region.

Reverse remodeling with stem cells is a very real option that is being pursued in all kinds of studies to work out any bugs, but patients in trials have already shown promising results.

When we get fat, a kind of remodeling also occurs-maybe you have heard about the 'hydrated' fat on this season of The Biggest Loser...

As we add to our fat depots, the body must feed these growing fat cells by creating a network of blood vessels into the area.

When you see the dead adipocyte (fat cell) in the obese adipose tissue (AT), this is NOT a good thing. See the fat cell gets so full that is explodes-and it becomes an 'angry fat cell'. This dead angry fat cell serves to recruit in more macrophages (immune cells) to clean up the mess... These immune cells then release inflammatory chemicals which regulate how the surrounding fat functions-stimulating them to release their own proinflammatory hormones.
These angry fat chemicals then affect a WIDE array of tissues (FFA=free fatty acids)...

This remodeling turns this fat tissue into endocrine organs-organs which release chemicals (like hormones) that affect the function and survival of other organs/tissues. So the fat chemicals affect blood vessel functions (think atherosclerosis), immune cell inflammation (think autoimmune diseases), fatty liver which can lead to cirrhosis, insulin resistance of the skeletal and heart muscle (leading to the remodeling of the heart), beta cells in the pancreas die=prediabetes-this increasing metabolic syndrome and change in blood vessels lead to a 3 times greater risk for Alzheimers.

Who knew one little angry fat cell could be so powerful? Truth is, as obese people, we have millions of angry fat cells.

The good news? Unlike the heart, reverse remodeling is VERY possible in the fat tissue. How? Lose weight. Even a 10 pound loss makes a difference in circulating angry fat chemicals. There is no research needed on this therapy-we have the tools within ourselves. Diet and exercise and lose the weight already-because you don't want to make the fat angry. You won't like them when they're angry.

And neither will your organs.

Honest is as honest does

2011-01-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

Upon receiving this great award from Michelle, I thought long and hard about what being an honest blogger means to me, and possibly some of you others out there.

When I started this blog, I was grieving heavily and wanted to share my story and joys about Polar, but moreso it was so that I was publicly accountable for what I was going to try...so that I would be held responsible for my fuck-ups, cheating, and asinine tantrums-as I knew these would come as I cut back on my 'drug'. Up until this blog, I never told anyone that I was attempting something until after I had already accomplished it.

However, with this blog something interesting happened...I realized that as a person, I worry more about what strangers, distant acquaintances, and fans of the blog think and feel about me, rather than the opinions of my close friends and family. Not that my family and friends don't matter, but I guess I know how they feel, and don't doubt their support or feelings for me.

And as much as this journey is for ME, because I'm the one who HAS to look at the cellulite and rolls in the mirror, I do care about public opinion to some degree, I'm not going to lie and say those who don't like me can screw off (but if you don't like my dogs you CAN screw off).

This is why I have been so successful in my diet, because I dread having to post about failures to you all. Even if your comments are all nice and supportive, even on a bad week, I want to stand for something in your mind and don't want to sully your opinion by failing.

I want to be the 'gung-ho, no nonsense, take no prisoners dieter'. Someone to gain motivation from...don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to be a 'role model', but I do want you to think I am doing the best possible. Honestly, maybe part of me wants you to aspire to my weight loss numbers, because I have never been the showstopper or the prettiest/most desired girl in the room-even when I was super fit. Trust me, I KNOW I have LOTS of issues, but I want to help somehow, maybe serve as an example of what can happen if you stick to your guns, bite the bullet, and shit or get off the pot.

Yes, I realize this all goes back to my need for recognition for my hard work. Why I need this, I don't know, since my parents were more than supportive and encouraging growing up.

So to borrow from Michelle, I am very flawed, but I do know my strengths. I can play sports really well, I understand science deeply, I am a fiercely protective friend, I have a pretty face, and I can lose the shit out of weight. If my strengths, or weaknesses, can help you along your journey, then that makes me happy...and motivates the hell out of me, too.

So 10 honest things about me are:
1. I look for my own worth in others opinions too much.
2. I curse alot, but please don't hold that against me.
3. I have intense fear of suffocating or drowning, but I love the water.
4. I have a deep fear of my husband leaving me for someone skinnier.
5. I want Karma to do her job and hurt those who have hurt me.
6. I have a problem forcing my dreams on others, like wanting my husband to further his career, too, so that we can live more comfortably.
7. My impatience is a force to be reckoned with-which is why my 1 pound losses really piss me off.
8. Though I love my life and would NEVER change it now, I have a problem letting go of mistakes I have made in the past, even though changing those mistakes would mean a different life for me now.
9. Though I have never been judgmental of others looks, I am extremely critical of my own looks and have unrealistic body aspirations for myself.
10. Even if I get to a size 6, and get a great job with great pay, I am not sure that I will ever feel content or be completely happy with myself or my accomplishments.

Now I must nominate four extremely honest bloggers...
Jennifer-she details her struggle with maintaining her goal and her obstacles along the way. She is a great support and her honest blog is one to follow...
Bethanny-she tells it like it is, the good, the bad and the ugly, and always entertains with great pictures, too!
Call me Ishamel-honest about her weaknesses and is a great writer-check out her blog!
Jennifer-loves to run, very supportive, open to suggestions, honestly wants to improve herself-love her!

Congrats!

As if being fat isn't bad enough...

2011-01-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

My damn skin has been revolting against me for the past week. Seriously, teenage zits? NOT FUCKING FAIR.

Everytime I start feeling like I am in front of the 8 ball and my confidence soars a bit, I get knocked right back down with a huge honker on my forehead, or worse, in the tip of my nose.

I really think zits are God's great equalizer. But do they have to be so PRESENT???

When I was fatter, I never wanted to go out, I was totally embarassed and scared shitless that I would run into someone I used to know when I was a 'hot mess', not just a 'mess' as I had become.

Now that I don't mind going out, I get zits, and again want to retreat to my couch. Freaking awesome.

Why am I bitching about this, you ask? Because this is my reason for not posting pics.

Many of you want to see an updated pic of me now, and have been *rather* vocal in this. ;-) So this is my excuse not to for a week or so.

You have all probably seen my pic from when I had lost about 20 pounds from back in October I think, now I have lost 61.5 total, and I promise a pic soon. I understand that for those of you brave enough to post pics and put it all out there, that it only makes sense for those bloggers you follow to suck it up and reciprocate.

So moral of this story, I'm working on it...

Freddy Mercury and Three Pounds

2011-01-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

You may love, you may hate, or you may not know much about Freddy Mercury. You may disagree with how he lived his life and not feel sympathetic about his death from AIDS, but you have to give me one thing-the man could sing the paint off the walls, and they don't make musicians like him anymore...take note Justin Bieber...

I love Queen, the group Mercury headed with such flashy substance for MANY years producing number #1 hit after #1 hit.

After hearing Under Pressure again today, a hit sung with a David Bowie cameo, I had to look up the lyrics, because I love the song a lot and I caught some interesting words at the end that sat with me...

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

I thought, "you sing it Freddy!"

Last week, I felt my diet, and my sanity, slipping away. Felt cornered, felt slovenly, felt lazy, felt like all my hard work was falling apart. I had been feeling that way for at least the previous six weeks as well. This week I thought, "it's time, this is my body, I need to take care of business and stop dicking around, no one else can implant willpower into my brain or move my fat ass for me."

So in spite of being sick two days this week and not exercising those days, I ate very carefully, stuck to my guns, and lost three pounds (and I didn't even poop before weighing in).

You see, one of the few things I like about myself and have confidence in, is that I respond to pressure, and respond well. Maybe I let my rut get out of control because subconsciously I knew it would reach my tipping point, and then my type A would take over and I would kick my own ass again. Maybe just last week I noticed the tipping point was near and that I was a mess and in the process of failing slowly.

Regardless of the impetus I felt the pressure, and was frightened to break it down and realize how old I am getting, how young my loved ones are dying, and that this is my last dance. So how do I want to feel, who do I want to be, and how do I want to go out and spend my only trip on this spinning ball of rock?

How do YOU want to go out? It's time to change our way of caring about ourselves...whether it is the crushing on your chest and joints from pounds, or the pounding in your brain from the crushing pressure, it's time to turn it around...flip the grid and use the pressure to make a change, as time waits for no one.

You never realize how sh*tty you really looked...

