Random Facts and Inconsequential Ramblings

Feel free to jump in!

My current stream of consciousness reads:

1.  I can't believe that people who don't poop for a few days can hold up to 30 extra pounds of shiz-nit in their colon!  Does that mean I am really 145 pounds already???  Imagine all the toxins crammed into my, well, nooks and crannies!?!?  Where can I sign up for a poop chute brushless crackwash? 

2.  Why do people, who have never been more than 5 pounds overweight in their whole lives, proceed to give me ~unsolicited~ advice on how to lose large amounts of weight???  When I need to maintain again-I'll give ya a call, until then can you shut the f-up and check out firsthand the state of your own colon?

3.  A multi-location study worldwide of year-long workplace weight loss programs showed that  between 5-10% of weight loss DRASTICALLY reduced cardiovascular risk factors, and that more than 10% loss was even better.  Yes, a little goes a long way, and no, you may not just lose 5-10%-I know you people! ;-)

4.  How do people run office lottery pools where people put in money each week and collective lottery tickets are purchased?  How do they keep it honest so that douchebag slacker from the mailroom doesn't stake a claim to their powerball winnings?

5.  Do I want to sleep with Hugh Laurie because his character House is hot or annoying or a chauvinist?  Does this mean I have daddy issues and should be working a pole somewhere for some real dough?

6.  Why are makeup brushes so expensive?

7.  Dysons are awesome, though mine smells a little.  (That's what she said...ba-dump-dum)

8.  Would my dogs eat me if I passed long enough out from a low calorie faint?  Would they even try to get into the dog food cabinet first???  Would they start with my meaty boobs?  Or do they stare at my thunder thighs just waiting for the day when they can tear off my juicy drumstick?  That's it I'm sleeping with the door locked from now on...

9.  Why do the large and tiny low fat pretzels taste differently?  Isn't it just a size thing or are the recipes different?

10.  What the fuck is wrong with my brain and why the fuck can't anyone come out with a decent tasting fat free fucking cookie???  And yes, I know fucking a cookie is a sin.

Giving Thanks Bob Harper-style

When my nuggets of wisdom come from reality TV, it makes me wonder about the status of my life. Ha!  But then where in my real like would I run into such veteran weight loss gurus as Bob Harper-the infinitely less abrasive long-standing Biggest Loser trainer?

So as you guessed, I was watching The Biggest Loser this week, and was very interested in the exchange between Bob and Antone, while discussing John's ambivalence on the scale.

You see, every week John gets up there, pulls very decent numbers pretty consistently, yet he is always disappointed to some degree.

And you know what Bob said???  He said that since John didn't appreciate his losses, that he would never realize how far he had come, what he went through to get there, and therefore it would be super easy for him to regain his weight...

I wonder if this is a problem for all Medifasters, too?  See we are conditioned to expect 3-5 pounds of loss per week based on program design, because hey-that is what the posters and ads all say, as well as what my weight loss counselor said initially...

So we see these losses, come to expect them as regular, and pretty soon 30, 40, 50, 100, etc., pounds are gone, and we may have never stopped to realize in actuality how difficult it really is to lose weight, how devoted we were to do so, and how skinny we have become.  Heck maybe this is a problem for everyone?

See, I realized that I never STOPPED pushing myself, being tough on myself, staying focused, to say "hey, that is a shit ton of weight that you lost, look how good you look, feel how good you feel, good for you!!!"  Sure at the end when I hit 159 I was pretty proud of the number, but I'm not sure I really knew how skinny I was-obviously I didn't because when I gained a few back I had virtually no idea.

Now I'm not talking about taking a break from dieting, but snapping out of the zone to have some a-ha moment, doing a happy dance, etc.

I guess I let the routine get so routine, that I never fully grasped how far I came because one week was the same as the next-being a machine is not always good I guess.  This may sound very 'poor little rich girl', but seriously I have to realize that if I don't cheer my success then I won't see my failures coming until the rolls are hitting me in the face (quite literally).  

I think my Medifast counselor even realized that I was not appreciating how well I was doing after a while, but at that point I was a lost cause-being cranky over a three pound loss because it wasn't five...but by then it was too late, my mindset was, well, set.

