Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Friday, December 31, 2010

Kicking Butt and Taking Names-kinda

So Hot 100 is at a close, as is 2010, and I have to thank Steve for helping me to stay accountable to myself.

There were many ups and downs of this last 100 days, and I was obviously smoking some serious hash when I set my first goal, BUT...

1.  Reach goal of 161 by year end-that would have been about 75-80 pounds.  DUDE, WTF was I thinking?  However, as of this morning, I am the lightest I have been in 10 years.  YAY ME!  I fell a bit short of my modified goal of 185, as I am now 188, but again-it's been a decade people. I believe I have lost 45-50 pounds during this challenge alone.  I'm stoked.  DOUBLE YAY.

2.  This was an easier one to keep-no days eating over 2000 calories.  On Medifast most days are planned to be around 1000-1200 calories anyway, so as long as I stayed on plan, I was good, and I did stay on plan...In spite of the AWESOME yukon potato puree I made for Christmas dinner.  Could have eaten it all myself.  In a closet.  With my blankee.  Followed by the fetal position...SO  no cheating on this goal.

3.  Weeks without a loss-leave it to Mother Nature to mess with my flow.  No pun intended.  Only one week I had a 1 pound gain.  All in all, pretty good progress.  To date, 57 pounds lost in about 5 months.

It has been downright lovely getting to know and follow all my fellow hotties, and I wish you all health, wealth, and weight loss in 2011.  Now Steve-please give me some peppers-I'm a jalapeno addict!!!!  And in exchange, I'll give you my awesome corn jalapeno casserole recipe...

1 can or bag of sweet yellow corn
half up to full 8 ounces of FF cream cheese
1/2 cup to taste of yummy diced jalapenos
1/2 cup shortening/margarine added at the end to make the corn more fluid-again this is a preference issue and can be adjusted, I use about 2 tbsp

Throw it all in a microwaveable dish, mix every minute until all melted, and hot-serve or refridgerate-easy peezy!


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Strange Addictions

So I watched this new show last night, and in addition to becoming hooked, saw something very interesting.

While one poor girl was seeking therapy for her blow dryer addiction, her therapist suggest she write a letter to her addiction.

In this letter she was to state what it had done for her, how it made her happy, how it had hurt her and why she was moving on.  A Dear John letter of sorts...

I am not a 'let's write letters to our soul' kind of gal, but I thought this was interesting-the positives and negatives reviewed at this crappy time of the year for me is maybe just what I need to refuel my vengeance against fat.

So here it goes...

Dear Red-headed Food Addiction,

I have enjoyed our time together over the past four years, but I think we should see other people now.

See, while I was unsatisfied with my career path, you comforted me in the privacy of my own home.  But now that I have gone back to school to pursue a career I love, I don't need that comfort anymore.

When I was bored and snowed in, or it was too hot to go outside, you gave me something to bide my time in between crappy TV shows or emails from home.  Though with parka coats and air conditioning, there is no excuse not to go outside really, and live life in the fresh air!

When I broke up with my boyfriend(s), you welcomed me at all hours of the day, and never judged me or left me or cheated on me.  Now that I am married, for good I hope, I have someone else to love in the middle of the night, I don't need your endorphin lust.

When I was in the 200's, I enjoyed your company a little here and there, and never felt huge-till that day forever caught in pictures.  Now I can't believe I let you lead me on little by little for so long, and I followed over the cliff like a lemming so I am totally to blame there...but you were just so damn GOOD tasting.

However, losing Polar was rough, it was a time I would normally turn to food.  And though I miss him terribly, I'm not ready to see him-not just yet.  So I need to say goodbye to you.

It is time we parted ways, sure I will still see you at least three times a day, but I will keep it short-say hello, then continue walking down the road, or better yet-running down the road.  See I can't quit you-not completely, but I can give you a restraining order so you keep your distance so that I can live other parts of life without your screaming in my ear.  So keep an eye out-that check is in the mail.

