Absentia

Hi guys and gals...I have to apologize for being absent lately.  I have no good excuse, just been working, doing some doggie rescue work, and mostly trying to eat well and be active.


I am losing a few pounds here and there, but it's not where it should be every week, and my efforts have not been where they were on medifast.  Not sure if it is just because work has burnt the shit out of me and I'm just TIRED.


For me, it's hard to be balls to the wall on the wagon when I don't have someone to be accountable to...and where most of you say you are accountable to yourselves, I  don't feel that responsibility right now.  When most of my clothes fit, and I am medically healthy, it is hard for me to drive myself to diet and exercise fiercely when I am looking to improve aesthetics alone.


And no, dieting has not become a way of life, I still want foods that I shouldn't eat, and no I don't want just one bite.  


I think the issue is partly this-I have always been angry that the rest of my life takes a back seat to food-when, where, what I want to eat.  But with dieting, that hasn't changed-I still think obsessively about the when, where, what...


I resent food, and everything associated with it-including dieting.  I am so sad and scared that I will look back when I'm 50, 60, 70 years old, and REGRET that I spent so much of my life obsessing about food and all that encompasses-including dieting...that I look back and realize my life was 80% food, 20% love, family, adventure, discovery, professional satisfaction, etc.


I don't think any of us want to look back and say "Wow, I was such a good/bad dieter, and for that I feel content".  Don't mistake me, I am not knocking anyone's efforts, I am knocking my own mindset, because I feel stuck-for the past god knows how many years, it's all food.  ALL FOOD.  And I know, even if it becomes a way of life, it will always be ALOT of work-ALL ABOUT FOOD.  What kind of life is that??  Sorry for the self-pity, this is just pissing me off.

The Chocolate Cake that Never Was

So, yes, as it turns out I am a dog, because I still reward myself with food...to be specific, I rewarded myself for a decent year where I managed to lose a shitload of weight and keep most of it off.

And I rewarded myself for not eating my way through the holidays...of course I did so by eating this chocolate cake...my favorite, from Grand Lux Cafe...

The irony is so thick it is almost choking me.  Yes, I am an idiot.


What's worse is that afterward I felt soooo glass-half-empty...

So I guess it turns out...

So is that good news or bad news???  Well considering I ate probably a 2000 calorie piece of cake and felt so anti-climactic I wanted to cry, I'd say this is more than just a shitty piece of cake not holding up it's end of the bargan.

I believe in fact it is the Post-Christmas Blues-aka New Year not so happy...but I have no excuse.  In fact I took off the latter half of last week in the hopes to find my mojo again, and yet I feel equally bummed and equally pissed off at myself for being bummed...

So I told hubs next time I want that cake remind me how not thrilled I was with it this time...of course he said yes, and of course I will forget...ah gotta love the selective memory of an obese brain!

Now of course I want to go home and eat junk, which of course does not exist in my house for times much like this when I could eat the granite off the countertops.  So, no, I am not thinking about resolutions, about continuing my diet, about being happy in love, life, etc.  

And naturally, as utter cockup may have it, I am back to feeling like everyone is whispering about me behind my back...

Where's a good acid trip when you need one???

Fucking cake...