Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Absentia

Hi guys and gals...I have to apologize for being absent lately.  I have no good excuse, just been working, doing some doggie rescue work, and mostly trying to eat well and be active.


I am losing a few pounds here and there, but it's not where it should be every week, and my efforts have not been where they were on medifast.  Not sure if it is just because work has burnt the shit out of me and I'm just TIRED.


For me, it's hard to be balls to the wall on the wagon when I don't have someone to be accountable to...and where most of you say you are accountable to yourselves, I  don't feel that responsibility right now.  When most of my clothes fit, and I am medically healthy, it is hard for me to drive myself to diet and exercise fiercely when I am looking to improve aesthetics alone.


And no, dieting has not become a way of life, I still want foods that I shouldn't eat, and no I don't want just one bite.  


I think the issue is partly this-I have always been angry that the rest of my life takes a back seat to food-when, where, what I want to eat.  But with dieting, that hasn't changed-I still think obsessively about the when, where, what...


I resent food, and everything associated with it-including dieting.  I am so sad and scared that I will look back when I'm 50, 60, 70 years old, and REGRET that I spent so much of my life obsessing about food and all that encompasses-including dieting...that I look back and realize my life was 80% food, 20% love, family, adventure, discovery, professional satisfaction, etc.


I don't think any of us want to look back and say "Wow, I was such a good/bad dieter, and for that I feel content".  Don't mistake me, I am not knocking anyone's efforts, I am knocking my own mindset, because I feel stuck-for the past god knows how many years, it's all food.  ALL FOOD.  And I know, even if it becomes a way of life, it will always be ALOT of work-ALL ABOUT FOOD.  What kind of life is that??  Sorry for the self-pity, this is just pissing me off.

6 comments:

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

Well put and I agree. I HATE that it's EVERY DAY. I want to rebel against that and sometimes I do..and then I regret. *sigh

Christie said...

Sometimes it all gets to be "too much". I have been feeling it, lots of other bloggers have been saying it. No self-pity...just a low day or so. Here's to coming out on the other side with renewed vigor! ;)

BeesKnees said...

Isn't is sad how much we obsess about food and weight? I've spent an entire decade obsessing over it in one way or another and I hate it. My Husband is super supportive in the whole "I love you no matter how you look" type way but sometimes I wish he'd be like "You're a big fucking cow lose some weight!" so that maybe I'd get motivated enough to "show him". I wish I had something positive or inspirational to share with you but if I did I wouldn't be in the same funk :( Thanks for sharing I was missing your posts :)

Julie Lost and Found said...

Just popping in to see how you are doing. Hope you're ok! Have a great weekend.

Karla said...

I can so relate, every day, minute to minute ...I am always thinking about food, how many calories? should I? Blah blah blah

Here was an interesting article, I follow Lynn's facebook and she mentioned it, I do get how maintenance is almost another phase of an eating disorder... Interesting read

http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/03/behind-the-cover-story-tara-parker-pope-on-obesity/?ref=magazine

Charlotte said...

Hope you're doing well.