Polar's Mom

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When you love what you do...

...you never work a day in your life.

I just heard that quote on TV, in the background as I hungrily scan through blogs, and it actually caught my attention.

I thought "No Shit!!"  That is so true, and this makes me wonder about skinny people again...or rather how they think differently from myself.

See when I was superfit, many moons ago it seems, I never thought about my body, good or bad, it was SO a non issue.  And back then since I was always training for my sport, working out was "fun", dare I use that word...

I did it because I saw almost instant results on the court.  Tweak a serve after working a hopper of balls, get 5 more aces per match, run sprints, get to more drop shots.  Et cetera ad nauseum.

This made eating not exciting, it was just something I did to fill the time between my athlete life and my sleeping life.  Fill.  The.  Time.

Prior to the diet after fatty-dom struck, food became the main center of my life.  I would rush home from the lab because I was excited about what I was going to eat for a snack, then for dinner.  Seriously, that is messed up.

All this has me now thinking, do healthy & skinny people not work to be skinny and healthy because it's not work-it's just filling time and fueling their real lives?  Or do they consciously think about it, and because they love how they look and feel the exercise and diet feel less like work to them?

I am totally curious, because obviously I took being healthy and skinny for granted, and now I hope to squash my inner self-examining freak and make weight loss secondary to living life.

Don't get me wrong, losing weight is TOTALLY a full time job and needs to be a number one priority, but for me I wish it was less work and more love.  Less obsession and more healthy love and fear.  Because now that eating food is not my center, I hate that giving up food is my center.  

See, I still feel like an addict, just of a different variety, and I still feel like I am missing something central to the whole process...  Maybe it is selfish and stupid but I want to love losing weight like an easy breezy high school kind of love, not an all encompassing college sponge sucking face kind of love.  I also want it to be second nature, because for me, having such a negative stigma for weight loss, which is at the forefront of EVERYTHING I do, makes it that much more work.

And let's face it, no one can go for long living for TGIF and working towards a weekend that is s-l-o-w to come, if ever-I need to back burner this without losing momentum I think.  I need it to be less work, and more a silent habit, if I am to ever define myself as someone other than a perpetual dieter.  I know, I don't ask for much, do I? ;-)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Best Vacations to Prolong Weight Loss

For many, including yours truly, going on vacation means a break from the routine.  This may include hotels, eating out in new restaurants, sleeping in, etc.

Like many of you, I enjoy a good vacation...my last vacation was to Las Vegas in July prior to 'the diet'.  Boy did we have fun.  It was only 3 nights, but we ate and gambled ourselves into a broke glucose stupor.

I researched restaurants beforehand, and prided myself on picking three places that were higher class (read: more expensive) than the typical fare of which we usually partake.

First night we ate at one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurants-I had the Australian Kobe version of a filet (6 oz) with mushrooms and red wine reduction, half of a shared Yukon gold potato puree, and half of a chocolate eruption souflee.  Heaven, let me tell you.

Next was an Italian restaurant where I had risotto for the first time, and a seafood spicy linguine medley.  Let's just say the next day I wished I had crammed it all into my mouth as I was angry that I left something behind on my plate.  Too good, and not to badly priced.

Third night was at one of Mario Batali's restaurants, again I had a filet, and some of a strange mashed potato dish with egg in it.  Not a great meal, but better than what I could cook.

In between all of that, we lost about a months worth of rent.  But had a blast.  Did I mention we were staying at the Palazzo for FREE???  Well, obviously it wasn't free, but it was great.

So yesterday I bitched about being bored with life, and many times before I have complained that I need a vacation planned at least in order to feel WHOLE and HAPPY.  Yes, I am strange-I blame it on my gypsy upbringing where we moved and traveled all over.

One of my co-workers actually told me yesterday that I need a vacation, and knowing my weight loss plight, we started thinking about possible places.

I love Vegas, it is fun and there is always stuff to do, but let's face it, it is a food mecca and would be tough to eat healthy there and get a workout in...

