Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Monday, January 31, 2011

Oh the nerdy humor & Lady Gaga!!

I had to link this to my page straight away-it is such an excellent parody of science and grad student life, and the outfits are all lab materials.  You won't be disappointed to see what some lab's staff put together.  I think Lady Gaga would be proud!!

Irrational Monday

My morning started with me cursing at my shoe when I was trying to change my pants.

I believe I said, "get the fuck off my foot!!".  My husband came in and obviously couldn't contain his laughter, and asked if I was 'ok'.

I think he was fearing another 2009 Flying Hairbrush Incident, where I precisely halved my hairbrush against a wall.  Of course I still use the bristle part, and hubs never fails to remind me "cool brush, where'd you get it?".


Off to work I went, and was in a crabby mood, knowing that I would have previously appeased my foul Monday mood by promising myself some homemade nachos for dinner-of course that was 68 pounds ago.

Hubs is working lots of overtime this week since the Super Bowl is in town, so I'll be by all by myself with my carb-sucking thoughts.  So all I could think of was that the only thing waiting for me at home to soothe my bitchiness is my elliptical.  Um, yeah, not too comforting it turns out.

So at noon I had a works-in-progress to attend, and the poor guy got the brunt of my frustration and dessert desires.  I grilled him up one side and down the other.  And the fact that he couldn't answer me or defend his project pissed me off even more.  Like I said-irrational-because I had a good loss this weekend, there is no need for diet anger I guess, but STILL...

Then my Mom sent me this video, and it melted my attitude...hope it makes your day that much better, too!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

More Genetics I Can't Avoid

As many of you know, my mother took my 96 year old grandmother (her mom) into her house to live with her and my Dad four years ago now, after GM started falling.

Mom's useless Sister and Brother were nonexistent in the talk as to whom would have GM come live with them.  Suddenly they were all hiding under their desks, meanwhile when GM was handing out checks from her pension and ss funds, they were all hands up and waving in the air...

So my parents moved GM down to live in their house-they tricked out my old room with handi-railings everywhere, since GM uses a walker now, and remodeled the bathroom for handicap access to everything.

My Dad still works but my Mom stays home with GM.  She stays home 24/7, except for emergency trips to the store for GM's cravings, or to the library so GM has an endless supply of reading material.

This upsets me because my GM is not thankful, doesn't acknowledge my Mom's efforts, and continues to send Sister and Brother $1000 checks a month.  No shit.  They visit her once a year if GM is lucky.  Usually it is on her birthday, and Sis cries the whole time because she believes it is GM's last birthday.  Crocodile tears, I'm sure.  BTW, Sister is the mom of the 'cousin' in my last post when I mentioned Polar...

One thing that GM likes to do quite regularly is go up to the casino about an hour north of us.  Mom likes to gamble, too, Dad not so much, but he brings them so Mom can have some fun.

Lately though, Mom and Dad have wanted to get away ALONE to the casino for a night.  They do this every so often, every few months or so I'd say, and hubs and I stay over and watch GM like hawks.

In the past, Dad has tried to get Mom to plan trips with him for a weekend away, even a week, but Mom always cancels out.  See, apparently Mom feels like something will happen to GM when her ever-watchful eyes are on vacation.

Lately, however, Mom hasn't wanted to go to casino overnight or anywhere else overnight because she doesn't want GM to feel bad.  Mom feels GUILTY for leaving GM at home so she and Dad can get away, especially when they are going to go to the casino, because GM enjoys that, too.

And see, this is where GM should say "you guys go and have fun, I'll be well taken care of, and you deserve some time alone together".  Instead GM says whistfully "Oh, THAT should be fun.."  And of course Mom feels guilty, instantly, and she worries the whole time she is away, if she even goes away, and always comes home very early.

So we had been planning for Mom and Dad to go to casino for today, leaving early, being back around 7.  I would come over and do my hawk duties, no problem.  Mom, however, hadn't told GM as of this morning...then she decided to lie to her that she and Dad were going to stock show and rodeo instead, so that GM wouldn't feel bad about not being able to go.  But of course they are still going to casino, just without telling GM.

This bugs the hell out of me, because Mom deserves some time to have fun and hang with my Dad, without GM ringing her little bell all the time and Mom jumping up to appease her-she doesn't deserve the guilt .  

BUT, as is the case with me, too, she LETS herself feel guilty, she overlooks all the good she does when my GM focuses on a negative, and she sacrifices her own health and well being for someone who doesn't give a shit that Mom is running herself into an early grave so that GM doesn't have to lift a finger.

Now that I have made the decision to get myself healthy, Mom is feeling the pressure to do so, too.  I came over yesterday to say hi and Mom said I looked good, as she often does lately, and I said 'THANKS!  I have lost 68 pounds and am 177!'  She replied sadly, 'Oh...I am 177, too, but I'm five inches shorter than you...'  I said yes you are, I'm not going to sugar coat it but I don't want her to feel bad either...

I guess I hoped my journey might make it easier for her to motivate herself to exercise, too.  She and my Dad eat very healthy, so exercising is the issue.  I brought them my recumbent bike, and my Dad bought her a new elliptical.  I am sitting here looking at both, and while Mom doesn't let anything gather dust in the house, they both have blankets and magazines stacked on them.

My Dad has tried to get her to go on walks, and occasionally succeeds, since Mom feels GM can be left alone for very short periods only.

She says she is very busy, and GM does take up alot of her time and energy, but I know Mom sits and plays games on the computer everyday, time when she could peddle out a half hour on the bike or so 20 on the elliptical.

So how do I get her to exercise without sounding uppity and arrogant about my own loss?  I need to appeal to her somehow...she wants weight loss because she doesn't like how she looks, but I want her to lose 20 or so because I want her to be around a long time..  I realize most of us have a hard enough time getting ourselves to exercise, let alone use our scarce motivation to make someone else exercise.  So any ideas??

Friday, January 28, 2011

Regrets and Acceptance-longer post

A trend I have seen lately on many blogs is forgiving yourself your transgressions.

