Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Friday, August 27, 2010

Living the fantasy, or creating a nightmare

So I found my mind drifting at work today, not an infrequent occurrence I might add, thinking about going to a class reunion.  In a Ferrari.  In a Gucci dress.  Size 6.  Botoxed and facial peeled to perfection.  Everyone gawking, in addition to looking old and haggard as sh*t while I shine like the top of the Chrysler building.

This is a common destination for my imagination.

As is shopping, ala Pretty Woman, at Saks/Neimans/Barneys etc and having normally fat-phobic salespeople fawn over my beautiful figure in very expensive clothing.  BTW this particular fantastic thread may also involve winning the lottery to support this expensive prostitute-meets-Prada shopping spree.

Then there is the 'running into old boyfriends/fiances/snooty a-holes in the mall or airport' fantasy.  Them looking horrible or disheveled, me spotless and glossy as usual, being aloof, coy, without time for chitchat with the likes of them.

Then there is the 'running into the guy that got away' (not that I do not ADORE my husband), and him falling all over me trying to date me and get my number.  Of course I say no, but that's not the important part of this fantasy anyway.

The list goes on and on.  When I was most obese, I would retreat into these little neural nuggets, usually as I lay in bed, and this would accelerate me into a peaceful sleep.  At work, I would retreat into a fancier world, where I am skinny and perfect in every way, and the BOSS, of course.

However, what I noticed today is that my fantasies often involve me looking down or being better than others.  I realize now that even if those people were horrible pieces of crap to me and treated me as such, that is not a behavior I should be propagating when I am skinny-fied.  In addition, I do not want to fuel the 'skinny bitch' stereotype, and honestly my mom would probably slap my face if I tried to pull that attitude.

Maybe this realization means I am reaching a plain of enlightenment, where only my own betterment and getting thin is good enough?  Where I don't have to teach them all a lesson in respect?  That is what I like to think, as opposed to just thinking about my cravings too much to focus on anything else.

I need to clarify this relationship in my fantasies, and separate my quest for the skinny with getting revenge on all those wrong-doers (and yes it is all their fault LOL).  So while I will still think these fantasies from time to time, I now plan to make this skinny, put-together hip chick materialize, instead of floating in the fantasy yet eating my life into the dumpster in reality.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That's a good point, wanting to be thin and healthy for your own sake and enjoyment versus wanting it to teach em all a lesson. The latter sets you up for disappointment really because how likely is it that the encounters would go exactly as in your daydream? Besides, I believe that putting others down makes one feel anxious and threatened because you feel others will treat you the same and put you down, too, the moment you slip. Better to just focus on your own well-being, as you said.