2011-01-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

Until scores of random people tell you how GREAT you look now...(GREAT being said with loads of cheerleader enthusiasm and grotesque shocked/awed faces, at waaay too high a decibel).

Sure leave it to me to be glass half empty, but damn! Not that I thought I looked GOOD per se, occasional pictures never let my grandiose visions go that far, but I wasn't a hobbit...

Or so I thought...

Not only do people not recognize me now, like my really good friend that I hadn't seen in a few months, but then they say, "Wow, you really are looking great!"

I really shouldn't be looking a gift compliment in the mouth, I know this, cause hey it is super cool for people to say nice things to you AND have less mean things to say about you behind your back, but DUDE.

But to let the extraordinarily small percentage of glass half full to rear her pretty head for a second, I am so happy to be noticed for being pretty again. Sounds materialistic, but hey, every NSV counts!

I think one thing that I really notice myself, is that I LOOK pretty again-and let's face it my face has and always will be my one good feature (since the boobs are not happy to be on a diet). When I was younger, family and friends would always tell me how pretty I was (not to be snobby, just stating what they said).

When I was fatter, I couldn't see that prettiness no matter how much I worked the makeup or hair, and I thought my looks had actually changed underneath, that I was destined to be average. Because honestly, I totally blended into the wall.

And that was preferred even better because when I was fat I didn't want recognition or attention. But now that I am skinnier, I am kind of relieved that my face is still my face underneath-I haven't lost the one thing that I actually liked about myself.

I'm sure you have seen that with alot of people, they look pretty average in the face, but when they lose weight, you realize that they are pretty darn attractive-I've seen that alot on the Biggest Loser especially.

So to those who are just starting, having a tough time after the holidays, losing track of their mojo, need a lift, just hang in there...and before you know it you will be inundated with left handed compliments, too! Have a great weekend, everyone!

I just KNEW I really had style!

2011-01-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

Too sweet, people. Two super cool and interesting bloggers, Bethanny and FAB, were awesome enough to bestow this award on me yesterday, so now I must accept and do the following...

Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award
Share 7 things about yourself
Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can)
Contact the bloggers and tell them they won

So here is goes!

1. I dress up in purple on days when I have to talk to my boss one on one, because I know he is a clothes snob and responds to certain colors.

2. I never tell people when I am attempting to concur a goal or feat, as I feel that will jinx me, I only tell them after I fail/succeed.

3. I have been thinking of adopting a retired greyhound racer next, if only because I am scared of seeing another Dane go through Wobblers.

4. Hubby and I are taking a much needed vacation to Turks and Caicos in May-and four months cannot go by fast enough.

5. I weigh my clothes that I wear to weigh in to make sure they are the lightest pieces of clothing I can find.

6. I'm super scared that I will not get below 180 pounds, as I can't remember when I last stepped on a scale and it was less than 180.

7. I wish I had the time and money to have a ranch for special needs rescue dogs that are deemed unadoptable.

Awesome bloggers-in no particular order:
Smaller Fun Pants
Jennifer
Jennifer #2
Ginger
Waisting Time
Call me Ishmael
Aussie Sue
Life as a Caterpillar
The Merry
Julie
Charlotte

I understand if you are not an 'awardy' type person, but I loves ya anyway!!

Strange Addictions II

2011-01-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

I, like many of you out there, am an addict. Not just to food, but to anything I find remotely stimulating.

So, yes, I obviously have an addictive personality-self diagnosed. When I was eating pre-diet foods, I noticed that I even gravitated towards certain foods, beyond pizza and the traditional cheesy drugs... I ate certain 'odd' things until I couldn't stand them anymore.

You say 'so what?' we all do that. Um, no, let me explain. I ate a certain nacho dish or a certain spicy pasta dish for dinner EVERYNIGHT for at least a year. This did not put extra weight on me, as I was already a chunky beast by this time. But it kept weight on me, for sure, since I was active and exercising.

Can you imagine eating the same two things everynight-for months and months? Hubby works at night, so I always cooked for myself. For someone who always gets bored, I NEVER deviated, in fact I was downright excited every night.

Case #2, I used to eat Nestle chocolate chip cookie dough, right out of the pretty yellow tube, and no I never got salmonella. Maybe if I had it would have curbed my habit. For probably 10 years I would eat tablespoons per day for 3 weeks or so, then get sick of it and stop for 6 months. Then it would reoccur, when that thick yellow penis would call to me from the refrigerated section of my grocery store. Yes, it was better than sex to me.

Case #3, I used to eat raw cake/brownie mix. Just mix the powder with water-because hey it is less fat and calories without the egg/butter/oil. Same thing, eat about 1/4 of the powder in a cereal bowl with water each day for weeks, then get sick of it and stop.

Case #4 eBay shopping-I will go through phases when I surf ebay ALL day every day for a week, buy a myriad of random stuff, then stop. This happens often now, since it is not a food related obession I don't curb it. And I SO do not want to end up a hoarder, plus it would really be great if I had a 20K sqft mansion before I start collecting more stuff.

Case #5 online poker-Again, not food related, so at night lately and in years past when I would normally want to graze and sweets would call me, I play a hand of poker-$1.10 buy in, and if I make it to the last 5 at the 10 person table I win $2.20-takes about 30-40 minutes/hand. And yes, I do this while surfing eBay-as it seems I can stack and multitask my addictions pretty well.

Case #6-cross-stitching-I do it everynight for months straight, then can't stand to look at it anymore. This is typically after I buy a wide assortment of kits off eBay.

Case #7-Vacation planning-Obsessive isn't even the word. You all know I am a crazy person when I don't have a future vacation planned-just the knowledge that one is coming up keeps me even keeled. Without one, I am a BITCH to be around, my poor husband... And when I am planning one?? Forget it, I research and plan it to within an inch of it's life-activities, exercise time, restaurants for every meal, checking for better plane seats everyday...etc.

Case #8-Philanthropy-specifically rescuing animals has become a bad obsession since Polar died. Sure I loved rescuing and training fosters in the past, but now I long for land and independent wealth so that I can have a rescue ranch. Seriously. To the point that I bought $60 of lottery tickets last week. Don't even ask me if I won-you would have seen that post if I did... And last week I also offered to transport a deaf Husky to any rescue that would take him. He's in Springfield, MO. I'm in Dallas. Do the mapquest. Why did I offer this? Because I feel bad for the sweet neglected husky up the street from me.

Case #9-Submitting grants and entering contests-I feel like this need to be recognized for being a great scientist stems from my hauntingly mediocre undergraduate GPA...it was always a reason for rejecting me or at least was a reason in my head, now I try to smother it with other accolades. Do I like entering contests and writing grants? Hell to the MF-ing NO.

Case #10-DIY network and HGTV. Yes, seriously I was home yesterday and watched it for 12 straight hours. House Hunters, Property Virgins, House/Bath Crashers, Selling New York, Design on a Dime, 10 grand in Hand, More Bang for Your Buck, Design to Sell, ETC, ETC, ETC. Maybe if all the carpenters and contractors weren't so damn personable and good looking...hmm.

Case #11-exercise. I used to exercise alot, but it reaped rewards, as I played better and was a better athlete. But now? I find if I do not work out, then the guilt is immeasurable. Like crushing, and so depressing. What's worse, is that based on my calorie intake, I am only supposed to do 30 minutes of exercise/day. But when I reach that 30 minute mark, I say, 'oh just another 10', then I say 'oh going another 20 won't hurt me'. If my elliptical did not allow longer than 65 minutes in a row without restarting the program, I would surely go longer. The past two weeks I have done 65 minutes on the elliptical everyday-burning at least 800 calories. Then I do P90x on top of that. Dropping dead scares the shit out of me, and yet I keep pushing myself. Maybe I need therapy for my fear of gaining the fat back?

Case #12-If you read my post two posts ago, you know from where this stems...I was addicted to worrying about my significant other cheating on me...to the point that the CIA would be glad to have me on their team-hacking into email addresses, hiring PIs, following (yes stalking) my sig other, googling exes of significant others, etc. I guess I was more obsessed with figuring out if they were cheating on me. I relegate this to self-preservation, but obviously it is a trust issue. And it was definitely an all-encompassing addiction that would fill every waking moment. Thank goodness my hubby knows this about me, and knows that trying to hide things from me just makes me a crazier investigator/analyzer/schemer.