Of those I have many...but there are a few steadfast regrets that won't be releasing their clutches on my brain anytime soon.  I'm talking about bad things I have done.  Not like going into an interview and when asked for a negative quality about yourself you say that you work too much.  This isn't like saying I work out too much...no positive negatives here.

Do I think these regrets kept me from being skinny?  No, my own hand to mouth did that to myself.  But these things did help me hate myself beyond the crushing obesity.  And of course I self medicated those bad feelings away with food I'm sure.

So, yes, I am my own worst critic, and honestly I'm not sure I will ever love myself no matter my weight.  These regrets are the 'staring at the ceiling at 2am' kind of regrets.  Do you have frequent memories that you cannot scrub from your brain, that make it almost impossible to love yourself?

Here are mine.
1.  My Uncle Eddie.  My favorite uncle, second only to my parents in how I felt about him, and that was a close second at that.  He was a joy to everyone he met-had the kind of sense of humor that made people gravitate towards him.  Smart, witty, dry, and so caring.  I was the daughter he never had.  The last time I saw him was when he came down for my high school graduation.  They told everyone beforehand to hold clapping until the end.  So what does my crazy uncle do when I receive my diploma?  He stands up in the middle of the church and claps as loud as he can.  Did I mention he hoots and hollers, too?  He and my Aunt stayed over for my party, then went to leave the next morning back to Pennsylvania.  I heard them packing to leave, I heard them saying goodbye to my parents in the driveway, I just decided not to get out of bed to say goodbye-I was wide awake, decently dressed. Two months later he dropped dead from a heart attack in the middle of his usual workout at a Bally's gym.  I never said goodbye, thanked him for coming, gave him a hug.  I was one of over 1000 people at his funeral.
2.  Skyy.  One of my rescue dogs, a lab mix that I saved the day before her euthanasia date at a high kill Georgia shelter.  I picked her based on her picture.  She didn't disappoint, she was as sweet and gentle as can be.  When the other dogs played, she stood next to me as if to say 'look at those asses running after that tiny round thing'.  When fiance #2 and I broke up, and I had to move back to Texas, I found homes for the rest of my fosters, but knew Skyy would be ok with my ex.  While he was an ass to me, he treated the dogs pretty well.  So I left her with him.  This was a once in a lifetime dog for anyone, and she loved me the most.  And I left her.  I have tried searching for my ex, only to ask about her, I have searched in petfinder for dogs with her name.  Yes, she was just a dog, but she was MY dog, and I let her down and left her.
3.  College.  I apply for alot of grants, and I often get rejected (as is the norm with grants).  But one of the common reasons reviewers remark on is my undergraduate grades.  I often get asked about them in job interviews, too.  Something that happened over 10 years ago.  See, I was a classroom screw up.  High school was too easy for me, and I never learned how to study.  When I went to college, I figured it would be much of the same.  But this time Mom didn't shove me out of bed, so I never went to class.  I can honestly say that I went to about 20% of my classes.  I passed many by the skin of my teeth, probably because I was an athlete.  For over 10 years, this damn GPA has defined me, caused me to be stereotyped against, cost me money and jobs, brought me ridicule.  I should have gone to freaking class, I have the brains to have done well, but I slept.  I slept my life away.  Would this be such a strong regret if it didn't keep rearing it's ugly head all the damn time?  Probably not.  But it does, and every time I want to punch myself in the fucking face for blowing all that time on so little effort.
4.  Polar.  Many of you know about him, but may not know how he got hurt.  I went out of town, left him with my cousin and the dog sitter.  Turns out the cousin was hooked on prescription drugs and booze, and the dog sitter enabled her.  So they were drinking and tried to be tough and daring-and tried to cut his nails.  A 175 pound dog...they didn't think about the fact that when they tried to cut his nails and he freaked out, which they knew he would do which is why we told them just to leave him be, that this huge dog could very capably hurt himself in his fear.  So they sneaked up on the deaf and partially blind dog, tried to hold him down, and attempted to cut his nails.  He fought to get up, spun quickly, and ran head first into the wall, breaking his cervical vertebrae, damaging his spinal cord irreparably, and starting his decline towards his eventual paralysis and death 6 months later.  I hate that I left him with them.  I hate that they did what they were told not to.  Most of all, to be honest, I hate that I did not hurt them just as badly for what they did.  This regret still makes me feel violent-so much it scares me.
5.  Carol.  This was a girl I went to most of elementary school and all of high school with...she came from a really large family, was one of the middle kids, and EVERYONE liked her.  She was everything I was not-perky, petite, cute in a doll sort of way, and very popular.  This made me irrationally hate her, though she had never been anything other than nice to me and everyone else for that matter.  When we were freshman in high school, we were on the cheerleading squad, and somehow she got named one of the captains, even though I knew me and another girl had the highest tryout scores.  From then on I detested everything about cheerleading, including her.  Next year I chose to run cross country winter track rather than cheerlead.  Yes, apparently there was a time when I hated something more than running.  She came up all bouncy and shit, and nicely asked if I was going to do cheerleading again.  I said, and I quote, "Oh God NO, I have much better things to do."  As soon as I said it I felt bad, but also more powerful-I had put HER down.  And her face was stricken, not angry, but hurt-cheerleading was all she did.  This was my tipping point-from here on I held vendettas and was very 'honest' about what ugly catty bitches all the perky popular girls were.  This incident bore my mean streak.  I think about this often-especially when I matured enough to realize that the reason people liked her so much, was because she was truly a NICE person.  I knew I could never go back and readopt that persona, and I was forever the bitch I still am today.  I was never mean to anyone but those popular girls, even though I myself was popular-I was a fucking hypocrite and lord only knows how many people I discounted because they made me feel small just by being liked more than me.  From here on I was always suspect of those who seemed too perfect and were too nice to me, which probably resulted in my long string of dating total assholes. Karma is a bitch alright, but I deserved her.

