Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Random Facts and Inconsequential Ramblings

Feel free to jump in!

My current stream of consciousness reads:

1.  I can't believe that people who don't poop for a few days can hold up to 30 extra pounds of shiz-nit in their colon!  Does that mean I am really 145 pounds already???  Imagine all the toxins crammed into my, well, nooks and crannies!?!?  Where can I sign up for a poop chute brushless crackwash? 

2.  Why do people, who have never been more than 5 pounds overweight in their whole lives, proceed to give me ~unsolicited~ advice on how to lose large amounts of weight???  When I need to maintain again-I'll give ya a call, until then can you shut the f-up and check out firsthand the state of your own colon?

3.  A multi-location study worldwide of year-long workplace weight loss programs showed that  between 5-10% of weight loss DRASTICALLY reduced cardiovascular risk factors, and that more than 10% loss was even better.  Yes, a little goes a long way, and no, you may not just lose 5-10%-I know you people! ;-)

4.  How do people run office lottery pools where people put in money each week and collective lottery tickets are purchased?  How do they keep it honest so that douchebag slacker from the mailroom doesn't stake a claim to their powerball winnings?

5.  Do I want to sleep with Hugh Laurie because his character House is hot or annoying or a chauvinist?  Does this mean I have daddy issues and should be working a pole somewhere for some real dough?

6.  Why are makeup brushes so expensive?

7.  Dysons are awesome, though mine smells a little.  (That's what she said...ba-dump-dum)

8.  Would my dogs eat me if I passed long enough out from a low calorie faint?  Would they even try to get into the dog food cabinet first???  Would they start with my meaty boobs?  Or do they stare at my thunder thighs just waiting for the day when they can tear off my juicy drumstick?  That's it I'm sleeping with the door locked from now on...

9.  Why do the large and tiny low fat pretzels taste differently?  Isn't it just a size thing or are the recipes different?

10.  What the fuck is wrong with my brain and why the fuck can't anyone come out with a decent tasting fat free fucking cookie???  And yes, I know fucking a cookie is a sin.


BeesKnees said...

Why are makeup brushes so expensive? I don't get that. Even the Sephora brand brushes are crazy expensive.

On that same note why are Dyson's so damn expensive. I do love my Dyson but fuck I paid $500 for it, thank Jeebus QVC let me break up the payments.

Love your blog BTW...


Anonymous said...

This is SO freaking funny! Love it! Totally understand your cookie problem! All diet cookies suck. I opt for the 100 calorie packs of good tasting cookies but damn...that sucks.

Twix said...

30lbs!?!?!? Holy fat tomato COW!! Really!! Hmmm.... no that's a sad thought. Because once you push it out, it will just fill back up. ;-) Kind of like the never ending cycle of dirty dishes.

Sarah said...

Hilarious. #2 is my fav, although I agree with the whole thing. I have so many of the same thoughts. I was cracking up. Is there something wrong with us since we both think about this random crap??


Rapunzel said...

giggle..love this post! I don't know about the House thing but apparently lots of women feel the same way. Maybe you just want to put a smile on his grouchy face? ;)

Julie Lost and Found said...

hahaha!!!! You made my day! Too funny!