So I wonder when the next addiction will hit. Lately I have been searching for houses to buy. Are we in the market you ask? No.

Maybe some people call them hobbies, especially if they are not food related. I imagine some guys golf as much as I surf eBay, or some gals scrap-book, etc. So are these hobbies, or just ways to feed my addictive personality?

Who the hell knows, but I guess if I am not hurting anyone or putting me and hubby into the poorhouse than I shouldn't worry? But I know therapists, especially Dr. Drew on celebrity rehab who I love, talks about breaking the addiction cycle. And maybe I need to do this before I become a sex addict, body builder or anorexic, drug addict, or end up with 20 dogs in my 1600 sqft house. But how? How do you occupy your mind away from food?

Its not over until its really over

2011-01-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

My best friend in 6th grade was named Jenn. We were inseparable. Our families hung out quite a bit, too. We went to school together all through grade and high school.

But we grew apart after she got cancer. I remember the lump on her neck, at the base of her collarbone-it was huge. It turned out to be Hodgkins. She must have been out of school for chemo and radiation for at least 6 months to the best of my memory.

She was treated, and treated well, at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, and she came back with a wig, which was a tad disconcerting for the rest of us, but she was more bubbly than ever.

I imagine this outgoing-ness was because she came through-then we graduated 7th grade together. After that though, we started hanging out with different people.

She was different, but then again I can't imagine having cancer and that not changing your life. It is life and death, so it makes sense that it would be a life changer. We always got along after her Hodgkins, but were not so inseparable anymore.

Today my Mom read my latest high school newsletter that arrived at their house. You know the one-this class is having a reunion, that couple had a baby, here's a form for you to give the school money, and the In Memorium section.

Seems Jenn died in November, surrounded by her brother (two years our junior), parents, and her husband.

Being the super sleuth that I am I found an entry she had made on a fellow cancer bloggers page, where she thanked them for being inspiring, noted she herself was a Hodgkins survivor and a stage 4 BC patient-and that she was awaiting scans from her doctor and was really nervous.

She asked for luck. While she had a myriad of friends, she lacked in luck. Having cancer twice. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy-seems no one should have to wear that badge, let alone twice.

This time she couldn't eeck out the win. I had no idea she was sick again. But more importantly, her obituary said she fought hard, right up to the end. She knew her foe, all too well, knew the odds were REALLY stacked against her a second time, but she never gave up.

Once we are thin maybe we will feel a false sense of security, maybe we will lapse into old habits, maybe we will fight the good fight. Maybe in 5, 10, 20 years we will get fat again. I know as well as anyone that yo-yo weight is my forte, though not a proud notch on my belt. But I will fight the good fight until I take my last breath...

Because I know what fat can do to my heart, I know how a stroke could make me a vegetable, I know being fat can expose me to a myriad of other opportunistic killers-like cancer. So until that breath is my last, I will fight my issues, knowing the odds are against me because I have already proven an addict, susceptible and plain old weak.

In the meantime, I will eat well, move my booty, and get a goddamn mammogram already.

When it really isn't all your fault

2011-01-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I used to detest 'battered' women-those who stayed too long all the while being abused. I thought they were weak, or stupid, or both. That was until I became one myself.

And yes, yes, I KNOW that ultimately we all put the food into our OWN mouths. And I know that dieting is 80% food, 10% exercise, and 10% mental, but I would argue that STAYING thin or not getting fat to begin with is 80% mental.

So last night I am laying in bed with hubby and somehow I get onto talking about my ex-fiance-I think it started with bitching about P90X and building muscle.

You see, my ex Jack* (*names have been changed to protect the douchey) was a professional athlete. I was still an athlete at that time, we met at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, and it was a fast and furious love. Everything was wonderful, and after a year and some months we got engaged.

He was funny and confident, and made me feel sexy yet smart. When we lived together and moved off the Olympic complex, things were good. For a few years things were good. Then he started pushing me to set a wedding date, and I kept changing the subject. In my head, I was not sure why I did this-now I look back and am SO glad I did.

After about 3 years together, little things started to annoy me. He ate alot, he had to since he burned at least 10K calories a day working out, but he NEVER did his dishes yet ate ALOT of meals. And he never cleaned the bathroom, or straigtened up, or even mowed the yard. Come to think of it, he NEVER helped around the house, and when I asked he got defensive and somehow managed to turn it into an argument and back around on me. That I was lazy and messy...

Did I mention I owned our house, and paid all the bills myself? Yeah, no shit.

Then I noticed him making inside jokes aside to certain girls he knew, or emailing certain girls casually. I asked about them and wanted to be in on the jokes. Maybe my tone ended up being accusatory, but that was months after asking about them calmly and in a round about way. Even when I asked casually, he got defensive, turned it around and into a huge argument, and it always ended up with me being 'crazy and paranoid'.

I realize now that this was about the time I started to eat. When I was home by myself stewing, when he would storm out the door because I had 'accused' him. And I would eat when he would get so angry that he would push me around (dude was huge and crazy strong), and I would eat some more when I was begging him not to leave me after he would flip an argument into being my fault. And I would eat when I would see random numbers calling him, or him taking his phone into the bathroom with him, or him walking out of the room when these girls would call.

When he dumped me and moved out, I begged him to stay-I offered him everything I had (if you get my drift), I begged to keep some connection with him. And I ate some more. I gained 15 pounds after we broke up in the two weeks prior to my best friends wedding in which I was to be a bridesmaid-yes this can happen if you try really hard apparently. I was a cow those pictures, had to alter the dress emergently, and was a mess on my BF's big day. I will never forgive myself. I was with him for 5 years, I let myself be treated like shit for at least 2 years of those 5, and I cried myself to sleep(as quietly as I could because he would get mad) more times than I could count.

What's more, after I realized he had been cheating, after we broke up, after seeing the PI's photos (yes I hired one), I snapped out of it. I stopped taking his calls, opening his emails, rebuked his efforts to get back together. I freed myself from the battered syndrome, because I was not crazy and paranoid afterall, and I was certainly not lucky to have him. I took a year off from men completely, and lost 70 pounds.

I swore I would not go for the athlete again, not be attracted to the stigma, and would find someone who had a career and could support himself. So I started dating another guy, Steve*-not very good looking, but worked alot and had money. I had nothing to fear, right?? Then I watched him OPENLY flirt with other girls right in front of me, followed him and another girl in a parking lot from a party we were at and caught him right before he tried to kiss her. I made him a nice cross stitched pic, very masculine, and it was all I could afford after I started grad school, and he LAUGHED at it. When I got upset because he mocked it after I had worked on it for MONTHS, he stormed out. It was happening again. This time, I knew he was cheating on me, I saw the emails, and I was looking pretty closely this time. But I still gained 40 pounds as I saw him fall all over girls that I could never become-over and over and over. We broke up, he wanted to still be best friends, I said hell no, I cut the cord quick and that was that.

I let myself get treated like shit AGAIN-and though Steve did not yell at me the way Jack did, he still trounced my soul and crushed my confidence. And I let him do it, and that is my fault. But their being assholes was NOT my fault. Them pounding my confidence was NOT my fault-what they did to me mentally, how they treated me, was not my fault. Eating to feel better, yes that was me. But being paralyzed inside, no matter how I tried to suppress or stuff those feelings, was 80% of the battle while getting fat.

So I guess my lessons were:
1. Don't let anyone treat you in a way that you would be embarrassed to tell your friends or family about
2. Relationships that are not close to 50-50 in effort won't last long
3. When instinct tells me he is cheating, it's true almost ALL of the time (actually my private investigator told me that)
4. Don't ever let anyone or anything have so much control over you that you actually HARM yourself
5. NO ONE is worth crying yourself to sleep over
6. Stuffing your feelings with food doesn't make them go away, it just makes you fat
7. There are nice guys around, even if you have to go to Iowa to find them ;-)

Sorry for the long post!

More than fur and wet kisses

2011-01-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

Most of you know that Polar was deaf and partially blind since birth. In rescuing him and his deaf and blind sister, Pearl, I knew I would be taking on ALOT of responsibility. Essentially I was to become their therapy human-their eyes and ears to the world.

What they taught me in the long run, obviously I have discussed AT LENGTH. However, I was lucky that they came into my life, because even as special needs dogs, they were instrumental in helping me learn, grow, and love.

