I was riding the elliptical like a beast before...then a song came on my iPod...
It is called Moth's Wings, by a band called Passion Pit. The lyrics are the type that you can connect to anything happening in your life-but the melody...Wow, that is something entirely different. The best way I can say it is that it is gut-wrenching-like a gateway to some buried memories.
This song always makes me think of Polar. So I started sobbing. On the elliptical. With my heart rate at about 170. I realized that was not really conducive to breathing at the same time. Pauli was ready to dial 911...because we all know she can. ;-)
To me that song is about figuring out what's wrong, feeling like you are not alone, and moving on.
As the human race we are built to evolve, but does that mean moving past what and those who made us who we are? Forgetting our teachers after learning our lessons?
Well, Polar was my life lesson.
See I have often stated why I am trying to get fit, because he SO wanted to be active, to be healthy, and he couldn't when he got Wobbler's, and shame on me for having the ability and squandering it sitting on the couch and stuffing my face-glued to the TV.
So I thought about it and realized how he has changed me-some may think that I am strange to value him so much, that it is odd to learn so much from a dog, excuse me but to that I say fuck you, at least I learned something.
Therefore, I will NOT go through life just existing-breathing in and out is NOT good enough.
Everyday Polar was up, exploring his world, pushing his limits. EVERY DAY. He learned he liked to stand in front of the leaf blower-feel the wind on his face or butt, whichever suited him at the moment. How did he learn that? He put himself out there and took a chance. In spite of the scary leafblower.
He learned that I wouldn't hurt him when I squeezed his floppy snoz and gums-and he looked everyone in the eye. That's how I knew he loved me, because he looked me eye to eye, trusted me, and let me kiss his mushy face. How many dogs do you know that will let you mush their faces without pulling away? The guy was fearless, but he wore his heart on his sleeve. Think Ferdinand the Bull.
He gave everyone a chance, no pre-judgement, no matter how bad they smelled. Only when they wronged him did they lose his trust. If only to give trust like that, I would be as loved as he was by so many.
He wanted to be a part of something special, he wanted to help. He'd follow us around, stick his nose into everything we were doing-literally. He was set on bettering himself and his world. Broadening his horizons. Not skating by in life or flitting away his minutes-like he KNEW this was his one chance to be something special.
He was never jealous, fierce, or petty-I cannot say the same for myself.
SO WHAT if I learned so much from a DOG, a lower life form, a bag of furry bones? I learned not to squander the seconds, to grab all the sunshine I could, to leave everyone and everything better off than I found it-including myself.
I will win this battle, because I am evolving, and I will never forget that big, white, furry lesson that gets me to the finish line. I wish you all the same soul-bending force in your lives.
So because I had a great teacher in the most unlikely of forms-this is the loop in my head: Treat your body well, move more for those who cannot, make a difference for others by pushing your own limits and expectations, open your mind to recognize gifts in any form.
To those who know how I feel-I wish you peace and happy memories in the place of grief...
Hot 100 update #3:
1. Lost 3.5 pounds last week-may not reach goal but sure gonna try
2. Have stayed under 2000 calories-by far, though not the Horrodays yet
3. No weeks without a loss yet, but I did eat alot of turkey pepperoni this week...