Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Fat Ghost

Hi everyone, hope you have all been happy, healthy...

I have continued trying to figure out the chronic abdominal ache, but it still aches, and still no answers.  Frustrating, but honestly I don't have time to figure out this crap anymore.

I figure I am not growing a tumor baby or have some horrible blood disease, as the bloodwork and ultrasound were 'normal', as I think I mentioned, so I need to move on.

Until my faith in modern medicine is restored somehow, I don't think I will pursue other specialists in this matter.

Onto another matter though...I have been debating about this for some time, and I am sure many of you have mentioned this yourselves, but have you received answers?  Come to some resolution yourself?

Upon my weigh in yesterday, the substitute counselor asked me how much thinner I want to get...  Right now I am 165 pounds...fitting into all my size 10's and size 8's, and a few 6's.

Honestly I would like to get down 20 more pounds.  I would like to fit into at least 50% of every size 6 I try on.

Greedy?  Yes, I am.  At this point, there is no concern for fat-related health issues, just mind-body issues.  "Just" is an odd term, because my mind-body issues have probably effected my many other issues for years.  I am sure I am not alone in this issue.

Fact is, that I still feel fat.  I still turn to see my incidental reflection in passing a store window and think either "wow who is that?" or "jeez am I that thin?"  I ask my husband (ad nauseum) if I am thinner than strangers, in order to try to get a handle on how I really look.

And most of the time he looks at me like I am crazy and says "yes, by alot".

I have even seen pictures of myself, then and now, and realize there is a huge difference, but somehow all of this is forgotten when I look in the mirror and still feel fat, consider myself a "fat girl", feel like I need to lose another 20 pounds to be thin.

I call it the "fat ghost" haunting me, but maybe this is the mindset of anorexics?  Maybe this is why my weight loss counselor thinks I should start my stabilization phase now rather than in four pounds like we originally intended?

I know in the end, I am the one who must be happy with my weight loss, I must be the one to deem it finished.  But if my perception is so warped that I keep thinking "just five more pounds and I'll feel thin", then how do I really break that cycle?

Has anyone who has lost most of their weight lost the fat ghost, or do you still feel like you have far to go-maybe unrealistically?  Is there anyway for us ourselves to exorcise the fat ghost, or is external help, possibly psychiatric in nature, required?

Question is, are we ever happy with ourselves, I mean genuinely 100% content?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Resolving Issues-Maybe??

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and checking in on me...and to Jennifer for reminding me I hadn't followed up...

So they took blood last week, and I had a very scary ultrasound where she took it seemed at least 50 pics of my liver...

Blood work was normal apparently...

Then the nurse practitioner (since I went to student health services), said she would be out of town until Monday so I wouldn't know what the radiologist said about my US until then.

Umm, excuse me??  So I said to myself that if it turns out that I am dying I am going to sue their asses off for making me wait over the weekend to hear about it.

Good news and bad news, good news is that my US was normal, bad news is that they have no idea what is causing my chronic ache.

Lovely.  I know that no news is good news, but maybe a little news would have been nice??

I am happy that my liver is not growing a baby-sized tumor and that my pancreas hasn't withered away, or anything equally horrible, but now what?

So that is where I now stand...coupled with some AWESOME gas pains to challenge my mystery ache and cramping uterus for attention.

Hope you are all doing really well and enjoying the start of spring?!