And they were/are just house pets. However, many people rely on specially trained animals to survive-sensing oncoming seizures, dangerous drops in blood sugar, serving as the eyes/ears of their humans. Some dogs can even help in socialization and emotional growth-in fact most do! Regardless of the therapy-these dogs are mucho expensive-up to $20,000, but their service provided is priceless.

Rett Syndrome is a disease passed to 1 in 10,000 children (mostly girls survive), on the x-chromosome. A mutation in a specific protein results in a reduction of neuro development-specifically children grow and mature normally for a few months, then they exhibit a slowing down or stagnation of skills, such as use of their hands and gait movement. Over time, motor problems may increase and maximum assistance with every aspect of daily living is required. You can read more about Rett's here.

In our bloggy world, I have learned about a sweet little 3 year old girl Chickadee with Rett Syndrome. Her mom blogs about her and is trying to get her a therapy dog-a $6000 therapy dog. Sure that is a great price that Midwest Assistance Dogs is willing to cut, but ALOT of money for just about anyone. However, the services that this future dog could provide to little Chickadee are definitely worth it. Since Chickadee is not mobile, this dog will be specially customized for Chickadee's issues, and could serve to alert for aspiration (sucking down food/liquids etc into windpipe), alert her mom when Chickadee is distressed and unable to alert her mom, and importantly help her socialize and grow confident in spite of her disabilities.

SOOO...I KNOW money is tight, especially right after the holidays, but if you can help donate to get this dog, I'm sure you will sleep even better at night. But even if you can't give, follow her journey (what's one more blog anyway), tell your friends, and when you DO win the lottery-remember Chickadee!

Because let's face it, most of us have been affected positively by our animals, and everyone should be able to experience all these furry guys have to offer.

Backtracking

2011-01-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

Or 'back to tracking'-depending if you are a glass half empty or full kind of person.

See, I found myself grazing like a starving cow yesterday. Though I was grabbing healthy stuff, turkey pepperoni, pickles, olives, I was grabbing in a bit of a frenzy. I was hungry, but still...

Medifast as a plan does not condone random snacking, as I'm sure most other plans don't either. Problem is that I have been naughty about getting in my required 5 meal replacements a day, which are specific Medifast foods that are very nutritionally controlled.

Due to this, I am hungry more and at random times-though the scale is unaffected so far..

I have realized this all stems from the fact that I stopped keeping my food journal a while back. I realize that not only did tracking remind me that I need to eat x more meal replacements, but it kept me from grazing because God knows I didn't want to see the frenzy recorded in permanent black ink.

One thing makes me wonder though...most perpetually skinny people I know graze ALOT, and it is what they choose to graze on that keeps them skinny I think. So if I am grazing 'responsibly', does that mean I am adopting skinny principles???

Sure I may be trying to justify not tracking and continued grazing, but the premise of grazing wisely is one that I can obviously adopt and embrace, and this gives me hope for maintenance...if I ever get there!!! ;-)

So to get to my 6, I will track again. Bah humbug.

Un-resolutions

2011-01-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

I abhor New Year's resolutions-for myself that is because I have NEVER pursued them past January. No matter the resolution, not just weight loss/getting fit resolutions, and obviously being nicer and sweeter never took...

I think this is because there was really no impetus for me to change. Even before this diet, there was no fat doctor preaching in my ear while running out the door for a cigarette break-one of my favorite hypocritical things about doctors, let me tell you!

Anywho, I digress...you all know the reason(s) that I decided to get on the diet bandwagon for good this time. What will keep me on it, and help me finish my goals, not resolutions, is money.

See, I have already bought many clothing items in size 6. Yes, I am a 'cart before the horse' kind of girl. I like to think of it as 'ready for action' or 'uber-prepared'. Haha

Also, there are no more health issues that a doctor could even try to harp on me for, no co morbid conditions to worry about...that being said, I still want to drop because...

Well...Medifast is freaking expensive!! I love it, but damn!

I am supposed to be down to my goal at the end of February-this is the original goal of 161, not my modified goal of around 150 pounds...at that point I am supposed to go into maintenance phase for a year.

However, I can apparently use up to eight of those weeks for further weight loss. Since I haven't been 150 since I was in high school, I imagine it will take me those 8 weeks to creep my way down the scale, my fat stores screaming to be fed the whole time. Like a kid laying down and throwing a tantrum in the middle of the mall. Yes, I am very visual.

Anyway, at $45-75 per week for food, plus grocery food for my one real meal/day, you do the math. Eating healthy is expensive, especially fresh protein (fish, chicken, pork, lean red meat, etc.) But I guess impetus is impetus, no matter the form it takes. But seriously...

Dude I need to win the damn lottery already.

Kicking Butt and Taking Names-kinda

2010-12-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

So Hot 100 is at a close, as is 2010, and I have to thank Steve for helping me to stay accountable to myself.

There were many ups and downs of this last 100 days, and I was obviously smoking some serious hash when I set my first goal, BUT...

1. Reach goal of 161 by year end-that would have been about 75-80 pounds. DUDE, WTF was I thinking? However, as of this morning, I am the lightest I have been in 10 years. YAY ME! I fell a bit short of my modified goal of 185, as I am now 188, but again-it's been a decade people. I believe I have lost 45-50 pounds during this challenge alone. I'm stoked. DOUBLE YAY.

2. This was an easier one to keep-no days eating over 2000 calories. On Medifast most days are planned to be around 1000-1200 calories anyway, so as long as I stayed on plan, I was good, and I did stay on plan...In spite of the AWESOME yukon potato puree I made for Christmas dinner. Could have eaten it all myself. In a closet. With my blankee. Followed by the fetal position...SO no cheating on this goal.

3. Weeks without a loss-leave it to Mother Nature to mess with my flow. No pun intended. Only one week I had a 1 pound gain. All in all, pretty good progress. To date, 57 pounds lost in about 5 months.

It has been downright lovely getting to know and follow all my fellow hotties, and I wish you all health, wealth, and weight loss in 2011. Now Steve-please give me some peppers-I'm a jalapeno addict!!!! And in exchange, I'll give you my awesome corn jalapeno casserole recipe...

1 can or bag of sweet yellow corn
half up to full 8 ounces of FF cream cheese
1/2 cup to taste of yummy diced jalapenos
1/2 cup shortening/margarine added at the end to make the corn more fluid-again this is a preference issue and can be adjusted, I use about 2 tbsp

Throw it all in a microwaveable dish, mix every minute until all melted, and hot-serve or refridgerate-easy peezy!

YUM!!!

Strange Addictions

2010-12-30T10:23:00.000-08:00

So I watched this new show last night, and in addition to becoming hooked, saw something very interesting.

While one poor girl was seeking therapy for her blow dryer addiction, her therapist suggest she write a letter to her addiction.

In this letter she was to state what it had done for her, how it made her happy, how it had hurt her and why she was moving on. A Dear John letter of sorts...

I am not a 'let's write letters to our soul' kind of gal, but I thought this was interesting-the positives and negatives reviewed at this crappy time of the year for me is maybe just what I need to refuel my vengeance against fat.

So here it goes...

Dear Red-headed Food Addiction,

I have enjoyed our time together over the past four years, but I think we should see other people now.

See, while I was unsatisfied with my career path, you comforted me in the privacy of my own home. But now that I have gone back to school to pursue a career I love, I don't need that comfort anymore.

When I was bored and snowed in, or it was too hot to go outside, you gave me something to bide my time in between crappy TV shows or emails from home. Though with parka coats and air conditioning, there is no excuse not to go outside really, and live life in the fresh air!

When I broke up with my boyfriend(s), you welcomed me at all hours of the day, and never judged me or left me or cheated on me. Now that I am married, for good I hope, I have someone else to love in the middle of the night, I don't need your endorphin lust.

When I was in the 200's, I enjoyed your company a little here and there, and never felt huge-till that day forever caught in pictures. Now I can't believe I let you lead me on little by little for so long, and I followed over the cliff like a lemming so I am totally to blame there...but you were just so damn GOOD tasting.

However, losing Polar was rough, it was a time I would normally turn to food. And though I miss him terribly, I'm not ready to see him-not just yet. So I need to say goodbye to you.

It is time we parted ways, sure I will still see you at least three times a day, but I will keep it short-say hello, then continue walking down the road, or better yet-running down the road. See I can't quit you-not completely, but I can give you a restraining order so you keep your distance so that I can live other parts of life without your screaming in my ear. So keep an eye out-that check is in the mail.

