Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Cruelty versus Compliments

I wrote a post a while back about little nuggets of rust in my brain that stem from cruelty induced decades ago and continue to haunt me today.

Then I read I'm Annie's post yesterday about the cruelty of a stupid young boy still haunting a lovely young woman today.

Naturally, the news is COVERED with stories of bulleying, and the talk shows are littered with instances of young women doing dangerous and frankly stupid things to garner the attention of young men.  The verdict-kids are cruel, yet we all covet the acceptance of others.  I don't care how much you protest about not caring what others think-EVERYONE cares at least a shred, whether or not they care to admit it-even if it's only their spouses approval between the sheets.  Unfortunately, most of us care too much.

So for me I know I have never forgotten those who wronged me, or who were cruel just for the sake of being cruel.  It's not like they were saying, "Hey, I'm really concerned that your thunder thighs may someday lead to diabetes or heart disease".  So my baggage is old, and runs deep, even after years of being fit, I still hear those voices in my head-heard them when I had 12% body fat.  And a very large part of me DEFINITELY wants to be a size 6 to prove those voices wrong.  Would these same assholes even notice if I was a size 6?  Fact is that they probably haven't thought about me since high school.

So why do I let them take up my valuable memory?  My boy Polar was the sweetest, kindest soul that I have ever encountered in an animal, and in most people, and yet my memory of him fades a tiny bit each day.  Meanwhile, I can still see these assholes faces PERFECTLY as they tell me my thighs jiggle, and that I am still 15 pounds too large no matter the weight I'd lost.

I always thought I held onto these memories to drive myself forward, as motivation to get skinnified.  And I must admit that this anger does kick me in the butt when I want to skip a workout.

But how much has it hurt me?  How many wrinkles has that teenagers pain set into my face?  Have these insults motivated my weight loss, or have they set into progression decades of not feeling like I was ever good enough?  My fear is that even when I am skinny, I will always see that teenager with the thick thighs.  I believe clinically it is called body dysmorphic disorder, and it is bad news, unless you are a plastic surgeon.  But when it comes down to it-I VALIDATED THEIR INSULTS.  They haven't followed two feet behind me for years whispering in my ear that my cellulite is showing.  I kept those nuggets of shit wisdom all by myself.

So my question to you is who do you remember that hurt you because you were fat?  And at what point should you release this hurt to be the healthiest weight loss winners you can be?


Kelly said...

Who do I remember? It was this vicious group of girls--in the 5th grade. I still remember the two biggest incidents. Ugh.

And when should I release the hurt? Well I *should* release it right now! But when *will* I release it? I don't know. Those kinds of bruises don't heal very fast, do they??

<3 to Polar. I bet he's in doggie heaven with my little Baxtar.

Lanie Painie said...

I was bone thin when I was a kid and I remember people calling me "ironing board" and "titless wonder" from high school. I tried like hell to gain weight back then. Well I showed them!

Jennifer said...

Hi. I am new to your blog. The part about your Polar being the sweetest soul in an animal...you totally have me in tears! I had the amazing gift of having a very special dog in my life. He passed away one year ago this month(he was 12 which was pretty old for his large breed) and I grieve for him terribly to this day. After a year it still hurts to think of him. I miss him more than words can say.

Anyway...just wanted to let me know that the pictures of the dogs are absolutely beautiful(I love large breed dogs), and that I could relate to your post. Thanks for sharing!


Polar's Mom said...

Hi Kelly-I most often think about guys being bad to me, but I KNOW girls can be awful. After all we are a catty species unfortunately. People overlook grade and middle school harassment I think, but middle school kids are the worst I think. I hope you are able to move through and better yourself in spite of the shit they dealt you.

Lanie-Initially I chuckled at your comment I admit, but then I thought about it and wondered if we actually propagate self-fulfilling prophecies? Hmmm... Tits are so overrated anyway. ;-)

Jennifer-Welcome to my blog! I was in tears when i wrote about him. I miss him so much and am scared shitless that I will keep forgetting about him a little more each day. He and his sister were my first giant breed dogs, but I have had many labs. Anyway, welcome and feel free to drop by anytime!

Lala said...

I am struggling with this a lot right now. A huge part of me is in a rage right now because my ex spent a lot of our relationship telling me that everything that went wrong was because I was fat. It was OK that he cheated because I was fat, and I should have "taken care of things on my end.". My feeling is that focusing on this is mostly destructive. I know I will never date someone like that again. And I know that focusing on those thoughts only continues to hurt me.

Polar's Mom said...

Oh Lala, I'm so sorry. Wow, I knew he was a douche but I didn't know he said and did all that though. Your weight, while it may have affected your confidence and interacting with him, did not physically make him whip out his junk and cheat on you. Losers always try to pass all the blame onto others when they are cornered-passing the buck is as old as time.
I'm sorry you had to deal with his shit, but am glad you are free of him now. No one should have to put up with that kind of negativity. It makes it hard to lose weight when your guy/inner circle isn't supportive. It's hard not to reflect on that rage I bet, but I bet when you become comfortable in your own skin and on your own and start to move beyond him and feel better about yourself, that rage will melt away and will just be bad memories. By then I'm sure you will be attracting the type of people that are worthy of your time and love-and they will provide you with new happy memories!

