Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Yearning for disgust

Seems these days, many people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how good I am looking.  I try to break past my neurosis to realize that they are complimenting me, not telling me that I used to look like shit.

And it is nice, knowing if I run into anyone from my more recent years, that I can only look better to them, that they will have nothing bad to say about my appearance.  This is comforting, and helps me with the anxiety I used to have about going out and possibly running into someone as a huge lumpy lard ass.  

I used to sit on my couch and play out the confrontation in my head, complete with the snide and cruel remarks on their part, my witty and biting remarks back to them, their whispering behind my back as I spin on the fat ball of my fat foot and quickly waddle away.

Honestly, these crazy horror-fantasies served as huge motivation in the earlier days of my diet, back when people still looked at me like, "you are doing something different with your hair, aren't you?"  Back when I was reticent about telling people what I was 'attempting'.  Now I tell anyone who asks-because I am succeeding. Proudly proclaiming that I am dieting.

So yesterday I realized I have lost some of my spit and vinegar for being super-strict with this diet and that the horror-fantasies have gone away.  I realized how much HARDER it is becoming to stay anal about what I put into my mouth as more and more people tell me that I look good, as I like my reflection in the mirror more than in many years.

While I still stick to the diet, it is not clockwork like it used to be...the thoughts creep in about pizza, pasta, etc, and they aren't immediately expelled-they are allowed to linger, hang out, sit for a spell.  This is really concerning as I know this is about the time when many people have problems with sabotage.

Is it easier to put down the Reeses and eat the celery if you hate yourself, feel paranoid about others talking about your bulky thighs, feel disgusting when you have to strip down to shower or be intimate with your spouse?

I think that 'normal' weight folks with normal thinking patterns, when people tell them they look great, they probably continue what they are doing with renewed abandon, but I can't help but feel complacent.  And let's face it, complacency is what made me a walking time bomb in the first place.

Is finally being treated like an 'average' member of society going to be my downfall-are the judgement and snarky comments from friends and family what I need to continue to pursue health and being more 'average'?


The Merry said...

I still carry on imaginary conversations based on animosities that are several years old. Even though I've moved away from a lot of the negative people, I still carry their voices in my head. I've started making fun of the whole imaginary confrontation scenario:
[imaginary nasty person makes nasty comment]
[imaginary self makes witty, biting comment]
[real self: applauds "Well done! Now, let's go imagine something else, shall we? How 'bout me and Hugh Jackman at the beach...]

Crazy Fat Girl said...

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I weighed 192 lbs for about 10 years. Then I ballooned to 248 and spent about 5 years yo-yo-ing between 199 and 248. At 248 I thought "if I only I were 192 I would be happy." I hit the 199 and have struggled with my momentum. It is in my head that maybe this is "good enough." My health is not in danger. The aches and pains are gone. Well it is not good enough. This time I want to go ALL THE WAY!!

Let's do it!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

As I read through my blogroll and visit new blogs, I keep seeing within the 'follow' portion of these blogs, a small photo - not of someone's face, but of a beautiful dog dressed as a reindeer. I simply had to come and check it out. I'm certainly glad I did. Wonderful blog; had to add it to my reading list. BTW, let me give my condolences. I most certainly sympathize; I lost my beautiful rescued golden girl Mandy in October and, well.....enough said, right?