So while these regrets may have kept me fat and hating myself, and while they will not go away anytime soon, losing weight this time has shed what I deemed the ugliest part of me-my fat-and this has brought out certain things that I can no longer deny about myself-strengths that I had that were buried because being fat was all I saw in the mirror.  I call these recent 'findings' acceptances.
1.  Smart.  I may have been a complete ass in college, but that GPA doesn't define me now no matter how pissed it still makes me.  I am intelligent, am a great analytical thinker, and can hang with the best nerds around.
2.  Funny.  When I was that huge bridesmaid in my best friends wedding that I told you about a while back, I remember that everything I said brought everyone to laughter.  At the time, I thought they were chucking at or sympathetically humoring me, since I had just broken up with ex #2 and was tearing the seams of my size 20 dress.  But now that I am thinner, people don't have to laugh at me anymore, and yet they still do.  Apparently I have a good sense of humor.  Who knew?  So glad I don't have to flash my boobies for attention anymore.
3.  Giving.  I have a bleeding heart for everything and everyone.  I am especially drawn to those who have less or a harder time than myself.  I like this about myself because I don't think it is something that can be taught, and I was lucky enough to get compassion and empathy in my toolbox.  Sure this could be a flaw-lord knows I have donated more money, provided more free labor, and rescued more dogs than five people should-but I like helping, and if I didn't fear the repo man, I'd give the cards out of my wallet in addition to the shirt off my back.
4.  Resourceful problem solving.  I am great under pressure, can adapt quicker than most, and have turned into the go to person when someone has a problem or dilemma.  Sure I don't get paid to be a therapist, or a problem solver, but this is worth it.  I like that I am independent and don't need anyone for anything (except housework, thanks hubs!).  I am getting to where I don't need others approval for my own self worth, too, but this is still a dependence and a work in progress.

So if you have made it down here, then tell me what your regrets and acceptances are...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Pure AWESOMENESS of Joey and Award

Please tell me you saw last night's episode of I Used to be Fat on MTV?!?!?!?

Jordan, this nice kid who had fallen on hard times since his Mom had her own addictions to deal with, weighed in at 278, and needed to be around 210 for his 6 foot 1 inch frame.

He seemed like a really nice kid, pretty mature for his 18 years, and he didn't whine all the frigging time like that other chick a couple of weeks ago.  He put in his time and got down to 205, but did I mention he reached goal in about 55 days?  Yeah 60 pounds in 55 days.

God I wish I was 18 again.

But the reason I am writing this is because of his fantabulous trainer, who I admit I was initially attracted to and repulsed by at the same time.  See, he showed up on his motocycle, but somehow he managed to present a bunch of large items to Jordan, scale, wall calendar etc, so I figured he used the motorcycle to look tough since the MTV crew obviously brought the bulky items,

He was totally tatted up, which wasn't the repulsive part, but he seemed a bit douchey, if I can be honest.  I thought he was going to be an obnoxious, frat boy little shit and that Jordan wouldn't get the leader he deserved.

Well, even I can admit when I am wrong.  Joey turned out to have a wicked dry sense of humor, and his deadpan face was HYSTERICAL.  Not to mention his 'Joey-isms'..."It's not going to be all rainbows and unicorns flying around".  He was hysterical, and turned out to be the big brother role model that Jordan needed to succeed.

When he started talking about the 'power stance' to attract women, I thought I would shit myself.  So for those who have seen the episode, I say to you 'BOOM'.  To those who haven't, TIVO it-you will be SO glad you did.  And to those in LA, this trainer is worth the money!

And I must send a super shout out to my girl Ginger, over at Gidget's Gadget for bestowing upon me the Stylish blogger award- I never get tired of these!!!  So thank you so much Ging, you are super cool!  So since I have given this out before, I will pass on the bestowing forward, but if you don't have this award, feel free to take it from the bottom of the page, because you are obviously stylish if you are reading my blog. HAHAHAHAHA
But I can write seven things you don't know about me, cause I'm a deep font of complexity people. ;-)
1.  Driving next to 18 wheelers scares the shit out of me
2.  I wear lab gloves to trim all meats and fish in my kitchen
3.  If I ever win the lottery I am going to buy either a Porsche, Mercedes, or Cadillac hardtop convertible-love those things!
4.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night scared to death that one/both of my parents are going to die soon
5.  I have a chocolate lab mix (with border collie) and have had her since puppyhood-she is 12 now, and everytime she slows down a bit more I know what's coming and that I am not ready
6.  I wish I could work off school loans like I work off pounds, but that would probably require a corner somewhere instead of an elliptical
7.  I wonder if all the sugarless gum I have chewed in my lifetime will induce in me some bizarre cancer in some years

So if you didn't get the memo-I have issues with mortality. ;-)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Until I Swallow

Get your minds out of the gutter, you filthy mc nasties!!!

I was harkened back to 'take backs' today...juvenile things, those take backs.

Take back=once you do or give something, you can take it back and negate it.

As a kid, we always said 'no take backs' especially when we had traded up for better lunch snacks.

But today, I was driving home in the car, and thought about my husband's cookies on my kitchen counter.  BTW, this happens often, my fantasizing about food items...

So I went through my typical justification for eating one or two, down to the calorie addition to my daily food input amount.

And then I decided on one cookie.  And then I felt guilty, as if I had ALREADY eaten the cookie.  I had the motivation ready and waiting to work out longer to burn off the calories, and I hadn't even SNIFFED the goods yet.

Then I thought-WHOA NELLIE.  That is so fucked up.  I had them eaten, worked off, and felt the resulting guilt, before I even got home.

Then I realized that I am not 10, I CAN do a take back.  I don't want the cookie anymore, and you know what?  Since I hadn't SWALLOWED the cookie, then I didn't have to feel all those feelings, and I could still REJECT THE COOKIE.

We are not kids anymore...how many times have you debated about food items that you probably should not eat and decided to eat them well before the item was in your mouth, and then followed through?

Fact is that we can change our minds, we can take back that decision, until we swallow.  So don't let yourself off the hook, making a decision doesn't mean following it through and consuming the demon food, you can CHANGE your mind.

