Polar Bear

Polar Bear
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Friday, February 18, 2011

When weight is all you can control

Death, taxes, drunk drivers, February snow in Texas, alien abductions...

And the answer, Alex, is "What are things we cannot control"?

I realized today that losing weight is the only thing I can really effect.  Destiny?  Not so much.

I'm starting to understand more and more why those with undereating disorders starve themselves.  If their lives are anything like mine, they take that little nugget of control and run with it.

I realized today that it doesn't matter how much I prepare, read articles, take classes, offer solid experimental suggestions-my opinion will never be taken seriously by my boss.

Many of you are probably saying, "Yeah join the club."  But in my education, the whole purpose of getting a science PhD is to LEARN how to THINK analytically and use known info to answer new questions-in other words-Independent Thinking.

I have told you that my boss is a micromanager, but today takes the fucking cake.  See I have my own project, one that granted HE chose for me based on what he wanted to pursue, but I have tried to make it my own and take ownership since.  Because at some point I need to be able to pose the future questions and solutions based on the results I see day to day-by myself.

But he has a plan...many in my lab think it doesn't matter what the results say because the boss sees everything through rose colored glasses and will keep repeating an experiment until he sees the results he desires.

Until today I wasn't sure if that was true.  Today I offered a really good suggestion, to replace our current mouse model with a MUCH better, cleaner model that I found in the literature.  And he shot it down.

The fact that my work really doesn't matter, that my name will be put on a paper with less than clean results, and that I will never be allowed to develop as an independent scientific thinker makes me want to fucking drop out.  And it makes me sick to my stomach.

No joke.

And it makes me want to exercise until I drop dead-because I can CONTROL that.  That is the only area where my hard work and initiative pays off it seems.

Sorry for the negative post, but I'm just so frigging pissed right now I can think straight.


Chubby McGee said...

You're entitled to be angry and frustrated. I'm very sorry you had to go through that. :( Makes me sad to know that your genius is going much underappreciated. (reminds me of being a teacher...trust me)

BUT...I say go work out. Use your frustration in that positive manner. I love that you didn't even think about diving into a dish of ice cream or a big bowl of fettuccine alfredo. I love it! Go at it, babe! Burn off your anger.

And always remember that little thing called "karma."

*big hugs to you*

Lifeinblubber said...

I completely understand where you are coming from with this and I leave your scientifc mind with a quote from another scientific mind
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
~Albert Einstein

This quote hangs in my cube thanks to a fantastic collection of mouth breathing managers at my place of employment ;)

Need to Get ME Back said...

Sorry to hear about that. I'd be pissed too. You're right about the control thing. It makes you feel powerful to put in work and get results.. so at least you can do that in your personal life with the weight loss.

Karla said...

Anger and frustration must be in the drinking water!!!

Michele said...

I would guess that many folks in the peer group of your boss know the kind of scientist he is. I would also guess that they recognize shoddy work if that is what you are saying. They are not stupid, you know. It may not seem helpful, but, it is only one paper-you will have a career full of others.

I do not know what perks you are getting at the institution where you are at for your doctorate, but, if you are really unhappy there are other places to go. You are bright and courageous. No need to stay there.

Getting a doctorate is not easy and definitely full of obstacles. But, if you love the work you are doing, it is worth it. I love the work I do. It was worth it. Don't give up.

Life as a Caterpillar said...

I hope you ahve abetter day tomorrow. That really sucks


The Merry said...

Ouch. That sounds a lot like my workplace, minus the PhD and the mice. Or maybe I'm the mouse, and my job is one great big experiment. I hope things get better at your place!

Julie said...

One day, the bosses above will see him for what he is until then do your best, let the Lord do the rest and hope and pray that things change.
Good job on working out instead of pigging out. YEAH!!!. That was me the beginning of the week, so fustrated wanted to kill the treadmill with miles and speed.
I'm sorry your weekend ended so terrible. I hope that next week will be better. Your way to smart to let all that brain power go to waste.
Take care and have a blessed weekend.

Tim said...

I don't blame you for being pissed off. I certainly would too.

I had a similar boss who would always have his own way and he'd use his power to make sure that happened. As we were all temp workers, we couldn't really go against him in fear of our jobs so the only way we could get our way was if we planted the seed in his head and made out that he was the one coming up with the idea. It sucked because he got all the credit for things but it made working under him slightly better.

As a reader above posted, I hope his bosses find out the truth about him soon and they'll realise that he should change his ways or change his job.

Ann said...

Today is a new day. Just remember that if you keep doing what's right, karma will come back around. (and vice versa.) You're a great person with big goals - and things WILL get better. :)

Anonymous said...

I can totally understand why your pissed! Wish I could make it better for you...keep your chin up...I agree with Ann...karma will bite him in the ass!

Ella said...

As a nurse, I have a multitude of mouth-breathing micro-managers I have had to deal with over the years... charge nurses with ego issues... doctors with ego issues... nurse managers with ego issues... (yup, lots of egos to deal with in healthcare... and it is amazing how it becomes the NURSE'S fault when something the doctor did isn't working the way they thought it would!)

I ended up moving my entire family 1900 miles away to find a more positive work environment. I have a lot of friends who have gone through the doctorate programs in different fields of study... it seems to always be full of this kind of garbage.

I hope it gets better... just remember, YOU already ARE!