Cruises are also fun I have heard, but they are floating buffets where people often gain weight, right?

So how do you go on vacation and have fun without coming back with an extra fanny pack on the inside?

One thought I had was going skiing, that way we would be working out 6-8 hours a days and wouldn't have to worry too much about watching calories or examining food preparation.

Actually, that was the only good idea I had.  Planning to rent a room with a kitchenette and cooking every night is a great idea, but I admit would never come to fruition I assure you.

So where do you go to have fun and yet keep your weight off?  I realize vacations in the summer months are slim on activities, that is why I am asking all the smartest people I know for suggestions!!! 

Monday, December 27, 2010

Boredom is a dish best served cold...

...or even better with cheese heaped on top.  And not the kind of cheese that doesn't melt...

Ellen over at fat girl wearing thin talked today about what happens when things don't work for you anymore-a subject which definitely resonates with me.

Lately, unlike most Christmas-times in my life, I have been VERY bored.  I HATE bitching and moaning as much as you guys hate reading about it, but damn already, WTF?!?!?  I feel like I'm in Dante's Inferno without the rings of hell to liven things up a bit.

One of the things that endeared the holidays to me was the special food, but let's face it prior to the diet I loved food year round and it was a source of excitement for me.

But since the diet has enveloped my life, this year Christmas was just another day, and I really miss the 'special' in it.

Exercise is boring, too.  I used to hate it until after I was done when the endorphins would make life awesome and renew my willpower.  Now I just feel flat no matter how or when I work out, and the desire for delicious food to brighten my day gets stronger.

I love vacations, getting away, seeing new things, and they always renew my spirit and soul, but I don't have any planned.  Honestly that makes me want to put my head down on my desk right now and cry.  Seriously.

I love my work, but the past week I come in late and leave early and can't stand the sight of the place.  I guess it reiterates to me the fact that I am not on vacation and everyone else is, and I am feeling quite disenchanted and burned out with science overall.

I'm not a thrill junkie, but everything, everyday bores the shit out of me and I feel like I want to pluck my nose hairs out just to liven the place up a bit.

Honestly I don't see my husband enough to be bored of him.

Even shopping is boring, and that is a bit scary to me since it was always my go to mood lifter after I gave up 'real food'.

Arrghhh, I'm sick of fucking bitching and moaning about this, but I'm even more sick of living in this disconnected, desensitized limbo.

So Ellen asked "what doesn't work for you anymore?"  My answer:  everything.  So I ask you what do you do when you want to curl into a ball and hibernate for a month? 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Get that license plate!

Because I've been hit by a truck...or so it seems lately.  I sit down at my desk at work and my lids start to droop and the low and steady hum of the lab machines makes me want to put my head down and....NOOO.  No sleeping at work!  Micromanaging boss would not approve...

The past few mornings, I have felt like I had run a marathon or had been probed by aliens all night-and not good looking aliens...

Maybe it is because I am getting to a lower weight that I need to work out more to get off the same amount of weight each week.  Needless to say I have been pulling doubles on the elliptical for an hour and a P90X video each night.
So maybe I am working out too much, as I can honestly say that I haven't felt this drowsy since before I started the diet.  Usually I feel great, but even my brain feels sluggish when I try to form sentences.

Maybe it's just Christmas coming and I'm all a-twitter, or maybe I'm just pissed to be working in an empty lab.

And boy do my boobs hurt-I did the chest P90X DVD which includes 50 different kinds of push ups-who knew boobs could be so sensitive!
 But enough of my bitching, because Christmas is around the corner!!  So have a good one and...

A good rule for spending time with family!

Hot 100 update:
1.  Hopefully this week will be a loss
2.  Hope to get to 185 by new years
3.  No days over 2k calories-unfortunately ;-)

Monday, December 20, 2010

I will try to fix you

When I think back to a year ago, we had just brought Polar to the neurologist.  We piled him into a rented cargo van, and I watched in horror as he slipped into the splits on the tile floor of the vet's office as everyone else wondered what was wrong.