So from here on out, I reserve the right for take backs.  'Cause my fantasies may not always be healthy, but they don't have to translate to me actually MAKING those unhealthy choices based on those food-gasms.  So I'm gonna take back my power of choice, hit the pause button, and REJECT THE COOKIE.

Few of my favorite things...

Someone on their blog asked 'what is your favorite healthy food at the moment'-sorry I can't give her credit because I can't remember.  Typical.

But in the spirit of Kathy Griffin, who did a good joke about Oprah on Saturday night let me tell you!  She said that when Oprah starts her Favorite Things show, all the white suburban housewives and gay men in the audience start to bleed from the eyes because they are so excited.

Yes, I laughed, because let's face it-them soccer Moms get NUTTY!

So here are my favorite things, both materialistic and healthy, at the moment...and NO, you all aren't getting one of each!!

My fav turkey pepperoni
grape tomatoes
My coach crossbody swingpack
Orange roughy-one tasty fish!
It ain't mexican-but it is close!

Does the trick when I am STARVING

Who doesn't want to know how many calories they burn while sleeping?!?!

Sure it ain't meat lovers-but it definitely is tasty-especially with jalapenos!
My Precor bitch...oh who am I kidding, we all know who the bitch really is!
My April beach vacation-Sibonne-Turks and Caicos-can't come too soon!
petfinder.org-revolutionized the rescue industry-if it can be called an industry...
My red macbook pro
Healthy spicy chili-sub in some chicken/super lean meat
The ice cream of all bottled water-delicious!
Pilot razor point extra fine pens-yes I'm a dork
Not too bitter, very nice big crunchy pickles
my dansko boots-look good, give some height, and great to walk in
I put this 0 cal lemon juice on everything-except the pizza
That's right-the best of both worlds-mustard AND tobasco
Cholula sauce-different tasting than Tobasco but also excellent on everything!
Whore Foods shrimp burgers
Rings of Dante's Inferno
Paige Premium Denim-laurel canyon bootcut-great jeans!!!
 So I hope you enjoyed this episode of My Favorite Things-spay and neuter your pets...sorry wrong TV show.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


So I almost reached my mini goal for the week, which was to get into the 170's.

But honestly, falling short never felt so good.  I was soooo hungry this week, moreso than normal, so I am glad that misery paid off.

The scale even flickered a few times to 179.5, but was dead set on 180.0.  Of course their scales only go in 0.5 pound increments, so maybe that flickering means I am 179.8.  

And if I had scared the children and made the women faint, I could have gone naked and definitely been under 180.  BUT-ugh.  Seriously, just 'ugh'. ;-)

So next week I will be an Ugly Hungry again and make it under 180.  No doubt.  Then I will be the lightest I have been since tennis days 10 years ago.

The 3.5 made me happy, as I really truly couldn't expect a 4 at this stage in the game I guess.  So that is 65 pounds GONE.  

Hope your week was totally cool and that you are all feeling great and eating well.

Hubs and I are off to see Kathy Griffin tonight...love her-she's my cursing idol. Haha

Friday, January 21, 2011

My Nerdy Tangent

I started yesterday's post on remodeling with the intent to go somewhere further, but after all my science-y explanations ran their course, I decided to stop while I was ahead.

So in an infinitely less detailed and more materialistic fashion, the flip side of my Gemini heritage will explain what I also meant about remodeling...

When I started Medifast, I told my counselor that my goal is to be a size 6...She didn't really need to know about my myriad of other reasons for doing it for good this time.

Anyway, I proceeded to say that in the past at 183 pounds I was a comfortable size 8.  Keep in mind this held true not only in college, but after another large weight loss attempt...

Therefore we set my goal at 161, since that would probably put me in a 6.

However, I weighed in last week at 183.5, but I am still in a 10.

So for me remodeling has another meaning, too, and it's not just angry fat cells.

I know I have looser skin than I used to-a 'reward' from weight loss that I can SEE in the mirror.  Maybe this will tighten up over my maintenance period as the system supporting the fat that I have lost recedes and my angry fat cells chill out.  But maybe my increasing age and decreasing connective tissue will keep me saggy.

However, for now I am a square 10 trying to fit into a round 8.

How many of you feel 'remodeled' and have realized you aren't the same size you used to be at the same weight?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Reverse Remodeling

When the heart is put under certain stresses, it adjusts its mass and chamber wall thickness to compensate for the stress.  For instance, when someone suffers a heart attack, the area of the heart tissue that has been deprived of oxygen (due to vessel blockage, etc.) dies.  
The dead area then undergoes 'remodeling', where the normal heart cells are replaced with scar tissue, which is not the normal heart muscle.  This area thins out and is unable to contract properly, which often leads to heart failure.  In the meantime, in the shrunken area, the blood vessels which once fed the dead tissue disappear, and the blood flow to that heart tissue is then reduced.

This is the heart's way of fixing the problem, since the heart has no other way to repair or replace this damaged tissue. As scientists, we are trying to reprogram this repair, to result in 'reverse remodeling'-one such therapy that is being researched is stem cell therapy.  The patients own bone marrow stem cells can be taken out and injected into the patient's dead heart tissue.  These stem cells can then change into heart cells, or even become part of new blood vessels to the region.

Reverse remodeling with stem cells is a very real option that is being pursued in all kinds of studies to work out any bugs, but patients in trials have already shown promising results.

When we get fat, a kind of remodeling also occurs-maybe you have heard about the 'hydrated' fat on this season of The Biggest Loser...

As we add to our fat depots, the body must feed these growing fat cells by creating a network of blood vessels into the area.
When you see the dead adipocyte (fat cell) in the obese adipose tissue (AT), this is NOT a good thing.  See the fat cell gets so full that is explodes-and it becomes an 'angry fat cell'.  This dead angry fat cell serves to recruit in more macrophages (immune cells) to clean up the mess...  These immune cells then release inflammatory chemicals which regulate how the surrounding fat functions-stimulating them to release their own proinflammatory hormones.
These angry fat chemicals then affect a WIDE array of tissues (FFA=free fatty acids)...