Polar's Mom

When you love what you do...

2010-12-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

...you never work a day in your life.

I just heard that quote on TV, in the background as I hungrily scan through blogs, and it actually caught my attention.

I thought "No Shit!!" That is so true, and this makes me wonder about skinny people again...or rather how they think differently from myself.

See when I was superfit, many moons ago it seems, I never thought about my body, good or bad, it was SO a non issue. And back then since I was always training for my sport, working out was "fun", dare I use that word...

I did it because I saw almost instant results on the court. Tweak a serve after working a hopper of balls, get 5 more aces per match, run sprints, get to more drop shots. Et cetera ad nauseum.

This made eating not exciting, it was just something I did to fill the time between my athlete life and my sleeping life. Fill. The. Time.

Prior to the diet after fatty-dom struck, food became the main center of my life. I would rush home from the lab because I was excited about what I was going to eat for a snack, then for dinner. Seriously, that is messed up.

All this has me now thinking, do healthy & skinny people not work to be skinny and healthy because it's not work-it's just filling time and fueling their real lives? Or do they consciously think about it, and because they love how they look and feel the exercise and diet feel less like work to them?

I am totally curious, because obviously I took being healthy and skinny for granted, and now I hope to squash my inner self-examining freak and make weight loss secondary to living life.

Don't get me wrong, losing weight is TOTALLY a full time job and needs to be a number one priority, but for me I wish it was less work and more love. Less obsession and more healthy love and fear. Because now that eating food is not my center, I hate that giving up food is my center.

See, I still feel like an addict, just of a different variety, and I still feel like I am missing something central to the whole process... Maybe it is selfish and stupid but I want to love losing weight like an easy breezy high school kind of love, not an all encompassing college sponge sucking face kind of love. I also want it to be second nature, because for me, having such a negative stigma for weight loss, which is at the forefront of EVERYTHING I do, makes it that much more work.

And let's face it, no one can go for long living for TGIF and working towards a weekend that is s-l-o-w to come, if ever-I need to back burner this without losing momentum I think. I need it to be less work, and more a silent habit, if I am to ever define myself as someone other than a perpetual dieter. I know, I don't ask for much, do I? ;-)

Best Vacations to Prolong Weight Loss

2010-12-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

For many, including yours truly, going on vacation means a break from the routine. This may include hotels, eating out in new restaurants, sleeping in, etc.

Like many of you, I enjoy a good vacation...my last vacation was to Las Vegas in July prior to 'the diet'. Boy did we have fun. It was only 3 nights, but we ate and gambled ourselves into a broke glucose stupor.

I researched restaurants beforehand, and prided myself on picking three places that were higher class (read: more expensive) than the typical fare of which we usually partake.

First night we ate at one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurants-I had the Australian Kobe version of a filet (6 oz) with mushrooms and red wine reduction, half of a shared Yukon gold potato puree, and half of a chocolate eruption souflee. Heaven, let me tell you.

Next was an Italian restaurant where I had risotto for the first time, and a seafood spicy linguine medley. Let's just say the next day I wished I had crammed it all into my mouth as I was angry that I left something behind on my plate. Too good, and not to badly priced.

Third night was at one of Mario Batali's restaurants, again I had a filet, and some of a strange mashed potato dish with egg in it. Not a great meal, but better than what I could cook.

In between all of that, we lost about a months worth of rent. But had a blast. Did I mention we were staying at the Palazzo for FREE??? Well, obviously it wasn't free, but it was great.

So yesterday I bitched about being bored with life, and many times before I have complained that I need a vacation planned at least in order to feel WHOLE and HAPPY. Yes, I am strange-I blame it on my gypsy upbringing where we moved and traveled all over.

One of my co-workers actually told me yesterday that I need a vacation, and knowing my weight loss plight, we started thinking about possible places.

I love Vegas, it is fun and there is always stuff to do, but let's face it, it is a food mecca and would be tough to eat healthy there and get a workout in...

Cruises are also fun I have heard, but they are floating buffets where people often gain weight, right?

So how do you go on vacation and have fun without coming back with an extra fanny pack on the inside?

One thought I had was going skiing, that way we would be working out 6-8 hours a days and wouldn't have to worry too much about watching calories or examining food preparation.

Actually, that was the only good idea I had. Planning to rent a room with a kitchenette and cooking every night is a great idea, but I admit would never come to fruition I assure you.

So where do you go to have fun and yet keep your weight off? I realize vacations in the summer months are slim on activities, that is why I am asking all the smartest people I know for suggestions!!!

Boredom is a dish best served cold...

2010-12-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

...or even better with cheese heaped on top. And not the kind of cheese that doesn't melt...

Ellen over at fat girl wearing thin talked today about what happens when things don't work for you anymore-a subject which definitely resonates with me.

Lately, unlike most Christmas-times in my life, I have been VERY bored. I HATE bitching and moaning as much as you guys hate reading about it, but damn already, WTF?!?!? I feel like I'm in Dante's Inferno without the rings of hell to liven things up a bit.

One of the things that endeared the holidays to me was the special food, but let's face it prior to the diet I loved food year round and it was a source of excitement for me.

But since the diet has enveloped my life, this year Christmas was just another day, and I really miss the 'special' in it.

Exercise is boring, too. I used to hate it until after I was done when the endorphins would make life awesome and renew my willpower. Now I just feel flat no matter how or when I work out, and the desire for delicious food to brighten my day gets stronger.

I love vacations, getting away, seeing new things, and they always renew my spirit and soul, but I don't have any planned. Honestly that makes me want to put my head down on my desk right now and cry. Seriously.

I love my work, but the past week I come in late and leave early and can't stand the sight of the place. I guess it reiterates to me the fact that I am not on vacation and everyone else is, and I am feeling quite disenchanted and burned out with science overall.

I'm not a thrill junkie, but everything, everyday bores the shit out of me and I feel like I want to pluck my nose hairs out just to liven the place up a bit.

Honestly I don't see my husband enough to be bored of him.

Even shopping is boring, and that is a bit scary to me since it was always my go to mood lifter after I gave up 'real food'.

Arrghhh, I'm sick of fucking bitching and moaning about this, but I'm even more sick of living in this disconnected, desensitized limbo.

So Ellen asked "what doesn't work for you anymore?" My answer: everything. So I ask you what do you do when you want to curl into a ball and hibernate for a month?

Get that license plate!

2010-12-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

Because I've been hit by a truck...or so it seems lately. I sit down at my desk at work and my lids start to droop and the low and steady hum of the lab machines makes me want to put my head down and....NOOO. No sleeping at work! Micromanaging boss would not approve...

The past few mornings, I have felt like I had run a marathon or had been probed by aliens all night-and not good looking aliens...

Maybe it is because I am getting to a lower weight that I need to work out more to get off the same amount of weight each week. Needless to say I have been pulling doubles on the elliptical for an hour and a P90X video each night.

So maybe I am working out too much, as I can honestly say that I haven't felt this drowsy since before I started the diet. Usually I feel great, but even my brain feels sluggish when I try to form sentences.

Maybe it's just Christmas coming and I'm all a-twitter, or maybe I'm just pissed to be working in an empty lab.

And boy do my boobs hurt-I did the chest P90X DVD which includes 50 different kinds of push ups-who knew boobs could be so sensitive!

But enough of my bitching, because Christmas is around the corner!! So have a good one and...

A good rule for spending time with family!

Hot 100 update:
1. Hopefully this week will be a loss
2. Hope to get to 185 by new years
3. No days over 2k calories-unfortunately ;-)

I will try to fix you

2010-12-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

When I think back to a year ago, we had just brought Polar to the neurologist. We piled him into a rented cargo van, and I watched in horror as he slipped into the splits on the tile floor of the vet's office as everyone else wondered what was wrong.

In my heart, I knew. Taiga, my other Dane baby, had been put down a year earlier after developing Wobbler's as a younger dog. When Polar came up lame after his accident, I recognized his paw dragging and slipping. I hated that this had happened to him, I hated myself even more for letting this happen.

Taiga had responded to gold bead therapy, which is basically like constant acupuncture that tries to get the body to reduce spinal inflammation and relieves pain. In fact she lived about three years after the onset of Wobbler's, which is pretty successful for noninvasive therapy.

