Lately I have found myself staring at women. Not just staring-but dissecting them in my mind, but not in a negative way.
I often sit and talk to one of my bosses at work, and and truly jealous of parts of her. Her collarbones (you can see them!), her tiny waist (and she eats everything), etc. I stare at another small colleague and lust after her toned and shapely legs. Mind you I am not at all lustful FOR these women, just of different body parts of theirs that I like and wish I had.
My friend Ann, who is probably reading this, has very thin yet not stickly arms, and I wish they replaced my flabby hamhocks at the shoulder-I YEARN for sleeveless shirts! Yet another colleague of mine has no back fat...let me repeat-NO back fat.
Does this make me a lesbian-heck no-but I can certainly admit when some woman is beautiful. Damn that Angelina Jolie, I'd take just about everything she has. I realized today that this activity of piecing women together in my head to make my perfect figure, ala Mrs. Potato-Head, is probably not a good hobby.
See, I find that when I am talking to these people, I stare at these parts. Not a good thing to make people feel at ease-actually I admit it is super creepy and the only thing that keeps me from being really psychotic about this is that I am not a close talker. Imagine that coupled with body analyzing? Yikes, I would definitely lose the nice patient friends that I try so hard to keep.
So overanalyzing this as I often so I also realize this stems from my obsession with bodies, specifically being body conscious-not just of my figure, but of those around me. Most of all I combine these mental snippets secretly wondering what my figure will look like when the weight is gone-'will my legs look like hers, or hers over there?'
The sad part is that lusting after these body parts has become my reality because I can't remember what I used to look like. Sure my high school senior picture is hanging on my parents wall, in addition to almost every other class picture-but what did my body look like? I realize now that I never let people take full body shots of me, even when I was skinny, and mind you at that time I still thought I was fat. Again as stated in an earlier post, I would like to kick the crap out of the sulky skinny teenage me for being such a mental bonehead and not living life wide open-Not letting people take pictures of me, wearing bathing suits to the beach, quitting cheerleading not just because I excelled at other sports but because of the body conscious outfit. I don't think I ever told anyone that until now.
You can be damn sure when all is said and done, when I-as my new friend Debbie did-pack up my fatty fat fat clothes and ship them off to never never land, when my skinniest jeans-from high school-fit again, and when I can look people in the eye when talking to them, I will be in every damn picture taken within a 100 foot radius of me at all times.