This remodeling turns this fat tissue into endocrine organs-organs which release chemicals (like hormones) that affect the function and survival of other organs/tissues.  So the fat chemicals affect blood vessel functions (think atherosclerosis), immune cell inflammation (think autoimmune diseases), fatty liver which can lead to cirrhosis, insulin resistance of the skeletal and heart muscle (leading to the remodeling of the heart), beta cells in the pancreas die=prediabetes-this increasing metabolic syndrome and change in blood vessels lead to a 3 times greater risk for Alzheimers.

Who knew one little angry fat cell could be so powerful?  Truth is, as obese people, we have millions of angry fat cells.  

The good news?  Unlike the heart, reverse remodeling is VERY possible in the fat tissue.  How?  Lose weight.  Even a 10 pound loss makes a difference in circulating angry fat chemicals.  There is no research needed on this therapy-we have the tools within ourselves.  Diet and exercise and lose the weight already-because you don't want to make the fat angry.  You won't like them when they're angry.  

And neither will your organs.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Honest is as honest does

Upon receiving this great award from Michelle,  I thought long and hard about what being an honest blogger means to me, and possibly some of you others out there.
When I started this blog, I was grieving heavily and wanted to share my story and joys about Polar, but moreso it was so that I was publicly accountable for what I was going to try...so that I would be held responsible for my fuck-ups, cheating, and asinine tantrums-as I knew these would come as I cut back on my 'drug'.  Up until this blog, I never told anyone that I was attempting something until after I had already accomplished it.

However, with this blog something interesting happened...I realized that as a person, I worry more about what strangers, distant acquaintances, and fans of the blog think and feel about me, rather than the opinions of my close friends and family.  Not that my family and friends don't matter, but I guess I know how they feel, and don't doubt their support or feelings for me.

And as much as this journey is for ME, because I'm the one who HAS to look at the cellulite and rolls in the mirror, I do care about public opinion to some degree, I'm not going to lie and say those who don't like me can screw off (but if you don't like my dogs you CAN screw off).  

This is why I have been so successful in my diet, because I dread having to post about failures to you all.  Even if your comments are all nice and supportive, even on a bad week, I want to stand for something in your mind and don't want to sully your opinion by failing.

I want to be the 'gung-ho, no nonsense, take no prisoners dieter'.  Someone to gain motivation from...don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to be a 'role model', but I do want you to think I am doing the best possible.  Honestly, maybe part of me wants you to aspire to my weight loss numbers, because I have never been the showstopper or the prettiest/most desired girl in the room-even when I was super fit.  Trust me, I KNOW I have LOTS of issues, but I want to help somehow, maybe serve as an example of what can happen if you stick to your guns, bite the bullet, and shit or get off the pot.

Yes, I realize this all goes back to my need for recognition for my hard work.  Why I need this, I don't know, since my parents were more than supportive and encouraging growing up.

So to borrow from Michelle, I am very flawed, but I do know my strengths.  I can play sports really well, I understand science deeply, I am a fiercely protective friend, I have a pretty face, and I can lose the shit out of weight.  If my strengths, or weaknesses, can help you along your journey, then that makes me happy...and motivates the hell out of me, too.

So 10 honest things about me are:
1.  I look for my own worth in others opinions too much.
2.  I curse alot, but please don't hold that against me.
3.  I have intense fear of suffocating or drowning, but I love the water.
4.  I have a deep fear of my husband leaving me for someone skinnier.
5.  I want Karma to do her job and hurt those who have hurt me.
6.  I have a problem forcing my dreams on others, like wanting my husband to further his career, too, so that we can live more comfortably.
7.  My impatience is a force to be reckoned with-which is why my 1 pound losses really piss me off.
8.  Though I love my life and would NEVER change it now, I have a problem letting go of mistakes I have made in the past, even though changing those mistakes would mean a different life for me now.
9.  Though I have never been judgmental of others looks, I am extremely critical of my own looks and have unrealistic body aspirations for myself.
10.  Even if I get to a size 6, and get a great job with great pay, I am not sure that I will ever feel content or be completely happy with myself or my accomplishments.

Now I must nominate four extremely honest bloggers...
 Jennifer-she details her struggle with maintaining her goal and her obstacles along the way.  She is a great support and her honest blog is one to follow...
 Bethanny-she tells it like it is, the good, the bad and the ugly, and always entertains with great pictures, too!
Call me Ishamel-honest about her weaknesses and is a great writer-check out her blog!
Jennifer-loves to run, very supportive, open to suggestions, honestly wants to improve herself-love her!


Sunday, January 16, 2011

As if being fat isn't bad enough...

My damn skin has been revolting against me for the past week.  Seriously, teenage zits?  NOT FUCKING FAIR.
Everytime I start feeling like I am in front of the 8 ball and my confidence soars a bit, I get knocked right back down with a huge honker on my forehead, or worse, in the tip of my nose.

I really think zits are God's great equalizer.  But do they have to be so PRESENT???
When I was fatter, I never wanted to go out, I was totally embarassed and scared shitless that I would run into someone I used to know when I was a 'hot mess', not just a 'mess' as I had become. 

Now that I don't mind going out, I get zits, and again want to retreat to my couch.  Freaking awesome.
Why am I bitching about this, you ask?  Because this is my reason for not posting pics.

Many of you want to see an updated pic of me now, and have been *rather* vocal in this. ;-)  So this is my excuse not to for a week or so.  
You have all probably seen my pic from when I had lost about 20 pounds from back in October I think, now I have lost 61.5 total, and I promise a pic soon.  I understand that for those of you brave enough to post pics and put it all out there, that it only makes sense for those bloggers you follow to suck it up and reciprocate.
So moral of this story, I'm working on it...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Freddy Mercury and Three Pounds

You may love, you may hate, or you may not know much about Freddy Mercury.  You may disagree with how he lived his life and not feel sympathetic about his death from AIDS, but you have to give me one thing-the man could sing the paint off the walls, and they don't make musicians like him anymore...take note Justin Bieber...

I love Queen, the group Mercury headed with such flashy substance for MANY years producing number #1 hit after #1 hit.

