Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Fat Ghost

Hi everyone, hope you have all been happy, healthy...

I have continued trying to figure out the chronic abdominal ache, but it still aches, and still no answers.  Frustrating, but honestly I don't have time to figure out this crap anymore.

I figure I am not growing a tumor baby or have some horrible blood disease, as the bloodwork and ultrasound were 'normal', as I think I mentioned, so I need to move on.

Until my faith in modern medicine is restored somehow, I don't think I will pursue other specialists in this matter.

Onto another matter though...I have been debating about this for some time, and I am sure many of you have mentioned this yourselves, but have you received answers?  Come to some resolution yourself?

Upon my weigh in yesterday, the substitute counselor asked me how much thinner I want to get...  Right now I am 165 pounds...fitting into all my size 10's and size 8's, and a few 6's.

Honestly I would like to get down 20 more pounds.  I would like to fit into at least 50% of every size 6 I try on.

Greedy?  Yes, I am.  At this point, there is no concern for fat-related health issues, just mind-body issues.  "Just" is an odd term, because my mind-body issues have probably effected my many other issues for years.  I am sure I am not alone in this issue.

Fact is, that I still feel fat.  I still turn to see my incidental reflection in passing a store window and think either "wow who is that?" or "jeez am I that thin?"  I ask my husband (ad nauseum) if I am thinner than strangers, in order to try to get a handle on how I really look.

And most of the time he looks at me like I am crazy and says "yes, by alot".

I have even seen pictures of myself, then and now, and realize there is a huge difference, but somehow all of this is forgotten when I look in the mirror and still feel fat, consider myself a "fat girl", feel like I need to lose another 20 pounds to be thin.

I call it the "fat ghost" haunting me, but maybe this is the mindset of anorexics?  Maybe this is why my weight loss counselor thinks I should start my stabilization phase now rather than in four pounds like we originally intended?

I know in the end, I am the one who must be happy with my weight loss, I must be the one to deem it finished.  But if my perception is so warped that I keep thinking "just five more pounds and I'll feel thin", then how do I really break that cycle?

Has anyone who has lost most of their weight lost the fat ghost, or do you still feel like you have far to go-maybe unrealistically?  Is there anyway for us ourselves to exorcise the fat ghost, or is external help, possibly psychiatric in nature, required?

Question is, are we ever happy with ourselves, I mean genuinely 100% content?


Sarah said...

Glad to see a post from you! Sorry that you are still have belly issues.

In response to your question; I think that no one is genuinely 100% content with the way they look or think they look. I think we need to look at things from a health stand point instead of a physical appearance standpoint. I often think the same things that you mentioned above. I wonder if I will keep wanting to lose or I will be able to maintain when I reach my healthy weight goal. Anyway, all of this is much easier said than done.


Dawn said...

I'm sorry - I'm so far away from being there, I'm not much help. In my past I always wanted to be a size 14(uk) but when got there, once, the only time I ever got there... I wanted to be a 12. This time I am planning to get to a 14 and then maintain that for a few months before deciding whether the 12 is reasonable, realistic and achievable. I think its wise, not to try to go too low but review my decision when I'm there

Christie said...

Definitely missed you and glad to see you posting! I think this whole dern thing is a huge struggle. I think the kicker is that even the most beautiful, fit, intelligent, full of personality human has something they don't like about themselves and convinces themselves that they would be happier if they only....(insert desrire here). I think it helps to write down what you want and why. When you get there, if you're still not happy with who you are then you can look at that and reflect. (It's an idea, anyway...lol)

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I know what you mean. I need to lose another 22-25 pounds. I think I look okay most days, but my damn belly is still there! I will be interested to see how I feel when I do lose the last of my weight.

Ash said...

It's nice to see you back. =) I'm sorry you're still having stomach issues - I hope that somehow, they are resolved soon.

As for the 100% happy and the '5 more pounds' thing.. I don't know. I'm afraid of the 'Fat Ghost'. I can see my progress clearly, and I can feel it, but I often wonder if I'll feel as if I'm good enough when I get down that far.