In my heart, I knew.  Taiga, my other Dane baby, had been put down a year earlier after developing Wobbler's as a younger dog.  When Polar came up lame after his accident, I recognized his paw dragging and slipping.  I hated that this had happened to him, I hated myself even more for letting this happen.

Taiga had responded to gold bead therapy, which is basically like constant acupuncture that tries to get the body to reduce spinal inflammation and relieves pain.  In fact she lived about three years after the onset of Wobbler's, which is pretty successful for noninvasive therapy.

After the MRI confirmed my worst fears for Polar, we weighed our options.  Surgery, which is not very successful for very large dogs like him as the bones surrounding the fixed site often break from the strain, was not a humane option for him.  Though I am very much a Western medicine type of gal, I scanned everything I could read, and decided to try acupuncture, and eventually gold bead therapy.

Every week, our holistic vet came and stuck MANY wires in him, then attached electrodes to the wires, and he just chilled and looked around and seemed to enjoy the attention.  And the doggie cookies.  Then the vet would massage him, and adjust his hips and other joints to relieve some stress within them.  Then eventually we had gold beads placed in him.  All the while he was on steroids as well...

Honestly, I hoped with all my heart that this would work, that we would have him for many more years.  He still had a zeal for life and happiness and curiosity in his eyes, even if he couldn't move very well.  He had his good days and bad, but the upswing that we were all hoping for never came.

I scoured the internet, and talked with vets all over the country trying to find other treatment options for him.  You see, I pride myself on being a great researcher, on exhausting all options when trying to make decisions, on educating myself.  

I scoured the internet for hundreds of hours, I tried to find anything.  I tried so hard to fix him.  He was relying on me, I was his only hope, and I failed him.

I couldn't fix him.  Though I am not ready for another dog, I often find myself searching for dogs to adopt.  And I only look for those unadoptable dogs, those with issues, blind or deaf like my boy, injured, etc.

Yesterday I found a site to adopt retired Iditarod dogs, and I found this one girl, Pippin.  Seeing her picture spoke to me somehow-I connected with this dog I will probably never meet.  Weird, I know.  Ever since then I have been obsessed with trying to find a way to adopt her.  I don't even know if she is still available, and I know I cannot get another dog right now, but the need to adopt this unwanted girl persists.

I know this all stems from trying to help her the way I couldn't help Polar-to make her life better-to fix her.  

This holiday is killing me, I am crying alot, and the guilt is worse than ever-I miss my boy so much.  I wish you all a fulfilling season with your loved ones, and yet I envy you to every fiber of my being.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Yearning for disgust

Seems these days, many people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how good I am looking.  I try to break past my neurosis to realize that they are complimenting me, not telling me that I used to look like shit.

And it is nice, knowing if I run into anyone from my more recent years, that I can only look better to them, that they will have nothing bad to say about my appearance.  This is comforting, and helps me with the anxiety I used to have about going out and possibly running into someone as a huge lumpy lard ass.  

I used to sit on my couch and play out the confrontation in my head, complete with the snide and cruel remarks on their part, my witty and biting remarks back to them, their whispering behind my back as I spin on the fat ball of my fat foot and quickly waddle away.

Honestly, these crazy horror-fantasies served as huge motivation in the earlier days of my diet, back when people still looked at me like, "you are doing something different with your hair, aren't you?"  Back when I was reticent about telling people what I was 'attempting'.  Now I tell anyone who asks-because I am succeeding. Proudly proclaiming that I am dieting.

So yesterday I realized I have lost some of my spit and vinegar for being super-strict with this diet and that the horror-fantasies have gone away.  I realized how much HARDER it is becoming to stay anal about what I put into my mouth as more and more people tell me that I look good, as I like my reflection in the mirror more than in many years.

