Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Saturday, November 27, 2010


In spite of Mother Nature, I am finally back in Onederland.  Lost pretty decently this week and a little from last week obviously.  

Took a laxative yesterday so that helped with the bowels.  My intestine likes to hold onto poo like my thighs like to hold onto pizza.  I shudder to think that my life is beginning to revolve around bowel movements, and I'm not even 80 years old yet.  Yikes.

Had a good Thanksgiving yesterday since hubby worked Thursday, followed the two bite rule, with the exception of turkey which I get 6 ounces of...

I even made a veggie casserole, which turned out pretty decently since it was my virgin voyage into that cooking genre.  I used acorn squash among a bevy of other veggies that I can stand.  The squash ended up with a nice consistency and tasted almost like sweet potatoes, and it took on the flavor of what was around it.  I was very pleasantly surprised.

And the cup of asiago cheese holding it all together didn't hurt. ;-)  Again, I only was allowed two bites so it all worked out and the scale was on my side again today.

Also, got some tasty mild green tea that I have been drinking like water.  It's been nice since our weather has been a bit chilly the past couple of days.  Also got some holiday gingerbread tea today at Whore Foods-does anyone else have any yummy calorie free teas that they are fond of?

Hope the holiday weekend is treating you all well!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Paying it Forward like Gandhi

I watched the Biggest Loser "where are they now?" special the other night, and found one thing VERY interesting...

All these former contestants are very involved in health movements, prevention of childhood obesity, diabetes, etc...and whether or not they are really in it for the paycheck I don't know since I don't read minds, unfortunately, and am not closely acquainted with any of them. 

However, one thing that was repeatedly mentioned was that these noble skinny folk wanted to "pay it forward", and were therefore doing their part to help others as they had been helped.

I have mentioned before that weight loss is a team sport in which every other team member stands on the sidelines to cheer as I/you compete alone.  And I know all too well that this is not a game, and it is certainly not fun.

But by doing our part to help ourselves, while not on a national stage on TV, are we in part helping others to become better themselves?  Is just the action of what we do for ourselves creating a circle of change around us?

My husband, while skinny, had never really been fit before I started riding his ass about him needing to change and exercise so he could wipe the drool from my wrinkled old mouth in 50 years.  Now he does his workouts himself, without his nagging wife following him with the cattle prod.

And he likes himself a whole lot more, the way his body is changing, the way he knows he can beat the crap out of his brothers if he wants to, the way he can give me free tickets to the gun show any time he wants.  He eats better, has more energy, doesn't fall asleep on the chair all the time.

My mother, after crying wolf for years and telling me she is going to lose 15-20 pounds and get rid of her gut, is FINALLY using the elliptical my Dad bought, and the reclining bike we gave her.  Coincidence that this finally happens when I am losing weight??  I think not.

So though I am not hosting 5K races, or talking to large rooms of people on the edge of their seats, maybe just my day in and day out struggle is making a difference for others, too.  Maybe not, maybe I am imagining it all, but I am the first person to admit that I am not a superstar, and have longed to fly under the radar since I became fat some years ago.

But on this day of giving thanks, I certainly am not thankful for my motivation for this diet, losing my boy.  I am not thankful that I eat boring shit day in and out, that pooping regularly is a struggle, that I drink so much water that I am in a constant state of bloat.  I hate this diet, I hate having to lose weight, I hate P90X and the giant elliptical beast in the middle of my living room.

But do I love my husband and my mom enough to power through this shit storm?  You bet the cellulite on my ass I do, and so this day I am thankful for being loved enough to effect a positive change in others no matter what I have to do to myself to cause the change.

So today I will 'be the change I wish to see in the world'.  That Gandhi was one smart dude.

Hot 100 update:
1. Gained a pound last week somehow
2. Have a week with a loss
3.  No days eating over 2000 calories

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dumbfounded or just plain ol' Dumb

I told you all a week and a half ago that I lost four pounds.  So last week I was determined to repeat that performance or at least come close with my typical 3 pound loss...

Since I write down all my food/water intake and exercise output, I repeated what I did-EXACTLY.  Except...