After hearing Under Pressure again today, a hit sung with a David Bowie cameo, I had to look up the lyrics, because I love the song a lot and I caught some interesting words at the end that sat with me...

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure

I thought, "you sing it Freddy!"

Last week, I felt my diet, and my sanity, slipping away.  Felt cornered, felt slovenly, felt lazy, felt like all my hard work was falling apart.  I had been feeling that way for at least the previous six weeks as well.  This week I thought, "it's time, this is my body, I need to take care of business and stop dicking around, no one else can implant willpower into my brain or move my fat ass for me."  

So in spite of being sick two days this week and not exercising those days, I ate very carefully, stuck to my guns, and lost three pounds (and I didn't even poop before weighing in).

You see, one of the few things I like about myself and have confidence in, is that I respond to pressure, and respond well.  Maybe I let my rut get out of control because subconsciously I knew it would reach my tipping point, and then my type A would take over and I would kick my own ass again.  Maybe just last week I noticed the tipping point was near and that I was a mess and in the process of failing slowly.

Regardless of the impetus I felt the pressure, and was frightened to break it down and realize how old I am getting, how young my loved ones are dying, and that this is my last dance.  So how do I want to feel, who do I want to be, and how do I want to go out and spend my only trip on this spinning ball of rock? 

How do YOU want to go out?  It's time to change our way of caring about ourselves...whether it is the crushing on your chest and joints from pounds, or the pounding in your brain from the crushing pressure, it's time to turn it around...flip the grid and use the pressure to make a change, as time waits for no one.

Friday, January 14, 2011

You never realize how sh*tty you really looked...

Until scores of random people tell you how GREAT you look now...(GREAT being said with loads of cheerleader enthusiasm and grotesque shocked/awed faces, at waaay too high a decibel).

Sure leave it to me to be glass half empty, but damn!  Not that I thought I looked GOOD per se, occasional pictures never let my grandiose visions go that far, but I wasn't a hobbit...

Or so I thought...

Not only do people not recognize me now, like my really good friend that I hadn't seen in a few months, but then they say, "Wow, you really are looking great!"

I really shouldn't be looking a gift compliment in the mouth, I know this, cause hey it is super cool for people to say nice things to you AND have less mean things to say about you behind your back, but DUDE.

But to let the extraordinarily small percentage of glass half full to rear her pretty head for a second, I am so happy to be noticed for being pretty again.  Sounds materialistic, but hey, every NSV counts!

I think one thing that I really notice myself, is that I LOOK pretty again-and let's face it my face has and always will be my one good feature (since the boobs are not happy to be on a diet).  When I was younger, family and friends would always tell me how pretty I was (not to be snobby, just stating what they said).  

When I was fatter, I couldn't see that prettiness no matter how much I worked the makeup or hair, and I thought my looks had actually changed underneath, that I was destined to be average.  Because honestly, I totally blended into the wall.

And that was preferred even better because when I was fat I didn't want recognition or attention.  But now that I am skinnier, I am kind of relieved that my face is still my face underneath-I haven't lost the one thing that I actually liked about myself. 

I'm sure you have seen that with alot of people, they look pretty average in the face, but when they lose weight, you realize that they are pretty darn attractive-I've seen that alot on the Biggest Loser especially.

So to those who are just starting, having a tough time after the holidays, losing track of their mojo, need a lift, just hang in there...and before you know it you will be inundated with left handed compliments, too!  Have a great weekend, everyone!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I just KNEW I really had style!

Too sweet, people.  Two super cool and interesting bloggers, Bethanny and FAB, were awesome enough to bestow this award on me yesterday, so now I must accept and do the following...

  • Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award
  • Share 7 things about yourself
  • Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can)
  • Contact the bloggers and tell them they won
So here is goes!

1.  I dress up in purple on days when I have to talk to my boss one on one, because I know he is a clothes snob and responds to certain colors.

2.  I never tell people when I am attempting to concur a goal or feat, as I feel that will jinx me, I only tell them after I fail/succeed.

3.  I have been thinking of adopting a retired greyhound racer next, if only because I am scared of seeing another Dane go through Wobblers.

4.  Hubby and I are taking a much needed vacation to Turks and Caicos in May-and four months cannot go by fast enough.

5.  I weigh my clothes that I wear to weigh in to make sure they are the lightest pieces of clothing I can find.

6.  I'm super scared that I will not get below 180 pounds, as I can't remember when I last stepped on a scale and it was less than 180.

7.  I wish I had the time and money to have a ranch for special needs rescue dogs that are deemed unadoptable.

Awesome bloggers-in no particular order:
Smaller Fun Pants
Jennifer #2
Waisting Time
Call me Ishmael
Aussie Sue
Life as a Caterpillar
The Merry

I understand if you are not an 'awardy' type person, but I loves ya anyway!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Strange Addictions II

I, like many of you out there, am an addict.  Not just to food, but to anything I find remotely stimulating.

So, yes, I obviously have an addictive personality-self diagnosed.  When I was eating pre-diet foods, I noticed that I even gravitated towards certain foods, beyond pizza and the traditional cheesy drugs...  I ate certain 'odd' things until I couldn't stand them anymore.

You say 'so what?' we all do that.  Um, no, let me explain.  I ate a certain nacho dish or a certain spicy pasta dish for dinner EVERYNIGHT for at least a year.  This did not put extra weight on me, as I was already a chunky beast by this time.  But it kept weight on me, for sure, since I was active and exercising.

Can you imagine eating the same two things everynight-for months and months?  Hubby works at night, so I always cooked for myself.  For someone who always gets bored, I NEVER deviated, in fact I was downright excited every night.

Case #2, I used to eat Nestle chocolate chip cookie dough, right out of the pretty yellow tube, and no I never got salmonella.  Maybe if I had it would have curbed my habit.  For probably 10 years I would eat tablespoons per day for 3 weeks or so, then get sick of it and stop for 6 months.  Then it would reoccur, when that thick yellow penis would call to me from the refrigerated section of my grocery store.  Yes, it was better than sex to me.