While I still stick to the diet, it is not clockwork like it used to be...the thoughts creep in about pizza, pasta, etc, and they aren't immediately expelled-they are allowed to linger, hang out, sit for a spell.  This is really concerning as I know this is about the time when many people have problems with sabotage.

Is it easier to put down the Reeses and eat the celery if you hate yourself, feel paranoid about others talking about your bulky thighs, feel disgusting when you have to strip down to shower or be intimate with your spouse?

I think that 'normal' weight folks with normal thinking patterns, when people tell them they look great, they probably continue what they are doing with renewed abandon, but I can't help but feel complacent.  And let's face it, complacency is what made me a walking time bomb in the first place.

Is finally being treated like an 'average' member of society going to be my downfall-are the judgement and snarky comments from friends and family what I need to continue to pursue health and being more 'average'?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Bad Week

Mom is sick with pleuresy and possibly blood clots.  It has been tough this week back and forth to the hospital and doctor.

Needless to say that I have not been consistent with my eating-while I have not been eating bad, I also have not gotten all my Medifast meals in and I have been eating dinner too late, so I have no idea what the scale would have to say about that.

I have gotten all my workouts in somehow, so that is one good point.

But I am not weighing in tomorrow as we will be busy with the parents.  However, I did not blow it off and rescheduled for next week.

My Hot 100 goals for this week went well since I had a good day on the scales last week...
1.  Lost 4.5 last week-not close to my goal but better than I was four months ago!
2.  Had a good loss-no gain is good gain though...
3.  No binge days over 2000 calories.  Who would have thought back then that I would ever consider a 'binge' day to be over 2000 calories.  Strange days, people!

Hope you all had a good, losing week!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Good Karma and the Scale Gods

So here is how my twisted brain thinks...

Medifast has a neat guarantee on their food.  If you don't like any of their items, after trying only one from a package of seven, you may bring them back and exchange them from other items that other dieters did not like.

And well, I HATED the tomato soup, and I love all things tomato, people.  It was not only a frothy mess, but it looked like vomit-after a long night of alcohol and pizza kind of vomit.  No shit.  I could not even look at the picture on the box.  Two words...dry...heave.

So I brought my 6 packages back in and PRESTO!  There were SEVEN of the Smore protein bars that I love in the exchanging drawer.  But instead of being greedy and taking all 7, I left one and exchanged it for my six snot soups.  

Yeah I know, it didn't seem like anything at that time-still when I stepped on the scale...

I almost had a coronary, then I tried to jump off as soon as she let me 'cause I thought the number would change!  I had lost 4.5 pounds from last week.  This was in spite of the diet karma killing chocolate cake.  SO...it HAD to be the soup exchange.  HA!

Regardless, I was totally psyched and glad my extra workouts this week worked!

On another note, I got the most delicious roasted tomato soup at Whore Foods today-seriously delicious and 60 calories/2.5g fat per serving.
Highly recommend!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Melancholy Baby

Had a tough day emotionally.  I know, I know, it could be worse.  My butt could still be screaming at me every time I try to sit.  Yes, P90x is still kicking my butt.  Or the micromanaging boss could be breathing down my neck with busy work on Christmas...In fact my diet is going well-not great, but I'm a glass half empty kind of gal anyway.

For my Hot 100 goals, I am doing 'ok'.
1.  Lost 1.5 last week so will probably be around 185 by year end, which is a tad bit off my 161 goal, but still a size 8/10.
2.  Still losing, so that is good-P90X keeps my metabolism on it's toes I think-until Mother Nature stops by again.
3.  I am very able to stay well under 2000 calories, especially when there is no pasta or sugar on my plan-but I fear the maintenance.

Mentally, I am usually at my peak at this time of year.  I usually feel good as Christmas works its magic.

Not today, or even this season for that matter.  Might be because it is still unseasonably warm here in Texas...or-

While I fully realize that not being able to partake in the typical seasonal cuisine, as elegant as it may be, is probably sucking the fun from my addicted brain, I know it is more than that.