After the MRI confirmed my worst fears for Polar, we weighed our options. Surgery, which is not very successful for very large dogs like him as the bones surrounding the fixed site often break from the strain, was not a humane option for him. Though I am very much a Western medicine type of gal, I scanned everything I could read, and decided to try acupuncture, and eventually gold bead therapy.

Every week, our holistic vet came and stuck MANY wires in him, then attached electrodes to the wires, and he just chilled and looked around and seemed to enjoy the attention. And the doggie cookies. Then the vet would massage him, and adjust his hips and other joints to relieve some stress within them. Then eventually we had gold beads placed in him. All the while he was on steroids as well...

Honestly, I hoped with all my heart that this would work, that we would have him for many more years. He still had a zeal for life and happiness and curiosity in his eyes, even if he couldn't move very well. He had his good days and bad, but the upswing that we were all hoping for never came.

I scoured the internet, and talked with vets all over the country trying to find other treatment options for him. You see, I pride myself on being a great researcher, on exhausting all options when trying to make decisions, on educating myself.

I scoured the internet for hundreds of hours, I tried to find anything. I tried so hard to fix him. He was relying on me, I was his only hope, and I failed him.

I couldn't fix him. Though I am not ready for another dog, I often find myself searching for dogs to adopt. And I only look for those unadoptable dogs, those with issues, blind or deaf like my boy, injured, etc.

Yesterday I found a site to adopt retired Iditarod dogs, and I found this one girl, Pippin. Seeing her picture spoke to me somehow-I connected with this dog I will probably never meet. Weird, I know. Ever since then I have been obsessed with trying to find a way to adopt her. I don't even know if she is still available, and I know I cannot get another dog right now, but the need to adopt this unwanted girl persists.

I know this all stems from trying to help her the way I couldn't help Polar-to make her life better-to fix her.

This holiday is killing me, I am crying alot, and the guilt is worse than ever-I miss my boy so much. I wish you all a fulfilling season with your loved ones, and yet I envy you to every fiber of my being.

Yearning for disgust

2010-12-19T10:55:00.000-08:00

Seems these days, many people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how good I am looking. I try to break past my neurosis to realize that they are complimenting me, not telling me that I used to look like shit.

And it is nice, knowing if I run into anyone from my more recent years, that I can only look better to them, that they will have nothing bad to say about my appearance. This is comforting, and helps me with the anxiety I used to have about going out and possibly running into someone as a huge lumpy lard ass.

I used to sit on my couch and play out the confrontation in my head, complete with the snide and cruel remarks on their part, my witty and biting remarks back to them, their whispering behind my back as I spin on the fat ball of my fat foot and quickly waddle away.

Honestly, these crazy horror-fantasies served as huge motivation in the earlier days of my diet, back when people still looked at me like, "you are doing something different with your hair, aren't you?" Back when I was reticent about telling people what I was 'attempting'. Now I tell anyone who asks-because I am succeeding. Proudly proclaiming that I am dieting.

So yesterday I realized I have lost some of my spit and vinegar for being super-strict with this diet and that the horror-fantasies have gone away. I realized how much HARDER it is becoming to stay anal about what I put into my mouth as more and more people tell me that I look good, as I like my reflection in the mirror more than in many years.

While I still stick to the diet, it is not clockwork like it used to be...the thoughts creep in about pizza, pasta, etc, and they aren't immediately expelled-they are allowed to linger, hang out, sit for a spell. This is really concerning as I know this is about the time when many people have problems with sabotage.

Is it easier to put down the Reeses and eat the celery if you hate yourself, feel paranoid about others talking about your bulky thighs, feel disgusting when you have to strip down to shower or be intimate with your spouse?

I think that 'normal' weight folks with normal thinking patterns, when people tell them they look great, they probably continue what they are doing with renewed abandon, but I can't help but feel complacent. And let's face it, complacency is what made me a walking time bomb in the first place.

Is finally being treated like an 'average' member of society going to be my downfall-are the judgement and snarky comments from friends and family what I need to continue to pursue health and being more 'average'?

Bad Week

2010-12-17T07:45:00.000-08:00

Mom is sick with pleuresy and possibly blood clots. It has been tough this week back and forth to the hospital and doctor.

Needless to say that I have not been consistent with my eating-while I have not been eating bad, I also have not gotten all my Medifast meals in and I have been eating dinner too late, so I have no idea what the scale would have to say about that.

I have gotten all my workouts in somehow, so that is one good point.

But I am not weighing in tomorrow as we will be busy with the parents. However, I did not blow it off and rescheduled for next week.

My Hot 100 goals for this week went well since I had a good day on the scales last week...
1. Lost 4.5 last week-not close to my goal but better than I was four months ago!
2. Had a good loss-no gain is good gain though...
3. No binge days over 2000 calories. Who would have thought back then that I would ever consider a 'binge' day to be over 2000 calories. Strange days, people!

Hope you all had a good, losing week!

Good Karma and the Scale Gods

2010-12-11T17:08:00.000-08:00

So here is how my twisted brain thinks...

Medifast has a neat guarantee on their food. If you don't like any of their items, after trying only one from a package of seven, you may bring them back and exchange them from other items that other dieters did not like.

And well, I HATED the tomato soup, and I love all things tomato, people. It was not only a frothy mess, but it looked like vomit-after a long night of alcohol and pizza kind of vomit. No shit. I could not even look at the picture on the box. Two words...dry...heave.

So I brought my 6 packages back in and PRESTO! There were SEVEN of the Smore protein bars that I love in the exchanging drawer. But instead of being greedy and taking all 7, I left one and exchanged it for my six snot soups.

Yeah I know, it didn't seem like anything at that time-still when I stepped on the scale...

I almost had a coronary, then I tried to jump off as soon as she let me 'cause I thought the number would change! I had lost 4.5 pounds from last week. This was in spite of the diet karma killing chocolate cake. SO...it HAD to be the soup exchange. HA!

Regardless, I was totally psyched and glad my extra workouts this week worked!

On another note, I got the most delicious roasted tomato soup at Whore Foods today-seriously delicious and 60 calories/2.5g fat per serving.
Highly recommend!

Melancholy Baby

2010-12-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Had a tough day emotionally. I know, I know, it could be worse. My butt could still be screaming at me every time I try to sit. Yes, P90x is still kicking my butt. Or the micromanaging boss could be breathing down my neck with busy work on Christmas...In fact my diet is going well-not great, but I'm a glass half empty kind of gal anyway.

For my Hot 100 goals, I am doing 'ok'.
1. Lost 1.5 last week so will probably be around 185 by year end, which is a tad bit off my 161 goal, but still a size 8/10.
2. Still losing, so that is good-P90X keeps my metabolism on it's toes I think-until Mother Nature stops by again.
3. I am very able to stay well under 2000 calories, especially when there is no pasta or sugar on my plan-but I fear the maintenance.

Mentally, I am usually at my peak at this time of year. I usually feel good as Christmas works its magic.

Not today, or even this season for that matter. Might be because it is still unseasonably warm here in Texas...or-

While I fully realize that not being able to partake in the typical seasonal cuisine, as elegant as it may be, is probably sucking the fun from my addicted brain, I know it is more than that.

I know what my problem is-but acknowledging it doesn't make it hurt less, doesn't make the dull ache go away.

Because when it comes down to it-this is the first Christmas without my favorite reindeer.

That's all I have in me right now, folks, talk to you in a few days.

Enough cake to crush a horse

2010-12-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

In celebration of my milestone this week on the scale, I had some chocolate cake-this is not a healthy reward, I understand this. Sure the piece was the size of my ass, but of course I only had a bit to quench my thirst for chocolate.

And can I tell you how awesome it was?!?!? Actually no, because I felt sick as shit afterward. Being as how Medifast does not allow sugar, not even fruit, during the weight loss phase, my liver and pancreas were quite shocked when they saw that cake.

The result? Screaming organs. Not a typo. They were NOT happy. On top of it all, it sure as heck wasn't as good as I had been building it up in my mind. And boy can I create a demand in my head-especially over the past three months on this diet.

But as what occurs when I picture and fantasize about men, nothing is ever as great as they are in your head. Which is probably why I enjoy reading so much-my imagination runs my reality.

Even if I hadn't felt like lapsing into a diabetic coma, the cake experience was not what I imagined. This made me wonder if all the food-gasms were in my head, too? If I wasn't scared about the scale flipping me off this coming week, I would try all of my used-to-be favorites just to prove to myself that the utopia I created revolving around these items was self-propagated. Plus they might help me poo.