TMI alert-I had not done #2 in three days prior to my weigh in, and I got my period for the first time in three months the day prior to weigh in.

So the scale on Saturday said...up 1 pound.  Pissed isn't even the word to describe how I STILL feel.

I feel like my body cheated me.  I burn 500-1000 calories a day EVERYDAY in workouts.  I eat like a friggin rabbit consuming 1000-1200 calories max EVERYDAY.  I drink at least 100 ounces of water EVERYDAY.  I haven't eaten processed food in God knows how long.  I have consumed minimal sodium for 14 weeks.  This all has been constant for 14 weeks and a total loss of 45 pounds.  SO...what is the GD problem????

Everyone says that weight loss is a team sport in terms of having outside support helps you succeed more, but when it comes down to it, only I can actually do what's necessary to lose the weight.  It's all under my control alone.  BUT...

If I do everything in my literal power to lose weight, follow the rules, DON"T CHEAT, bust my ass, and still have a GAIN, WTF is wrong with this picture?  How much control do we really have over weight loss after we do our best???  NOTHING. Sometimes numbers don't add up-my last week was a prime example and this is not cool at all. 

This past weekend after weigh-in was the first time I have seriously considered scrapping it all-dieting is EXPENSIVE and I am not eating this boring shit for fun-so if the hard work doesn't pay off then what is the point?  The sense of helplessness and inadequacy and impotency was overwhelming.  Don't even tell me 'it's only one week' or 'it's only a pound'.  

See-there is no excuse-there was no extra 14000 calories-by calorie and exercise calculations I should have lost at least 3 pounds last week. So in essence I gained FOUR!  How the fuck did that happen????  Unless I have started sleep walking down to the 7-eleven to sleep-eat bags of candy in the middle of the night, this is impossible-but it HAPPENED so said two different scales.

Unacceptable.  This is bullshit.  Fuck mother nature and this GD diet.  I need chocolate.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Natural Makeover and eBay

I have been dabbling with the idea of switching my hair coloring routine to be chemical free-don't need all those nasty toxins that close to my brain anymore...so I have been thinking about using henna/indigo.

But it honestly sounds way to complicated for my pay grade.  Plus, if I ever want to go blonde again it would require shaving my head and growing a new mop of hair first...

BUT...you know me-I'm all about what is complicated.  I don't like drama, but I do like a challenge.

Secondly, I have been tossing around the idea of selling off a bunch of my larger clothes on eBay.  BUT...last time I gave them away after losing weight, I gained it back and had to buy new duds.

Also, I worry about when/if I ever decide to replicate my DNA and spawn a little devil child who will no doubt bring upon me twice the pain I inflicted on my parents.  However, I digress...point is these larger sizes would be perfect for maternity wear.

Part of me wonders if in fact I'm scared of getting rid of these clothes, or am making excuses for a future weight loss relapse already.  I don't want to go back to those sizes, so...I stew and my brain races.

But the money-ah the money would be perfect this time of year!

For my hot 100 update this week, here is my recap:
1.  lost four pounds last week-hell yeah for that-it's the shrimp burgers! and P90x of course ;-)
2.  Still a loss every week, hopefully I can say the same after Turkey Day next week
3.  Still less than 2K calories a day-not a problem staying within that goal yet

Hope you all are having a HOT week, too!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Smaller Fun Pants!!!

This is a two-fold shout-out to my recovering pal, Smaller Fun Pants, who is down but not out-get well soon chica!

Secondly, this is a shout out to the smaller fun pants that covered my bodacious booty today!!!  Size 12's people!!!  There were two pairs of 12's that fit, so that is pretty dang cool.  Not as loose as I would like to require a belt, but not impairing breathing while sitting or leaving red marks on my tum tums either.

So when the rest of my 12's fit, which are my supa dupa Paige Premium's, I will be flying high.  I'm guestimating by this weekend as they run smaller as a brand.

