Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Monday, January 17, 2011

Honest is as honest does

Upon receiving this great award from Michelle,  I thought long and hard about what being an honest blogger means to me, and possibly some of you others out there.
When I started this blog, I was grieving heavily and wanted to share my story and joys about Polar, but moreso it was so that I was publicly accountable for what I was going to try...so that I would be held responsible for my fuck-ups, cheating, and asinine tantrums-as I knew these would come as I cut back on my 'drug'.  Up until this blog, I never told anyone that I was attempting something until after I had already accomplished it.

However, with this blog something interesting happened...I realized that as a person, I worry more about what strangers, distant acquaintances, and fans of the blog think and feel about me, rather than the opinions of my close friends and family.  Not that my family and friends don't matter, but I guess I know how they feel, and don't doubt their support or feelings for me.

And as much as this journey is for ME, because I'm the one who HAS to look at the cellulite and rolls in the mirror, I do care about public opinion to some degree, I'm not going to lie and say those who don't like me can screw off (but if you don't like my dogs you CAN screw off).  

This is why I have been so successful in my diet, because I dread having to post about failures to you all.  Even if your comments are all nice and supportive, even on a bad week, I want to stand for something in your mind and don't want to sully your opinion by failing.

I want to be the 'gung-ho, no nonsense, take no prisoners dieter'.  Someone to gain motivation from...don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to be a 'role model', but I do want you to think I am doing the best possible.  Honestly, maybe part of me wants you to aspire to my weight loss numbers, because I have never been the showstopper or the prettiest/most desired girl in the room-even when I was super fit.  Trust me, I KNOW I have LOTS of issues, but I want to help somehow, maybe serve as an example of what can happen if you stick to your guns, bite the bullet, and shit or get off the pot.

Yes, I realize this all goes back to my need for recognition for my hard work.  Why I need this, I don't know, since my parents were more than supportive and encouraging growing up.

So to borrow from Michelle, I am very flawed, but I do know my strengths.  I can play sports really well, I understand science deeply, I am a fiercely protective friend, I have a pretty face, and I can lose the shit out of weight.  If my strengths, or weaknesses, can help you along your journey, then that makes me happy...and motivates the hell out of me, too.

So 10 honest things about me are:
1.  I look for my own worth in others opinions too much.
2.  I curse alot, but please don't hold that against me.
3.  I have intense fear of suffocating or drowning, but I love the water.
4.  I have a deep fear of my husband leaving me for someone skinnier.
5.  I want Karma to do her job and hurt those who have hurt me.
6.  I have a problem forcing my dreams on others, like wanting my husband to further his career, too, so that we can live more comfortably.
7.  My impatience is a force to be reckoned with-which is why my 1 pound losses really piss me off.
8.  Though I love my life and would NEVER change it now, I have a problem letting go of mistakes I have made in the past, even though changing those mistakes would mean a different life for me now.
9.  Though I have never been judgmental of others looks, I am extremely critical of my own looks and have unrealistic body aspirations for myself.
10.  Even if I get to a size 6, and get a great job with great pay, I am not sure that I will ever feel content or be completely happy with myself or my accomplishments.

Now I must nominate four extremely honest bloggers...
 Jennifer-she details her struggle with maintaining her goal and her obstacles along the way.  She is a great support and her honest blog is one to follow...
 Bethanny-she tells it like it is, the good, the bad and the ugly, and always entertains with great pictures, too!
Call me Ishamel-honest about her weaknesses and is a great writer-check out her blog!
Jennifer-loves to run, very supportive, open to suggestions, honestly wants to improve herself-love her!



Waisting Time said...

Thank you for sharing with us:)

Michele said...

In many ways, you are wise beyond your years. Your own self awareness is profound and I predict it will only deepen as you get closer to completing this journey. It is not just about health or weight, but so many other things. I, too, am incredibly afraid of drowning and I LOVE the water.

FatAngryBlog said...

I completely identify with 1, 2, 5 and 8!

Lanie Painie said...

Congrats on the award! you really deserve it. You picked some great reads, too!

Jules said...

Congratulations on the award...your post makes a ton of sense...

Patrick said...

Damn, you curse allot? No f@&kn way!
Hey, the award looks great on you!

Twix said...

Thanks for sharing and continuing to share. :) Congrats on the award!