Maybe my taste buds caught up to my logic-knowing that if they sung for the cake that I could go back to fatty mcfatterton with a foot in the grave. Who knows?

So that was my science experiment for the weekend, hope you all had a cool self-discovery, too.

Time is on my side

2010-12-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Last week I had a pretty good 4.5 lb loss in spite of my two bite Thanksgiving ( I was only allowed two bites of everything but turkey).

However, I fear I have begun to 'play' the system in that I realize what I need to do to weigh in better on Saturdays.

I find if I eat earlier, and drink tea and un-crystal lighted water on Friday night, that I retain less water. And many of you know that water retention is my strong suit-I'm a freaking camel, people.

Also, a crap is a must, but that is hard to come by when my intake is pretty light overall.

Though I yearn for the scale tomorrow, because if all goes well and I lose at least 2 pounds from last week, I will have lost 50 pounds overall. I realize nothing is certain though, after my gain a few weeks ago, in spite of adherence to the diet. Damn that estrogen.

But now that I am moving towards fitness, I find that my life is all about milestones. Ones I want to create and then attain. I WANT to plan-I have become a bit OCD about this. Like I NEED to have a vacation planned to look forward to, I NEED to enter myself in academic competitions in the hopes of winning, I NEED to buy things in my goal size 6. Maybe it is the thrill of the competition, adrenaline from what is to come, excitement over getting beautified...haven't figured that out yet. Not sure if this is another addiction replacing food...

But what I do know is that now that I am skinnifying, I NEED to better myself and attain more in all areas. What an odd feeling. I used to yearn for the day when I would wake up and feel like I have everything I want-that nothing more would make me happy. Now when I wake I think what can I do, plan, strive towards today...

In keeping with this spirit, I have made a list of things that I want to do/improve about myself sooner rather than later this year...
1. Obviously reaching goal weight is #1
2. Keep up with my Botox, it makes me feel good to see less wrinkles
3. I want to get my chest peeled/lasered because I have sun poisoning scars
4. I want to get the xmas decorations up soon
5. I'd like to plan another trip this coming year
6. Find some hot spicy pickles
7. Pay off at least 1 credit card completely
And the list goes on and on-like a loop in my head.

Part of that is my Hot 100 plan:
1. Lose every week-well I didn't a few weeks ago but had a good week this past week-cross your fingers for me tomorrow!
2. Eat under 2K calories a day-still on that schedule
3. Reaching goal by year end will be SUPER tough-but I'm still going to get as close as possible.

Hope your week was great everyone!

Onederful

2010-11-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

In spite of Mother Nature, I am finally back in Onederland. Lost pretty decently this week and a little from last week obviously.

Took a laxative yesterday so that helped with the bowels. My intestine likes to hold onto poo like my thighs like to hold onto pizza. I shudder to think that my life is beginning to revolve around bowel movements, and I'm not even 80 years old yet. Yikes.

Had a good Thanksgiving yesterday since hubby worked Thursday, followed the two bite rule, with the exception of turkey which I get 6 ounces of...

I even made a veggie casserole, which turned out pretty decently since it was my virgin voyage into that cooking genre. I used acorn squash among a bevy of other veggies that I can stand. The squash ended up with a nice consistency and tasted almost like sweet potatoes, and it took on the flavor of what was around it. I was very pleasantly surprised.

And the cup of asiago cheese holding it all together didn't hurt. ;-) Again, I only was allowed two bites so it all worked out and the scale was on my side again today.

Also, got some tasty mild green tea that I have been drinking like water. It's been nice since our weather has been a bit chilly the past couple of days. Also got some holiday gingerbread tea today at Whore Foods-does anyone else have any yummy calorie free teas that they are fond of?

Hope the holiday weekend is treating you all well!

Paying it Forward like Gandhi

2010-11-25T18:28:00.000-08:00

I watched the Biggest Loser "where are they now?" special the other night, and found one thing VERY interesting...

All these former contestants are very involved in health movements, prevention of childhood obesity, diabetes, etc...and whether or not they are really in it for the paycheck I don't know since I don't read minds, unfortunately, and am not closely acquainted with any of them.

However, one thing that was repeatedly mentioned was that these noble skinny folk wanted to "pay it forward", and were therefore doing their part to help others as they had been helped.

I have mentioned before that weight loss is a team sport in which every other team member stands on the sidelines to cheer as I/you compete alone. And I know all too well that this is not a game, and it is certainly not fun.

But by doing our part to help ourselves, while not on a national stage on TV, are we in part helping others to become better themselves? Is just the action of what we do for ourselves creating a circle of change around us?

My husband, while skinny, had never really been fit before I started riding his ass about him needing to change and exercise so he could wipe the drool from my wrinkled old mouth in 50 years. Now he does his workouts himself, without his nagging wife following him with the cattle prod.

And he likes himself a whole lot more, the way his body is changing, the way he knows he can beat the crap out of his brothers if he wants to, the way he can give me free tickets to the gun show any time he wants. He eats better, has more energy, doesn't fall asleep on the chair all the time.

My mother, after crying wolf for years and telling me she is going to lose 15-20 pounds and get rid of her gut, is FINALLY using the elliptical my Dad bought, and the reclining bike we gave her. Coincidence that this finally happens when I am losing weight?? I think not.

So though I am not hosting 5K races, or talking to large rooms of people on the edge of their seats, maybe just my day in and day out struggle is making a difference for others, too. Maybe not, maybe I am imagining it all, but I am the first person to admit that I am not a superstar, and have longed to fly under the radar since I became fat some years ago.

But on this day of giving thanks, I certainly am not thankful for my motivation for this diet, losing my boy. I am not thankful that I eat boring shit day in and out, that pooping regularly is a struggle, that I drink so much water that I am in a constant state of bloat. I hate this diet, I hate having to lose weight, I hate P90X and the giant elliptical beast in the middle of my living room.

But do I love my husband and my mom enough to power through this shit storm? You bet the cellulite on my ass I do, and so this day I am thankful for being loved enough to effect a positive change in others no matter what I have to do to myself to cause the change.

So today I will 'be the change I wish to see in the world'. That Gandhi was one smart dude.

Hot 100 update:
1. Gained a pound last week somehow
2. Have a week with a loss
3. No days eating over 2000 calories

Dumbfounded or just plain ol' Dumb

2010-11-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

I told you all a week and a half ago that I lost four pounds. So last week I was determined to repeat that performance or at least come close with my typical 3 pound loss...

Since I write down all my food/water intake and exercise output, I repeated what I did-EXACTLY. Except...

TMI alert-I had not done #2 in three days prior to my weigh in, and I got my period for the first time in three months the day prior to weigh in.

So the scale on Saturday said...up 1 pound. Pissed isn't even the word to describe how I STILL feel.

I feel like my body cheated me. I burn 500-1000 calories a day EVERYDAY in workouts. I eat like a friggin rabbit consuming 1000-1200 calories max EVERYDAY. I drink at least 100 ounces of water EVERYDAY. I haven't eaten processed food in God knows how long. I have consumed minimal sodium for 14 weeks. This all has been constant for 14 weeks and a total loss of 45 pounds. SO...what is the GD problem????

Everyone says that weight loss is a team sport in terms of having outside support helps you succeed more, but when it comes down to it, only I can actually do what's necessary to lose the weight. It's all under my control alone. BUT...

If I do everything in my literal power to lose weight, follow the rules, DON"T CHEAT, bust my ass, and still have a GAIN, WTF is wrong with this picture? How much control do we really have over weight loss after we do our best??? NOTHING. Sometimes numbers don't add up-my last week was a prime example and this is not cool at all.

This past weekend after weigh-in was the first time I have seriously considered scrapping it all-dieting is EXPENSIVE and I am not eating this boring shit for fun-so if the hard work doesn't pay off then what is the point? The sense of helplessness and inadequacy and impotency was overwhelming. Don't even tell me 'it's only one week' or 'it's only a pound'.

See-there is no excuse-there was no extra 14000 calories-by calorie and exercise calculations I should have lost at least 3 pounds last week. So in essence I gained FOUR! How the fuck did that happen???? Unless I have started sleep walking down to the 7-eleven to sleep-eat bags of candy in the middle of the night, this is impossible-but it HAPPENED so said two different scales.