Therefore this time I will make much more of an effort to appreciate my successes, because I know I will lose weight, that is not in question, but I need to be proud of myself, so that my success does not mean hitting goal, but cheering the journey every step of the way...  

So my journey is just that, a long yet satisfying push to goal, and is not summed up by my destination alone-only then will I be thankful for what I've done, where I've been, and how I look and feel NOW.

"Jillian" starts with a "B"

This Thanksgiving I will be thankful for many little things...

It's amazing how we lose sight of the small joys in life-
like being able to sit to pee.

Yes, Jillian Michaels took that little joy away from me, so this Thanksgiving I wish her a burnt turkey...

Ok, who am I kidding?  I would not wish bad food on my worst enemy, but seriously, her 30 day Shred is NO joke.

After seeing The Biggest Loser for years with her tough love whipping couch potatoes into a fine mash puree, I should have known better.

Sure I do the elliptical 6 days a week, and sure I survived p90x, and of course I discounted the myriads of great reviews on her DVD touting their wonderful fit agony when I was browsing Amazon...

So my brilliant head stated "how can 25 minutes of exercise be that hard?"  And "I can do anything for 25 minutes".  That last statement is true, and I have done her DVD start to finish without missing a beat...but the next morning-whew!

As I was looking for the tire tracks marring my pretty bed coverlet from the truck that plowed me over, I remembered the semi was none other than Miss Peterbuilt herself-Jillian the Villian.  (Yes, I know I spelled it wrong, but I rhymes and emphasizes my drama!)

From the waist down, I am useless (that's what he said, ba-dump-dum).  So I stretched, I popped some ibu's, I stretched again, and yet urination may as well be a four letter word.

First he only gains 5 pounds while eating double the crap that I was, now he gets to stand to pee-more evidence that my husband has made a deal with the devil.  Bastard.

This is SO inconvenient, as I truly need all my muscle coordination and faculties in order to use my extra pounds for the good of mankind and kick some Black Friday ass...

Anyway, besides LOVING my new JM DVD, nothing else new here, eating well, exercising to the best of my hobbled abilities, and plugging forward.

Stay safe and sane this holiday-and if you see any good online black friday ads for an LCD/LED 50+ inch TV, let me know!

What I know for sure and where I'm truly F'd

So it has been one long...LONG...year and a quarter.

I have learned some things about my obese brain, body, insanity-these have mainly come from what I have read, because hey, when you're a food addict it's hard to foster any logic that will keep you from passing on the pie when your smelling it straight from the oven.

I dare say I still mostly operate in a food "haze".  

Let me explain...I read once that men think about sex once every 7 seconds (seriously how do they get anything done??? But I digress...)  However, I can honestly say that I think about food at least every minute less...

Oddly, yet honestly, enough, this explains why I get my good feelings, and release of good feeling chemicals from eating food...not sex.

Sure this used to be different, but for me, eating food has replaced almost every other satisfying activity out there.  Scratch that, it HAS replaced every other activity...

I know obese people need to eat twice as much of the same 'comfort' foods to achieve the same high as normal weight individuals.


I also know that when I eat in front of the TV, that I continue to eat the same food long after it has served it's "intoxicating" functions.  In fact, literature states that as we eat the same food, each subsequent bite holds less and less "intoxicating" power-ie our brain receptors that signal satiation and good vibes are less and less impressed with each swallow.


I also know food triggers the same area of my brain as does narcotics for a drug addict.


This is what I know-though it doesn't always keep me from the food, because I am flawed, and I know I can justify the pants off of eating whatever I want no matter the science that I "know".


Where I'm fucked beyond my physiology, however, is just about everywhere else when it comes to food...see I still remember Polar's passing, and now Pearl's, but I could not (for the past few months anyway), relive, remember, recover any of the agony and just plain old shitty misery I felt while losing all that weight...not enough to keep me from depression-eating back those 15 pounds.


And why could I not see how skinny I was at 159 pounds??  And moreso why could I not see that I was gaining weight again?  I guess body dysmorphia goes both ways...this is not a lesson I wanted to learn this way!