Anne H said...

Good to get to know our fellow bloggers a little bit better.
And the cursing - I've got to stop - you just reminded me!

Shannie (akaSolidice242) said...

lol @ #2 I remember when that was me but I don't say curse words anymore I only write them. You know I thought I was following you a long time ago??? Anyways, I finally corrected that now I have to catch up on your posts.

Jennifer said...

Thank you so much!! You are so sweet :)

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Number 10 is the one I can relate to. Probably because I'm forty now and still don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel as though if I don't know by now, I'll never figure it out. Really honest post, and much appreciated. (and even though you don't want to look like a failure to your readers, we all suffer in one way or another with our own and that is probably what most of us think about anyway - you just look more human); still I do get it - it's an easy thing to say but no one wants to air their dirty laundry in front of the world.

Bethanny said...

Aww as usual awesome post. Seriously, you may be my long lost sister! I wished you lived in Michigan, or Ohio,,, :( Thanks for the award btw...

Teresa Mof said...

Holy great post Batman!

Tim said...

I'm also impatient and what's worse, I am a perfectionist too. I am my own worse nightmare! LOL

Great post :) It's always nice to get to know fellow bloggers a little bit more.

Roxie said...

Nice to meet you! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just linked to your blog from Ishmael's site. What a great day to visit, as this is a LOVELY post!!!! I look forward to getting to know you more as I continue to visit. Have a great day.

Call me Ishmael said...

Hey Polar's Mom, thanks for the award! We must be impatient, foul-mouthed twins because we share some of the same traits and life concerns. Thanks for being so honest -- great post, great read.

JW said...

I can 100% relate to all that you have shared. Thanks for sharing your honesty. ;) I will check out those blogs.

Julie said...

This was refreshing. It was heartfelt. It was down to earth. It was wonderful. This award is perfect for you!!! I loved your about yous.
You are rocking along with life and trying to grow each and every day. That's what makes you so exciting to read and learn from. Inspiring you are, funny I love, a great teacher I can learn from. Thank you for sharing.
Have a great day today and God Bless!!

Big White Granny Panties said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big White Granny Panties said...

Ooops. New to blogging. Hit wrong button when I tried to edit this.

I must tell you that I love reading your blog. it's like listening to my own voice in my head! Perhaps it's because we have a couple of things in common. I also did the grad school shuffle and got a Ph.D. It was eight years (I know, I know) of weirdness and sometimes hell. My spouse is an artist and I sometimes push him to further his career so that we can live more comfortably. He is also so handsome such that I actually had a woman in a bar look at me, look at him, then look at me again and say "how did YOU get HIM?" I (because I had a beer in me) looked at her and said "I make money and I put out. Clearly you don't do either of those things." But I'm still sometimes insecure about it. Finally, I am an Australian Shepherd Person. My boy dog is my fuzzy buddy. I'll admit I don't love him as much as my kid - but almost.

Thanks for posting and allowing me to follow along. I cannot imagine losing 60 pounds. But I'm going to keep following you so that I can continue to be inspired. Someday, I'll be brave enough to post pics.

But not yet!

Jackie said...

Oh, wow. My friend JW, who posted a comment on this page, was the source for my discovering this gem of honesty (your blog.) I love your spirit and can relate in so many ways to your ten honest things. As for me, I'm trying to find joy in the challenges of midlife, while loving my cat who is failing fast, and always looking for my blasted reading glasses! The pictures of your dogs complete the joy of reading your blog. I'll be back again and again. Jackie www.midlifemyway.blogspot.com

Rettakat said...

This is such a heartfelt, honest post. It reminded me that really, we all just would like to feel appreciated... a little bit of acknowledgment for our efforts. I really think it's a fundamental human trait.

I hear ya on not wanting to be a "role model". Yikes! I've laughed about that, and said to use me as the role model of what NOT to do...waiting until my age to get going on this, LOL!

Cracked up over the x rated talk... you are so articulate, if you stopped the cussin, you'd still have a great blog! Honey, you don't need them to get your heart across, you are a good writer!

For February, should we do a Month of Sweet Talk Challenge?? Nuthin worse than a dagnabit allowed, LOL!! Ha ha ha, I wonder what the thesaurus would say to sub for sh*t?! Mwa ha ha ha

Sorry, in a goofy mood. ;-)