Case #3, I used to eat raw cake/brownie mix.  Just mix the powder with water-because hey it is less fat and calories without the egg/butter/oil.  Same thing, eat about 1/4 of the powder in a cereal bowl with water each day for weeks, then get sick of it and stop.

Case #4 eBay shopping-I will go through phases when I surf ebay ALL day every day for a week, buy a myriad of random stuff, then stop.  This happens often now, since it is not a food related obession I don't curb it.  And I SO do not want to end up a hoarder, plus it would really be great if I had a 20K sqft mansion before I start collecting more stuff.

Case #5 online poker-Again, not food related, so at night lately and in years past when I would normally want to graze and sweets would call me, I play a hand of poker-$1.10 buy in, and if I make it to the last 5 at the 10 person table I win $2.20-takes about 30-40 minutes/hand.  And yes, I do this while surfing eBay-as it seems I can stack and multitask my addictions pretty well.

Case #6-cross-stitching-I do it everynight for months straight, then can't stand to look at it anymore.  This is typically after I buy a wide assortment of kits off eBay.

Case #7-Vacation planning-Obsessive isn't even the word.  You all know I am a crazy person when I don't have a future vacation planned-just the knowledge that one is coming up keeps me even keeled. Without one, I am a BITCH to be around, my poor husband...  And when I am planning one??  Forget it, I research and plan it to within an inch of it's life-activities, exercise time, restaurants for every meal, checking for better plane seats everyday...etc.

Case #8-Philanthropy-specifically rescuing animals has become a bad obsession since Polar died.  Sure I loved rescuing and training fosters in the past, but now I long for land and independent wealth so that I can have a rescue ranch.  Seriously.  To the point that I bought $60 of lottery tickets last week.  Don't even ask me if I won-you would have seen that post if I did...  And last week I also offered to transport a deaf Husky to any rescue that would take him.  He's in Springfield, MO.  I'm in Dallas.  Do the mapquest.  Why did I offer this?  Because I feel bad for the sweet neglected husky up the street from me.

Case #9-Submitting grants and entering contests-I feel like this need to be recognized for being a great scientist stems from my hauntingly mediocre undergraduate GPA...it was always a reason for rejecting me or at least was a reason in my head, now I try to smother it with other accolades.  Do I like entering contests and writing grants?  Hell to the MF-ing NO. 

Case #10-DIY network and HGTV.  Yes, seriously I was home yesterday and watched it for 12 straight hours.  House Hunters, Property Virgins, House/Bath Crashers, Selling New York, Design on a Dime, 10 grand in Hand, More Bang for Your Buck, Design to Sell, ETC, ETC, ETC.  Maybe if all the carpenters and contractors weren't so damn personable and good looking...hmm.

Case #11-exercise.  I used to exercise alot, but it reaped rewards, as I played better and was a better athlete.  But now?  I find if I do not work out, then the guilt is immeasurable.  Like crushing, and so depressing.  What's worse, is that based on my calorie intake, I am only supposed to do 30 minutes of exercise/day.  But when I reach that 30 minute mark, I say, 'oh just another 10', then I say 'oh going another 20 won't hurt me'.  If my elliptical did not allow longer than 65 minutes in a row without restarting the program, I would surely go longer.  The past two weeks I have done 65 minutes on the elliptical everyday-burning at least 800 calories.  Then I do P90x on top of that. Dropping dead scares the shit out of me, and yet I keep pushing myself.  Maybe I need therapy for my fear of gaining the fat back?

Case #12-If you read my post two posts ago, you know from where this stems...I was addicted to worrying about my significant other cheating on me...to the point that the CIA would be glad to have me on their team-hacking into email addresses, hiring PIs, following (yes stalking) my sig other, googling exes of significant others, etc.  I guess I was more obsessed with figuring out if they were cheating on me.  I relegate this to self-preservation, but obviously it is a trust issue.  And it was definitely an all-encompassing addiction that would fill every waking moment.  Thank goodness my hubby knows this about me, and knows that trying to hide things from me just makes me a crazier investigator/analyzer/schemer.

So I wonder when the next addiction will hit.  Lately I have been searching for houses to buy.  Are we in the market you ask?  No.  

Maybe some people call them hobbies, especially if they are not food related.  I imagine some guys golf as much as I surf eBay, or some gals scrap-book, etc. So are these hobbies, or just ways to feed my addictive personality?

Who the hell knows, but I guess if I am not hurting anyone or putting me and hubby into the poorhouse than I shouldn't worry?  But I know therapists, especially Dr. Drew on celebrity rehab who I love, talks about breaking the addiction cycle.  And maybe I need to do this before I become a sex addict, body builder or anorexic, drug addict, or end up with 20 dogs in my 1600 sqft house.  But how?  How do you occupy your mind away from food?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Its not over until its really over

My best friend in 6th grade was named Jenn.  We were inseparable.  Our families hung out quite a bit, too.  We went to school together all through grade and high school.

But we grew apart after she got cancer.  I remember the lump on her neck, at the base of her collarbone-it was huge.  It turned out to be Hodgkins.  She must have been out of school for chemo and radiation for at least 6 months to the best of my memory.

She was treated, and treated well, at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, and she came back with a wig, which was a tad disconcerting for the rest of us, but she was more bubbly than ever.

I imagine this outgoing-ness was because she came through-then we graduated 7th grade together.  After that though, we started hanging out with different people.

She was different, but then again I can't imagine having cancer and that not changing your life.  It is life and death, so it makes sense that it would be a life changer.  We always got along after her Hodgkins, but were not so inseparable anymore.

Today my Mom read my latest high school newsletter that arrived at their house.  You know the one-this class is having a reunion, that couple had a baby, here's a form for you to give the school money, and the In Memorium section.

Seems Jenn died in November, surrounded by her brother (two years our junior), parents, and her husband.

Being the super sleuth that I am I found an entry she had made on a fellow cancer bloggers page, where she thanked them for being inspiring, noted she herself was a Hodgkins survivor and a stage 4 BC patient-and that she was awaiting scans from her doctor and was really nervous.

