So it has been one long...LONG...year and a quarter.
I have learned some things about my obese brain, body, insanity-these have mainly come from what I have read, because hey, when you're a food addict it's hard to foster any logic that will keep you from passing on the pie when your smelling it straight from the oven.
I dare say I still mostly operate in a food "haze".
Let me explain...I read once that men think about sex once every 7 seconds (seriously how do they get anything done??? But I digress...) However, I can honestly say that I think about food at least every minute less...
Oddly, yet honestly, enough, this explains why I get my good feelings, and release of good feeling chemicals from eating food...not sex.
Sure this used to be different, but for me, eating food has replaced almost every other satisfying activity out there. Scratch that, it HAS replaced every other activity...
I know obese people need to eat twice as much of the same 'comfort' foods to achieve the same high as normal weight individuals.
I also know that when I eat in front of the TV, that I continue to eat the same food long after it has served it's "intoxicating" functions. In fact, literature states that as we eat the same food, each subsequent bite holds less and less "intoxicating" power-ie our brain receptors that signal satiation and good vibes are less and less impressed with each swallow.
I also know food triggers the same area of my brain as does narcotics for a drug addict.
This is what I know-though it doesn't always keep me from the food, because I am flawed, and I know I can justify the pants off of eating whatever I want no matter the science that I "know".
Where I'm fucked beyond my physiology, however, is just about everywhere else when it comes to food...see I still remember Polar's passing, and now Pearl's, but I could not (for the past few months anyway), relive, remember, recover any of the agony and just plain old shitty misery I felt while losing all that weight...not enough to keep me from depression-eating back those 15 pounds.
And why could I not see how skinny I was at 159 pounds?? And moreso why could I not see that I was gaining weight again? I guess body dysmorphia goes both ways...this is not a lesson I wanted to learn this way!
I do know that I am never going to see myself as skinny, no matter what I weigh-this is probably where I am truly fucked, because I can honestly see myself going from a food addict directly into an anorexic mindset.
Yesterday I spoke with hubs about the fact that I trade one addiction like food, for another like shopping-but the fact is that nothing is as satisfying as food for me. Nothing.
You could say "don't give food the power", but you know what?? It will ALWAYS creep into my brain, every minute or so, and if my only power is deciding not to act on it, then I will have to deal with the constant "foodasizing" in my brain.
Because I'm always going to want to eat chips while watching football, go to dinner for celebrations, grab candy at work when I'm starving, make cookies when I am depressed, reward myself with pizza after a good day at work...
So while I sit here typing AND thinking about what I am going to have for dinner, I realize how food-centric I will always be, and how fucked my fat brain is, yet maybe my solace lies with the fact that knowing this may be the best weapon I have.