Unacceptable. This is bullshit. Fuck mother nature and this GD diet. I need chocolate.

Natural Makeover and eBay

2010-11-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

I have been dabbling with the idea of switching my hair coloring routine to be chemical free-don't need all those nasty toxins that close to my brain anymore...so I have been thinking about using henna/indigo.

But it honestly sounds way to complicated for my pay grade. Plus, if I ever want to go blonde again it would require shaving my head and growing a new mop of hair first...

BUT...you know me-I'm all about what is complicated. I don't like drama, but I do like a challenge.

Secondly, I have been tossing around the idea of selling off a bunch of my larger clothes on eBay. BUT...last time I gave them away after losing weight, I gained it back and had to buy new duds.

Also, I worry about when/if I ever decide to replicate my DNA and spawn a little devil child who will no doubt bring upon me twice the pain I inflicted on my parents. However, I digress...point is these larger sizes would be perfect for maternity wear.

Part of me wonders if in fact I'm scared of getting rid of these clothes, or am making excuses for a future weight loss relapse already. I don't want to go back to those sizes, so...I stew and my brain races.

But the money-ah the money would be perfect this time of year!

For my hot 100 update this week, here is my recap:

1. lost four pounds last week-hell yeah for that-it's the shrimp burgers! and P90x of course ;-)

2. Still a loss every week, hopefully I can say the same after Turkey Day next week

3. Still less than 2K calories a day-not a problem staying within that goal yet

Hope you all are having a HOT week, too!

Smaller Fun Pants!!!

2010-11-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

This is a two-fold shout-out to my recovering pal, Smaller Fun Pants, who is down but not out-get well soon chica!

Secondly, this is a shout out to the smaller fun pants that covered my bodacious booty today!!! Size 12's people!!! There were two pairs of 12's that fit, so that is pretty dang cool. Not as loose as I would like to require a belt, but not impairing breathing while sitting or leaving red marks on my tum tums either.

So when the rest of my 12's fit, which are my supa dupa Paige Premium's, I will be flying high. I'm guestimating by this weekend as they run smaller as a brand.

Hope you all are having a 'Good Monday'-they are few and far between for me-so I will take what I can get! AND the boss is out of town until Wednesday!!! Thank God for small favors.

Avoiding the holidays=avoiding the family

2010-11-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

So I know that my husband has been wanting to go home for Christmas-this has been apparent, but he won't push it because tickets are expensive.

And I really do like his family, so when I say that I REALLY do not want to go back there, it is not personal.

In fact, it is all my issue. See, I have to hold my breath through the pastry/cookie/pie section in the g-store, but I cannot hold my breath for days at a time.

In fact, my MIL is an excellent baker. And she bakes EVERYTHING for Christmas, including her signature cookies with Reeses cups in the center-my arch nemesis.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to get away from the cookies etc, and I do realize that I do not have to put anything in my mouth...BUT...

Have you ever been around that much baked goods? Does your mouth salivate at their appearance? Does your stomach growl around the goods? 'Cause I know mine does.

And do I really want to spend four days in a state of horrible hunger?

Also, do I want to answer the questions as to how/why/when etc I lost 44.5 pounds? I am not sure I am ready to break out my Medifast blender, crappy shakes, and tiny granola bars in front of anyone but hubby-yet. Also, I would have to cook for myself every night, as I am so sure that nothing, especially MIL's cheesy potatoes, would be within the plan.

So at what point does my selfishness to prolong my weight loss become the bad selfish where I keep hubby from his family. And, no-he refuses to go alone.

Does anyone else find that they have the intense desire to hermit themselves on their couches through the holidays??

BTW-lost four pounds this week, so obviously those annoying P90X bitches (girls AND guys) know what they are talking about...

Hotel California

2010-11-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

The more I travel along this weight loss highway, the more I realize that my relationship with food is 'addictive'.

I already knew I was addicted to hot spicy foods, because of the capsacin that peppery stuff has releases endorphins. I learned this through science.

But realizing once and for all that I am a recovering addict came when driving to work listening to the radio.

The Eagles' 'Hotel California' came on...knowing that I am a smart cookie, I finally realized after listening to this song for about the thousandth time that it is about addiction-specifically cocaine.

While I thank God that my addiction is to food and not a narcotic-the words sung true with me..."we are all just prisoners here, of our own device".

Seriously relevant-"you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave". Like the majority of addicts, I know that one day I may, too, relapse. Or maybe my past few fat years have been my relapse...

Regardless I'm not sure I will ever lose that addict mentality, and will always have to watch myself around food. Maybe that is the difference between being 'just' a few pounds overweight and being an 'up at dawn, dreaming about food, planning my next snack all day long' obese person.

Maybe recognizing that I am this recovering addict will make me more careful, and be aware of my vulnerability around food. Maybe a healthy fear is even useful... Maybe being all rough and tough willpower won't get me all the way there...I don't know, but I'm figuring more and more out as I go-even if I have to rely on a little help from my rockstar friends. ;-)

Hot 100 update for this week:

1. Lost 2 pounds this week-so happy about that since I switched up my workout to include P90X-barfy mc barferton BUT my muscles are visible again.
2. Still no week without a loss-and past one big sugary holiday!
3. Still have not spent a day over 2000 calories-most days I hover just under 1000...

Shrimp Burgers and other Awesomeness

2010-11-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

I was REALLY happy last weekend when I spied some unbreaded shrimp burgers at the seafood counter in Whore Foods.

I was even more psyched when they turned out to be REALLY good-and around 60 calories/patty it is a tough meal to beat-like 93% protein! And it filled me up...no I am not paid to advertise them-I'm just sharing the shrimpy love with my peeps.

To top it I made some remoulade-ff Miracle Whip, mustard, whostershire sauce, hot sauce, lemon, cayenne pepper-Voila!

Also-in spite of my horrible muscle pain from P90X, I have to admit that I luuuurve it. Makes me feel strong and less jiggly. Once I get over this muscle pain completely it will be even better...and once I am able to bend my knees to sit on the toilet, my world will be complete.

Plus I read that most people burn between 550-750 calories during each DVD, which is impressive since I for one do not get out of breath or feel ragged other than feeling weak in the muscles. I think that was why I thought I wasn't burning enough and did the elliptical, too.

I still do the ellipitcal in place of the short Cardio DVD on specified 'cardio' days, but the longer muscle group workouts are really great. And of course after doing the Legs and Back DVD I cannot lift my leg let alone step up onto the elliptical anyway.

Also, the boss will be out of town next week, so that is nice. The place is just cheerier when he is away-moral goes way up, and we get alot done without him looking over our shoulders. If he took his head out of his ass long enough to realize this maybe he would bug us alot less often.

Anyway-hope you are all doing well, I plan to catch up on blogs more later since my grant is done-can't wait to see what you are all up to!

I'll take those 2 pounds and raise ya...

2010-11-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

So have I ever told you all about my archaic scale in our rental house-it is actually built into the bathroom wall, and I'm sure has been around as long as the house-the 1950s...

A few weeks back I got sick of not knowing exactly what I weight. Why I thought a 50+ year old scale would ever be accurate, I have no idea. Nevertheless, I noticed that my crappy old scale was pretty close to matching what would appear each Saturday on the fancy Medifast digital scale.

You all know I, against my better judgement, started P90X this week. To say I am in a constant state of soreness is an understatement. Trying to sit down on the toilet has never been such a monumental task! Oh to have a penis and pee standing. You have no idea.

Regardless I like the changes I am seeing in my body this week. I feel stronger, more compact, even if I feel like I have no control over my legs and am walking like a thorny stick is embedded in my colon. Who cares?!?! Beauty is not supposed to be painfree, right? HA!

But one thing that was worrying me, even though I still did three days of elliptical in addition to my P90X workouts, is the scale. Especially since my dinosaur of a scale kept saying that I had not lost a pound. Seriously??? All that pain for no loss? Ugh. So this whole week I have been DREADING the weigh in.

And when the time came, I thought skinny thoughts, and what do you know? I lost two pounds in spite of my strength training regimen. My counselor said 'your not doing weights are you?' and I said innocently 'oh, no'. And I really don't do too much with the free weights, so I think I'll continue it that way. IN addition to that, my BMI is down to 30.8-sooooo close to the 20's! Yipee!

Needless to say, there was no bitching by me about my 'meager' loss this week-I was definitely happy. Hope your week is freaking fantastic, too!!!