She asked for luck.  While she had a myriad of friends, she lacked in luck.  Having cancer twice.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy-seems no one should have to wear that badge, let alone twice.

This time she couldn't eeck out the win.  I had no idea she was sick again.  But more importantly, her obituary said she fought hard, right up to the end.  She knew her foe, all too well, knew the odds were REALLY stacked against her a second time, but she never gave up.

Once we are thin maybe we will feel a false sense of security, maybe we will lapse into old habits, maybe we will fight the good fight.  Maybe in 5, 10, 20 years we will get fat again.  I know as well as anyone that yo-yo weight is my forte, though not a proud notch on my belt.  But I will fight the good fight until I take my last breath...

Because I know what fat can do to my heart, I know how a stroke could make me a vegetable, I know being fat can expose me to a myriad of other opportunistic killers-like cancer.  So until that breath is my last, I will fight my issues, knowing the odds are against me because I have already proven an addict, susceptible and plain old weak.

In the meantime, I will eat well, move my booty, and get a goddamn mammogram already.

Friday, January 7, 2011

When it really isn't all your fault

Let me start by saying that I used to detest 'battered' women-those who stayed too long all the while being abused.  I thought they were weak, or stupid, or both.  That was until I became one myself.

And yes, yes, I KNOW that ultimately we all put the food into our OWN mouths.  And I know that dieting is 80% food, 10% exercise, and 10% mental, but I would argue that STAYING thin or not getting fat to begin with is 80% mental.

So last night I am laying in bed with hubby and somehow I get onto talking about my ex-fiance-I think it started with bitching about P90X and building muscle.  

You see, my ex Jack* (*names have been changed to protect the douchey) was a professional athlete.  I was still an athlete at that time, we met at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, and it was a fast and furious love.  Everything was wonderful, and after a year and some months we got engaged.

He was funny and confident, and made me feel sexy yet smart.  When we lived together and moved off the Olympic complex, things were good.  For a few years things were good.  Then he started pushing me to set a wedding date, and I kept changing the subject.  In my head, I was not sure why I did this-now I look back and am SO glad I did.

After about 3 years together, little things started to annoy me.  He ate alot, he had to since he burned at least 10K calories a day working out, but he NEVER did his dishes yet ate ALOT of meals.  And he never cleaned the bathroom, or straigtened up, or even mowed the yard.  Come to think of it, he NEVER helped around the house, and when I asked he got defensive and somehow managed to turn it into an argument and back around on me.  That I was lazy and messy...

Did I mention I owned our house, and paid all the bills myself?  Yeah, no shit.

Then I noticed him making inside jokes aside to certain girls he knew, or emailing certain girls casually.  I asked about them and wanted to be in on the jokes.  Maybe my tone ended up being accusatory, but that was months after asking about them calmly and in a round about way.  Even when I asked casually, he got defensive, turned it around and into a huge argument, and it always ended up with me being 'crazy and paranoid'.

I realize now that this was about the time I started to eat.  When I was home by myself stewing, when he would storm out the door because I had 'accused' him.  And I would eat when he would get so angry that he would push me around (dude was huge and crazy strong), and I would eat some more when I was begging him not to leave me after he would flip an argument into being my fault.  And I would eat when I would see random numbers calling him, or him taking his phone into the bathroom with him, or him walking out of the room when these girls would call.

When he dumped me and moved out, I begged him to stay-I offered him everything I had (if you get my drift), I begged to keep some connection with him.  And I ate some more.  I gained 15 pounds after we broke up in the two weeks prior to my best friends wedding in which I was to be a bridesmaid-yes this can happen if you try really hard apparently.  I was a cow those pictures, had to alter the dress emergently, and was a mess on my BF's big day.  I will never forgive myself.  I was with him for 5 years, I let myself be treated like shit for at least 2 years of those 5, and I cried myself to sleep(as quietly as I could because he would get mad) more times than I could count.

What's more, after I realized he had been cheating, after we broke up, after seeing the PI's photos (yes I hired one), I snapped out of it.  I stopped taking his calls, opening his emails, rebuked his efforts to get back together.  I freed myself from the battered syndrome, because I was not crazy and paranoid afterall, and I was certainly not lucky to have him.  I took a year off from men completely, and lost 70 pounds.

I swore I would not go for the athlete again, not be attracted to the stigma, and would find someone who had a career and could support himself.  So I started dating another guy, Steve*-not very good looking, but worked alot and had money.  I had nothing to fear, right??  Then I watched him OPENLY flirt with other girls right in front of me, followed him and another girl in a parking lot from a party we were at and caught him right before he tried to kiss her.  I made him a nice cross stitched pic, very masculine, and it was all I could afford after I started grad school, and he LAUGHED at it.  When I got upset because he mocked it after I had worked on it for MONTHS, he stormed out.  It was happening again.  This time, I knew he was cheating on me, I saw the emails, and I was looking pretty closely this time.  But I still gained 40 pounds as I saw him fall all over girls that I could never become-over and over and over.  We broke up, he wanted to still be best friends, I said hell no, I cut the cord quick and that was that.

I let myself get treated like shit AGAIN-and though Steve did not yell at me the way Jack did, he still trounced my soul and crushed my confidence.  And I let him do it, and that is my fault.  But their being assholes was NOT my fault.  Them pounding my confidence was NOT my fault-what they did to me mentally, how they treated me, was not my fault.  Eating to feel better, yes that was me.  But being paralyzed inside, no matter how I tried to suppress or stuff those feelings, was 80% of the battle while getting fat.

So I guess my lessons were:
1.  Don't let anyone treat you in a way that you would be embarrassed to tell your friends or family about
2.  Relationships that are not close to 50-50 in effort won't last long
3.  When instinct tells me he is cheating, it's true almost ALL of the time (actually my private investigator told me that)
4.  Don't ever let anyone or anything have so much control over you that you actually HARM yourself
5.  NO ONE is worth crying yourself to sleep over
6.  Stuffing your feelings with food doesn't make them go away, it just makes you fat
7.  There are nice guys around, even if you have to go to Iowa to find them ;-)

Sorry for the long post!