I wrote a post a while back about little nuggets of rust in my brain that stem from cruelty induced decades ago and continue to haunt me today.
Then I read I'm Annie's post yesterday about the cruelty of a stupid young boy still haunting a lovely young woman today.
Naturally, the news is COVERED with stories of bulleying, and the talk shows are littered with instances of young women doing dangerous and frankly stupid things to garner the attention of young men. The verdict-kids are cruel, yet we all covet the acceptance of others. I don't care how much you protest about not caring what others think-EVERYONE cares at least a shred, whether or not they care to admit it-even if it's only their spouses approval between the sheets. Unfortunately, most of us care too much.
So for me I know I have never forgotten those who wronged me, or who were cruel just for the sake of being cruel. It's not like they were saying, "Hey, I'm really concerned that your thunder thighs may someday lead to diabetes or heart disease". So my baggage is old, and runs deep, even after years of being fit, I still hear those voices in my head-heard them when I had 12% body fat. And a very large part of me DEFINITELY wants to be a size 6 to prove those voices wrong. Would these same assholes even notice if I was a size 6? Fact is that they probably haven't thought about me since high school.
So why do I let them take up my valuable memory? My boy Polar was the sweetest, kindest soul that I have ever encountered in an animal, and in most people, and yet my memory of him fades a tiny bit each day. Meanwhile, I can still see these assholes faces PERFECTLY as they tell me my thighs jiggle, and that I am still 15 pounds too large no matter the weight I'd lost.
I always thought I held onto these memories to drive myself forward, as motivation to get skinnified. And I must admit that this anger does kick me in the butt when I want to skip a workout.
But how much has it hurt me? How many wrinkles has that teenagers pain set into my face? Have these insults motivated my weight loss, or have they set into progression decades of not feeling like I was ever good enough? My fear is that even when I am skinny, I will always see that teenager with the thick thighs. I believe clinically it is called body dysmorphic disorder, and it is bad news, unless you are a plastic surgeon. But when it comes down to it-I VALIDATED THEIR INSULTS. They haven't followed two feet behind me for years whispering in my ear that my cellulite is showing. I kept those nuggets of shit wisdom all by myself.
So my question to you is who do you remember that hurt you because you were fat? And at what point should you release this hurt to be the healthiest weight loss winners you can be?