Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What I know for sure and where I'm truly F'd

So it has been one long...LONG...year and a quarter.

I have learned some things about my obese brain, body, insanity-these have mainly come from what I have read, because hey, when you're a food addict it's hard to foster any logic that will keep you from passing on the pie when your smelling it straight from the oven.

I dare say I still mostly operate in a food "haze".  

Let me explain...I read once that men think about sex once every 7 seconds (seriously how do they get anything done??? But I digress...)  However, I can honestly say that I think about food at least every minute less...

Oddly, yet honestly, enough, this explains why I get my good feelings, and release of good feeling chemicals from eating food...not sex.

Sure this used to be different, but for me, eating food has replaced almost every other satisfying activity out there.  Scratch that, it HAS replaced every other activity...

I know obese people need to eat twice as much of the same 'comfort' foods to achieve the same high as normal weight individuals.

I also know that when I eat in front of the TV, that I continue to eat the same food long after it has served it's "intoxicating" functions.  In fact, literature states that as we eat the same food, each subsequent bite holds less and less "intoxicating" power-ie our brain receptors that signal satiation and good vibes are less and less impressed with each swallow.

I also know food triggers the same area of my brain as does narcotics for a drug addict.

This is what I know-though it doesn't always keep me from the food, because I am flawed, and I know I can justify the pants off of eating whatever I want no matter the science that I "know".

Where I'm fucked beyond my physiology, however, is just about everywhere else when it comes to food...see I still remember Polar's passing, and now Pearl's, but I could not (for the past few months anyway), relive, remember, recover any of the agony and just plain old shitty misery I felt while losing all that weight...not enough to keep me from depression-eating back those 15 pounds.

And why could I not see how skinny I was at 159 pounds??  And moreso why could I not see that I was gaining weight again?  I guess body dysmorphia goes both ways...this is not a lesson I wanted to learn this way!

I do know that I am never going to see myself as skinny, no matter what I weigh-this is probably where I am truly fucked, because I can honestly see myself going from a food addict directly into an anorexic mindset.

Yesterday I spoke with hubs about the fact that I trade one addiction like food, for another like shopping-but the fact is that nothing is as satisfying as food for me.  Nothing.

You could say "don't give food the power", but you know what??  It will ALWAYS creep into my brain, every minute or so, and if my only power is deciding not to act on it, then I will have to deal with the constant "foodasizing" in my brain.

Because I'm always going to want to eat chips while watching football, go to dinner for celebrations, grab candy at work when I'm starving, make cookies when I am depressed, reward myself with pizza after a good day at work...

So while I sit here typing AND thinking about what I am going to have for dinner, I realize how food-centric I will always be, and how fucked my fat brain is, yet maybe my solace lies with the fact that knowing this may be the best weapon I have.


Dawn said...

I understand this, but I have no answers for the thing that scares me most is that some point ...after having done all this work I am going to pile food in front of me and eat it all and the next day and the next day. How can I know I won't because thats what I have done before.
I wish I had the answers to tell you how to deal with that fat brain but I have one too and I don't know either

Julie said...

I like food, I love food. It makes losing this weight so hard but I have and I did and I will keep it up but food will always be good. We just have to keep learning and thinking and working at this. And so will you. You can do this, you've done it and can again. I love your new dog. He is beautiful!!
Take care and have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Sarah said...

I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings about food. I try to explain to people the way that I'm thinking about food when I'm eating and when I'm not eating. I use the drug addict example all the time because it's so true. People look at me differently when I talk about food and how I think about food. Most people around me just tell me to stop eating or stop thinking about food, but they have no clue.
I don't know if it helps, but I totally know where you are coming from. I have no advice for getting over it, and if I ever find the secret I'll let you know.


Leslie said...

Well. You have said a mouthful! I identify fully and totally with everything you wrote here, for better or worse. It is really hard to deal with the constant bombardment of intrusive food thoughts - and like you, I "entertain" said thoughts way too often. Just before I read your comment on my blog and came to read your post, I was thinking of saltines and butter! Such bourgeouis thoughts for such a connoisseur as myself.

I'm glad you commented and got me back to your blog - I'll be checking in to see how it goes with you.

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Don't give food the power? That seems to be coming straight from the mouth of a person who clearly doesn't have a food addiction. Only until you've lived it can you fully understand it. It's more about learning to live with it on your terms; I like the way that sounds much better, and that's how I try to live my day to day. Some days are great, others not so great but at least I know what I'm dealing with.