I think, perhaps, maintain for a month or so, and see how you feel? Do a bit of a happy medium. In the end, though, it's really how you feel and when you think you're done. =)

Again - glad you're back!

Michele said...

Glad you are back. Sorry there are as of yet no answers.

I am sure lots of folks will weigh in on that fat ghost. Think about how long you were in the obese category and how long you have been in the normal category. Not long, eh? It takes a while for our psyche to adjust to our new body image. I think it is a normal part of making the amazing transformation from obese to thin. Everytime you see yourself in a mirror your brain resets your new image. It is going to take awhile. Ghost or no ghost; it takes a while to adjust to such an amazing and positive change.

Lastly, good for you for being so determined to be a a "normal" size. Once again, glad you are back. Hope you stay around. Michele

Anonymous said...

I wonder if, when I get to goal weight, will I still think I'm fat? I think I will because of how engrained it is in me. I've identified with fat my whole life...I think it will be hard to lose that identity. Good Luck getting rid of your fat ghosts, and I hope you get to feeling better!

Docs are quacks.


Anonymous said...

I wonder if, when I get to goal weight, will I still think I'm fat? I think I will because of how engrained it is in me. I've identified with fat my whole life...I think it will be hard to lose that identity. Good Luck getting rid of your fat ghosts, and I hope you get to feeling better!

Docs are quacks.


The Ninja said...

I think my fat ghost has to do with clothing. I don't feel fat, but I never really did. I do however head straight to the plus size section of every store I go into, I'm usually there for awhile before I remember that I wear a size 12 now and don't need to be in the plus section.

I'm not in this to lose a set number of pounds, I set a goal, but it was arbitrary, I really just wanted to change my life to make it better, and I feel like I've done that.

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

This is way common, I believe! It's changing our perception of ourself. For me, it has a lot to do with how I talk to myself... trying to switch to the positive self talk. It takes practice! But what a fun thing to practice, don't ya think? :)


Jennifer said...

I can totally relate to this post. I have had lots of times when I still feel obese even though I am not anymore. I still ask my husband how I compare to other people and get probably the same reaction that you do...hehe. It does get better but it is definately a work in progress. I still am surprised when I walk past a mirror and see the new me. Its been over a year since I started my journey. I have maintained around 165 lbs for a while now. Do I want the rest off? Yup. But my body seems to have adjusted to this new weight as the new me. Which is nice. I will get the rest off when i am good and ready.

I think you are doing great. And I envy your response to your medical situation. I havent let mine rest and moved on, although I think that is the point I am at now(after 5 CT scans and an MRI). So good for you. You are doing awesome.


MB said...

I don't think many people are 100% happy but I think the best thing is not to beat yourself up over things we can't change. I'll never be tall or skinny but I'm ok with that. Just work with accepting who you are. I've lost over 80 pounds and I'm close to reaching my weight loss goal but I sometimes look in the mirror and only see the flaws and how far I still have to go. It's definitely a mental game. Hang in there.

Auntie Mandy said...

Hi! Miss me? I have missed you! I had bloodwork done last month and finally got the results yesterday. I am recommending that everyone I know have a comprehensive food panel done (IgG). You never know what you might be eating that is really causing the problems. I just found out I am highly allergic to coffee. Who knew?

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Miss your posts and hope you are doing all right these days.
I'm just getting in on this comment late obviously, however I still haven't lost that ghost you refer to. Sometimes I have to remind myself that am allowed to 'ease up' once in a while. Very difficult to do, even after all these years, though.
On another issue, I'm going to be bringing home a puppy mill 4 year old female golden and am a little nervous on what to expect. I wondered if you had any experience with these types of dogs.
Take care :)

Julie said...

Oh where or where has Polar's mom gone, or where or where can she be? I'm really getting worried my friend. I keep stopping by but you're not here. Now I know you haven't been feeling well, is something up. Did a big wind come and pick up your skinny little body and blow it to Oz? One day, stop by and say hi, one day do what you can and tell me you're alive and well.
Take care my friend, God bless!!