Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dirty Diet-Crushing Thoughts about Doritos

Today I realized that I may not be as mentally stable within my diet as I thought, and it's not just thinking about cheating...

So I walked by my co-workers desk and immediately recognized a smell that I love-Doritos.  Thankfully he did not offer me any, because in that instant I was a slave to the Cool Ranch.  This small mental indiscretion, having eaten those lovely chips if only in my mind, opened a whole can of worms. 

I began thinking why am I on this diet?  My husband and real friends love me, and I am pretty good at avoiding feeling unloved by myself-I am exceptionally gifted at maintaining a loveless, yet peaceful marriage with my body.  Everyone at work seems to like me well enough, in spite of my weight, so I thought 'do I really care if they actually like me beyond being civil at work'?  In fact, I really don't care what they think, these acquaintances, with the exception of my boss, who I sometimes feel is embarrassed to let me go to conferences and make presentations-this is probably due to my low status on the totem pole, but in my twisted one track mind it is all weight related.

Then, after my mental cheating lead to this like-dislike-who cares train of thought, I remembered last night.  See last night, or rather when I got home from work, I drank half a Medifast meal replacement shake.  Mostly because that little bit filled me up for the moment, but partly because I wanted to eat dinner in two hours, and also get in a workout.  So I thought I'll just drink the rest after dinner at my fifth meal replacement time.  Sounds innocuous enough, but in actuality, I thought about doing the same tonight, because I hate drinking a shake at 9:30-10 right before bed-so my reasons where not noble in making this decision and bending my Medifast rules.

These two opposite, yet rule-breaking trends are common to me and my trials with dieting over the years.  I either go balls-to-the-wall and starve the sh*t out of myself, or cheat every so slightly until it keeps snowballing to derail me completely off the diet.  Equally unhealthy ways to function I realize.

Up until today, I felt strong and secure in my diet, but after seeing these two behaviors rearing their ugly heads, I have to wonder how truly dedicated I am to do things right, and to see things through to skinny fruition this time.  Polar's passing stretches further and further behind me, and while I still miss him terribly, I feel the motivation and reasons to do this diet are escaping me, as are my memories of him.

Not quite sure how I am going to find that strength to be a steadfast Medifast trooper again, because I know when I cheat, even a little bit, or start taking over and doing the diet to a desperate degree, I will fail.

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