Hope you all are having a 'Good Monday'-they are few and far between for me-so I will take what I can get!  AND the boss is out of town until Wednesday!!!  Thank God for small favors.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Avoiding the holidays=avoiding the family

So I know that my husband has been wanting to go home for Christmas-this has been apparent, but he won't push it because tickets are expensive.

And I really do like his family, so when I say that I REALLY do not want to go back there, it is not personal.

In fact, it is all my issue.  See, I have to hold my breath through the pastry/cookie/pie section in the g-store, but I cannot hold my breath for days at a time.

In fact, my MIL is an excellent baker.  And she bakes EVERYTHING for Christmas, including her signature cookies with Reeses cups in the center-my arch nemesis.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to get away from the cookies etc, and I do realize that I do not have to put anything in my mouth...BUT...

Have you ever been around that much baked goods?  Does your mouth salivate at their appearance?  Does your stomach growl around the goods?  'Cause I know mine does.

And do I really want to spend four days in a state of horrible hunger?

Also, do I want to answer the questions as to how/why/when etc I lost 44.5 pounds?  I am not sure I am ready to break out my Medifast blender, crappy shakes, and tiny granola bars in front of anyone but hubby-yet.  Also, I would have to cook for myself every night, as I am so sure that nothing, especially MIL's cheesy potatoes, would be within the plan.

So at what point does my selfishness to prolong my weight loss become the bad selfish where I keep hubby from his family.  And, no-he refuses to go alone.

Does anyone else find that they have the intense desire to hermit themselves on their couches through the holidays??

BTW-lost four pounds this week, so obviously those annoying P90X bitches (girls AND guys) know what they are talking about...

Friday, November 12, 2010

Hotel California

The more I travel along this weight loss highway, the more I realize that my relationship with food is 'addictive'.

I already knew I was addicted to hot spicy foods, because of the capsacin that peppery stuff has releases endorphins.  I learned this through science.

But realizing once and for all that I am a recovering addict came when driving to work listening to the radio.

The Eagles' 'Hotel California' came on...knowing that I am a smart cookie, I finally realized after listening to this song for about the thousandth time that it is about addiction-specifically cocaine.

While I thank God that my addiction is to food and not a narcotic-the words sung true with me..."we are all just prisoners here, of our own device".

Seriously relevant-"you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave".  Like the majority of addicts, I know that one day I may, too, relapse.  Or maybe my past few fat years have been my relapse... 

Regardless I'm not sure I will ever lose that addict mentality, and will always have to watch myself around food.  Maybe that is the difference between being 'just' a few pounds overweight and being an 'up at dawn, dreaming about food, planning my next snack all day long' obese person.

Maybe recognizing that I am this recovering addict will make me more careful, and be aware of my vulnerability around food.  Maybe a healthy fear is even useful...  Maybe being all rough and tough willpower won't get me all the way there...I don't know, but I'm figuring more and more out as I go-even if I have to rely on a little help from my rockstar friends. ;-)

Hot 100 update for this week:

1.  Lost 2 pounds this week-so happy about that since I switched up my workout to include P90X-barfy mc barferton BUT my muscles are visible again.
2.  Still no week without a loss-and past one big sugary holiday!
3.  Still have not spent a day over 2000 calories-most days I hover just under 1000...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Shrimp Burgers and other Awesomeness

I was REALLY happy last weekend when I spied some unbreaded shrimp burgers at the seafood counter in Whore Foods.

I was even more psyched when they turned out to be REALLY good-and around 60 calories/patty it is a tough meal to beat-like 93% protein!  And it filled me up...no I am not paid to advertise them-I'm just sharing the shrimpy love with my peeps.

To top it I made some remoulade-ff Miracle Whip, mustard, whostershire sauce, hot sauce, lemon, cayenne pepper-Voila!

Also-in spite of my horrible muscle pain from P90X, I have to admit that I luuuurve it.  Makes me feel strong and less jiggly.  Once I get over this muscle pain completely it will be even better...and once I am able to bend my knees to sit on the toilet, my world will be complete.

Plus I read that most people burn between 550-750 calories during each DVD, which is impressive since I for one do not get out of breath or feel ragged other than feeling weak in the muscles.  I think that was why I thought I wasn't burning enough and did the elliptical, too.