I know what my problem is-but acknowledging it doesn't make it hurt less, doesn't make the dull ache go away.

Because when it comes down to it-this is the first Christmas without my favorite reindeer.

That's all I have in me right now, folks, talk to you in a few days.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Enough cake to crush a horse

In celebration of my milestone this week on the scale, I had some chocolate cake-this is not a healthy reward, I understand this.  Sure the piece was the size of my ass, but of course I only had a bit to quench my thirst for chocolate.

And can I tell you how awesome it was?!?!?  Actually no, because I felt sick as shit afterward.  Being as how Medifast does not allow sugar, not even fruit, during the weight loss phase, my liver and pancreas were quite shocked when they saw that cake.

The result?  Screaming organs.  Not a typo.  They were NOT happy.  On top of it all, it sure as heck wasn't as good as I had been building it up in my mind.  And boy can I create a demand in my head-especially over the past three months on this diet.

But as what occurs when I picture and fantasize about men, nothing is ever as great as they are in your head.  Which is probably why I enjoy reading so much-my imagination runs my reality.

Even if I hadn't felt like lapsing into a diabetic coma, the cake experience was not what I imagined.  This made me wonder if all the food-gasms were in my head, too?  If I wasn't scared about the scale flipping me off this coming week, I would try all of my used-to-be favorites just to prove to myself that the utopia I created revolving around these items was self-propagated.  Plus they might help me poo.

Maybe my taste buds caught up to my logic-knowing that if they sung for the cake that I could go back to fatty mcfatterton with a foot in the grave.  Who knows?

So that was my science experiment for the weekend, hope you all had a cool self-discovery, too.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Time is on my side

Last week I had a pretty good 4.5 lb loss in spite of my two bite Thanksgiving ( I was only allowed two bites of everything but turkey).

However, I fear I have begun to 'play' the system in that I realize what I need to do to weigh in better on Saturdays.

I find if I eat earlier, and drink tea and un-crystal lighted water on Friday night, that I retain less water.  And many of you know that water retention is my strong suit-I'm a freaking camel, people.

Also, a crap is a must, but that is hard to come by when my intake is pretty light overall.

Though I yearn for the scale tomorrow, because if all goes well and I lose at least 2 pounds from last week, I will have lost 50 pounds overall.  I realize nothing is certain though, after my gain a few weeks ago, in spite of adherence to the diet.  Damn that estrogen.

But now that I am moving towards fitness, I find that my life is all about milestones.  Ones I want to create and then attain.  I WANT to plan-I have become a bit OCD about this.  Like I NEED to have a vacation planned to look forward to, I NEED to enter myself in academic competitions in the hopes of winning, I NEED to buy things in my goal size 6.  Maybe it is the thrill of the competition, adrenaline from what is to come, excitement over getting beautified...haven't figured that out yet.  Not sure if this is another addiction replacing food... 

But what I do know is that now that I am skinnifying, I NEED to better myself and attain more in all areas.  What an odd feeling.  I used to yearn for the day when I would wake up and feel like I have everything I want-that nothing more would make me happy.  Now when I wake I think what can I do, plan, strive towards today...

In keeping with this spirit, I have made a list of things that I want to do/improve about myself sooner rather than later this year...
1.  Obviously reaching goal weight is #1
2.  Keep up with my Botox, it makes me feel good to see less wrinkles
3.  I want to get my chest peeled/lasered because I have sun poisoning scars
4.  I want to get the xmas decorations up soon
5.  I'd like to plan another trip this coming year
6.  Find some hot spicy pickles
7.  Pay off at least 1 credit card completely
And the list goes on and on-like a loop in my head.

Part of that is my Hot 100 plan:
1.  Lose every week-well I didn't a few weeks ago but had a good week this past week-cross your fingers for me tomorrow!
2.  Eat under 2K calories a day-still on that schedule
3.  Reaching goal by year end will be SUPER tough-but I'm still going to get as close as possible.

Hope your week was great everyone!