And it is nice, knowing if I run into anyone from my more recent years, that I can only look better to them, that they will have nothing bad to say about my appearance. This is comforting, and helps me with the anxiety I used to have about going out and possibly running into someone as a huge lumpy lard ass.
I used to sit on my couch and play out the confrontation in my head, complete with the snide and cruel remarks on their part, my witty and biting remarks back to them, their whispering behind my back as I spin on the fat ball of my fat foot and quickly waddle away.
Honestly, these crazy horror-fantasies served as huge motivation in the earlier days of my diet, back when people still looked at me like, "you are doing something different with your hair, aren't you?" Back when I was reticent about telling people what I was 'attempting'. Now I tell anyone who asks-because I am succeeding. Proudly proclaiming that I am dieting.
So yesterday I realized I have lost some of my spit and vinegar for being super-strict with this diet and that the horror-fantasies have gone away. I realized how much HARDER it is becoming to stay anal about what I put into my mouth as more and more people tell me that I look good, as I like my reflection in the mirror more than in many years.
While I still stick to the diet, it is not clockwork like it used to be...the thoughts creep in about pizza, pasta, etc, and they aren't immediately expelled-they are allowed to linger, hang out, sit for a spell. This is really concerning as I know this is about the time when many people have problems with sabotage.
Is it easier to put down the Reeses and eat the celery if you hate yourself, feel paranoid about others talking about your bulky thighs, feel disgusting when you have to strip down to shower or be intimate with your spouse?
I think that 'normal' weight folks with normal thinking patterns, when people tell them they look great, they probably continue what they are doing with renewed abandon, but I can't help but feel complacent. And let's face it, complacency is what made me a walking time bomb in the first place.
Is finally being treated like an 'average' member of society going to be my downfall-are the judgement and snarky comments from friends and family what I need to continue to pursue health and being more 'average'?