Michele said...

Now is the time to release that pain. It is part of your healing process. You can do it You are NOT that person that the bully was talking about. You are unique and wonderful. You are worth it.

I just found your blog. I am giving you a blog award. Stop by my blog on Tuesday to read more about it. It is about time you received an award!!! Your blogger friend, Michele
at http://ruminationsasiuncoverthewomanwithin.blogspot.com/

moderate-mama said...

Thank-you for the comment you left on my blog. It was just what I needed at the end of a long, hard day.

This post hits home with me because I have spent so many years actively working on letting go of past hurts. I think this *letting go* happens on a continuum.

I've been obese since the age of three, so I've taken my fair share of crap. You are right that middle school kids are some of the worst when it comes to bullying, but the really hard part for me was having a mother that called me "fat ass" more times than I care to remember. After being harassed at school all day I'd come home to her abuse. So, there was no soft place to land.

On good days I try to let go because I want inner peace....the rest of the time I feel like living well is the best revenge.

It's a wonder I've been able to maintain such a cheery disposition!


Sue said...

I remember just as recent as a few years back, as an adult, I had been to an engagement party and us young folk went back with the happy couple and some family and friends to a studio apartment. Us girls got there first so when the buzzer rang on the studio I answered the intercom. Apparently on the way up in the lift, the groom to be's brother asked who was the person on the intercom. When he realized who it was he said, of the fat one! My husband was in that lift that night and had to listen to these comments. He didn't know anyone at the party except me and the bride to be. I felt so embarrassed for him as well as my self. I still remember it and it follows me around every where, I can still hear the taunts.

Lala said...

Aw, thanks Polar's Mom. I believe you are right on all fronts. I think these things will fade, but I also think it takes a concerted effort to let them go. I believed the negative things that were said to me, and I took them in and let them rip me apart further. I think believing that about myself did more harm than someone saying it to me (if that makes sense). He's an ass, no doubt, but I want to be immune that that kind of behavior by believing in myself and KNOWING that I don't deserve that kind of cruelty.

Just Me said...

I really enjoy posts that make me think, so thank you. Some say you have to be cruel to be kind, but I don't believe it. I was a skinny kid and not overweight in high school so I wasn't teased that much - just about my braces. I can honestly say that I never picked on people because of the way they looked and I'm so glad that I didn't cause this kind of pain for someone. I have to say though, that I have been treated more cruelly since I started blogging than I ever have in my life...strange, huh?

Polar's Mom said...

Hi Michele-welcome to my blog, and thank you so much for the award!!! That was so sweet and thoughtful of you!

Mama-I don't even know what to saw. You can pick your friends but not your family I guess. The resistance and hard attitudes you encountered would have crushed most people, so I commend you for becoming the person you are! And it sounds like you have cultivated your own soft place to land-a true credit to your growth!

Sue-it is one thing to suffer abuse from idiot kids, but for an adult to say such a thing, and for your husband to have to hear it. Goes to show some of those idiot kids never grow up. But it shows another thing-that many of these cretans and others that don't say those things out loud, associate people with their bodies. For instance, I am a brunette with glasses, but most people probably just call me the tall fat girl. I don't know this for sure, but I have heard enough of these kind of comments about others to know they exist and probably classify me as well. The good news, we can change that moniker!!!

Lala-I agree-hearing something is hurtful enough, but believing them validates those words further I think, and lets them work into your being and become a part of you. Now that you are free of him, you can let you determine yourself without his 'input'.

Just me-I'm sorry that the blogging world has been cruel! I hope it has brought you as much support and kindness as it has grief?? I do agree about being cruel to be kind to a degree, but I think it really depends on the cruelty, if that makes sense... I think the biggest difference is that when people often hear these things as kids, they are not equipped to deal with them. As an adult I think-I'm going to lose a few to get healthier and skinnier and feel better about myself. As a kid I thought-how can I starve myself so that these people will accept me and why am I not good enough? But that is just my opinion...

Kelly said...

Oh, don't get me started on the boys, lol. In my situation, they never said much...that I could hear...well, besides the laughing. Argh.

But I am moving on from it. Although, still, at 30 years old whenever I hear a group of people laughing-whether male or female--I still wonder if they're laughing at me. :( Hate those feelings. But I'm getting better. :)

Polar's Mom said...

Kelly-You and me both. I hate that I am so paranoid. As if I even warrant people laughing at me! Ha! ;-)

Just Me said...

Thanks for your comments, PM. Yes, I have received a lot of support too. Cruel to be kind is one thing...mean and nasty is another. I always appreciate your comments.