I do know that I am never going to see myself as skinny, no matter what I weigh-this is probably where I am truly fucked, because I can honestly see myself going from a food addict directly into an anorexic mindset.


Yesterday I spoke with hubs about the fact that I trade one addiction like food, for another like shopping-but the fact is that nothing is as satisfying as food for me.  Nothing.


You could say "don't give food the power", but you know what??  It will ALWAYS creep into my brain, every minute or so, and if my only power is deciding not to act on it, then I will have to deal with the constant "foodasizing" in my brain.


Because I'm always going to want to eat chips while watching football, go to dinner for celebrations, grab candy at work when I'm starving, make cookies when I am depressed, reward myself with pizza after a good day at work...


So while I sit here typing AND thinking about what I am going to have for dinner, I realize how food-centric I will always be, and how fucked my fat brain is, yet maybe my solace lies with the fact that knowing this may be the best weapon I have.

Low fat takes on my TG Day favorites

So the old me would have made these with EVERYTHING...but through trial and error I have realized there isn't much taken away at all in regards to taste if I low-cal these up a bit...

Sure they are a bit of a splurge, but the substitutions are pretty numerous and the calories relatively lower than the originals, so here ya go!

Spicy Creme Corn
-Two cans or frozen corn
-Fat Free cream cheese-about 1/2 to 3/4 pack is fine
-Half stick of margarine or equal amount of spread
-Jalapenos (diced), I like them pickled from a jar, but if you use fresh I recommend turning them over in the pan with the margarine first so you don't burn your mouth (and subsequently your asshole) off
-Garlic salt (pinch), or fresh garlic (clove) sauteed in the pan with the jalapenos
-1/4 sweeter onion (in pan with garlic and jalapenos first)
-options-mild chilis or other kinds of peppers or rotel


What I love about this dish is it's flexibility in preparation-can be done days before, the day of, and eaten much after and tastes great each time!


Yukon potato puree
-8 yukon golds
-1.5 cup skim milk
-1/2 half and half or other lower fat cream
-1/4 fat free sour cream
-1/4 cup margarine or low fat spread
-1 tsp salt
-optional-1/8 cup parmigian cheese 
This recipe is a little more in depth, but well worth it, though it is higher cals than the corn recipe, and I usually only make one of these per holiday meal.
So peel and quarter and rinse potatoes, then boil them with salt gently for 10-12 minutes or until ready...
Heat milk and cream until hot but NOT boiling-microwave works well
Drain potatoes and heat in pan to dry them over low heat for ~1 min
Mash/rice potatoes in pan
Mix in butter and optional cheese and sour cream
Add hot milk and cream mixture until puree as soft as you would like
Salt and pepper to taste


Enjoy!
pepper

Relapse is a dish best served with Ranch

How are you all??

I'm kind of back.  Sorta.  Kinda.  Maybe.

Everytime I tried to come back, I read my last post and realized that after reaching goal, the wind went out of my sails, and the reason (anger over losing Polar) of why I was pushing so hard just left.

And I felt sad.  And then it happened again.  Pearl, Polar's sister, had a spinal stroke which caused Wobblers, the same thing from which Polar died.  Then she developed diabetes from the steroids which were treating her Wobblers.  Needless to say, it was a tug-of-war in which she would undoubtedly come out the loser no matter which ailment we treated.


So she was put to sleep...on Memorial Day.


And I ate.


I ate 15 pounds back onto my butt, thighs, face, etc...so I'm back in my next attempt to get down to 145, a weight I have not seen since highschool as you may remember.


This time I am not doing Medifast strictly.  I have found these Eating Right micro meals which I love, because let's face it, I am one lazy cook.  The rest will be the same, several small, low cal meals /snacks throughout the day, and water water water.  Also P90x, elliptical, and some Jillian MIchaels thrown in there to keep me honest...cause let's face it she is one scary bitch who would scare the fur off a grizzly.


Oh, and walks every morning...with this guy.  

Duggan

 

 

 

So this is Duggan, our new deaf baby.  Well, actually he is almost 3 years old.  His street name is Taco, because when the rescue went to get him at the animal shelter they said that he only spoke Spanish...because he didn't respond to the staff.  HAHAHA!  Rescue said, uh no, he is DEAF, not HISPANIC.  
His name is also Taco because he loves to steal them, when you are mid-bite.  No joke.