I still do the ellipitcal in place of the short Cardio DVD on specified 'cardio' days, but the longer muscle group workouts are really great.  And of course after doing the Legs and Back DVD I cannot lift my leg let alone step up onto the elliptical anyway.

Also, the boss will be out of town next week, so that is nice.  The place is just cheerier when he is away-moral goes way up, and we get alot done without him looking over our shoulders.  If he took his head out of his ass long enough to realize this maybe he would bug us alot less often.

Anyway-hope you are all doing well, I plan to catch up on blogs more later since my grant is done-can't wait to see what you are all up to!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I'll take those 2 pounds and raise ya...

So have I ever told you all about my archaic scale in our rental house-it is actually built into the bathroom wall, and I'm sure has been around as long as the house-the 1950s...

A few weeks back I got sick of not knowing exactly what I weight.  Why I thought a 50+ year old scale would ever be accurate, I have no idea.  Nevertheless, I noticed that my crappy old scale was pretty close to matching what would appear each Saturday on the fancy Medifast digital scale.

You all know I, against my better judgement, started P90X this week.  To say I am in a constant state of soreness is an understatement.  Trying to sit down on the toilet has never been such a monumental task!  Oh to have a penis and pee standing.  You have no idea.

Regardless I like the changes I am seeing in my body this week.  I feel stronger, more compact, even if I feel like I have no control over my legs and am walking like a thorny stick is embedded in my colon.  Who cares?!?!  Beauty is not supposed to be painfree, right?  HA!

But one thing that was worrying me, even though I still did three days of elliptical in addition to my P90X workouts, is the scale.  Especially since my dinosaur of a scale kept saying that I had not lost a pound.  Seriously???  All that pain for no loss?  Ugh.  So this whole week I have been DREADING the weigh in.

And when the time came, I thought skinny thoughts, and what do you know?  I lost two pounds in spite of my strength training regimen.  My counselor said 'your not doing weights are you?' and I said innocently 'oh, no'.  And I really don't do too much with the free weights, so I think I'll continue it that way.  IN addition to that, my BMI is down to 30.8-sooooo close to the 20's!  Yipee!

Needless to say, there was no bitching by me about my 'meager' loss this week-I was definitely happy.  Hope your week is freaking fantastic, too!!!

Monday, November 1, 2010


Did you honestly think I was serious???  HILAR-ious!!

I decided on quite a horrible whim to 'bump' up my workout.
Yes, I am crazy, too-minus the frat boy arm tat.
Yes, according to Medifast, I am supposed to keep my workouts to under 30 minutes-due to my low caloric intake.  Yes, I do 30 minutes of elliptical 6 days a week. But still...you KNOW I am a glutton for punishment.

And no, Allan, I do not like to be whipped or ball-gagged in addition to putting my body through hell in workouts.  
Bethanny?!?!? ;-)
No to pinch collars, too.

So this wild hair to increase my loss came when hubby said he wanted to start some strength training again...so we bought the DVDs and gave it a whirl.
Honey??  Is that you?!?!

Hubby first did the Chest and Back workout, which he said was ALL pushups and pullups.  He managed to eek out 30 minutes of the 52 minute workout, which I think is pretty damn good considering who the hell does pull-ups outside of their 5th grade presidential fitness test anymore?
My kind of pull-ups, though a tad small for me...
I did the Core Synergistics workout, well 30 minutes of it that is-after 35 minutes on the elliptical.  Not one of my Noble mental moments, I agree.

Not only that, but I encountered two realms of hell-the 'prison push up', and the 'push up/chatarunga run' combo.  You tube the P90X versions, then try ONE, but make sure your trusty life-alert is securely around your neck... Pauli was on 911 watch...it was touch and go there for a while...

Ok, so maybe she was more like this...

So I lived, and now I must go shower as the dogs said I am stanking something awful-I believe this is the sweat of desperation(because I tried so desperately not to break anything).

Needless to say, I look forward to more P90X hell tomorrow.  Oh alright, I'll take that pinch collar now...