So here I am...I'm back if you will have me my friends! On to the next weight loss goal!

A Year and a Goal-come and gone

One year ago tomorrow, I lost my boy.

One year ago I was sitting on the floor of his room, covered in white hair and pee, because he was stress shedding as he was peeing himself and could not stand anymore.

I was cramping and crying.  I remember what I was wearing, not just because I still look at the pictures. I don't need the pictures to take me back to that day.  
I have not worn that shirt since.

The last day

After he was gone, I cried and hugged him for about a half hour-watching the color of his nose turn from blood-perfused pink to hypoxic purple.  I covered him in a sheet, stood up and accidentally stepped on his foot.  I actually apologized, but he didn't pull it away-it all became more real with each passing second.

While trying to lift his body into transport to the crematorium, I threw out my back-just desserts in my opinion.

I clipped some of his hair which I still carry in a ziplock baggie in my wallet.  Hair and ashes are all I have left.  Or so I thought...

I was 250+ pounds (still harboring a $10K lapband that I failed to use), depressed, and totally uninterested in life.  After he was gone, life held even less meaning.

Before Polar's Death:  March 2010-I actually felt thin that night, I'm hiding behind a plant in the dark , and I'm still HUGE.

My husband didn't know what to do, bless his heart.  I cried everyday for 3.5 months.  I tried really hard not to cry in front of anyone, except Pauli, my brown furry therapist...

In March 2010 prior to losing Polar: with the Fudger

And I tried to understand why I was so upset over the death of a DOG.  Then I stopped looking at the pictures of his last day, and started to remember him this way...

 And this way...

And I realized why I was grieving so hard-
Polar WAS what little zeal I had for life-the sliver of optimism and motivation and perseverance that I was struggling to find and hold-he had it in spades.

He was my role model.  Deaf and partially blind, doing everything he wanted to do, and trying everything even though he often failed.  He never stopped trying new things, repeatedly finding the joy in life.


I didn't have to look far to find my joy, because he gave it to me.  I received the sliver of everything positive I needed in him, as well as in bits of everyone and everything else-except for myself.  

I had stopped trying to push myself to find my own fire, when or why exactly I don't know... But I was living off of Polar.  When he died, I had no choice-my silver lining was gone.  I hibernated, slept away my free time, retreated into grief, ate even more.  I am sure I was clinically depressed, and at times I still feel the all-consuming grief.


When I lost Polar, I realized that alot had changed, and that I was the only one not changing.  If I wasn't going to change and acknowledge what he gave me-respect his memory-then I may as well check out-permanently.  Because I was not living, not really.


Two weeks later I went to Medifast-walked in on a Saturday morning.  Plopped down my credit card, and a thousand dollars or so later, I chose my path.


For me, it was the road less traveled.  I chose change, to push myself, find my fire.  In part because I knew Polar would never forgive me for giving up, since he did so much more with so much less.  But mostly because I knew if I didn't take a risk to change my life, then his lessons would be for naught, and it would be as if he never existed-and what a loss that would be.  Let's face it-I was on a path with an early death.

So I sit here today, 160 pounds.  Shattering my goal of 161 by a whole pound.

When I think I still have a fat body in this pic from last weekend, I look at it in reference to my hand size...

Sure I would like to lose 15 more, if that is even possible with my body type.  

But I am going to Turks and Caicos in two weeks with my wonderful husband, and for the first time, I am enthusiastic about sitting on the beach in a bathing suit.


Now I can cross my legs without having to squeeze them to stay that way, I have no cankles, and I don't feel like my arms are stuffed sausage casings...and apparently I have collarbones and shoulder blades.  I walk down a hallway and look passersby in the EYE.  Who knew?!


I still see a fat girl in the mirror, and that may take years to reverse, but I am starting to believe the compliments.  Or at least I am not immediately refuting them...


But for once, I am happy and hope actually seems possible...And I know Polar is proud of me.

Three weeks ago in San Antonio

Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey.  I love you guys.