When being fat squeezes the beef out of your sex life

Let me preface this post with the following...I really love my husband.  Not only in case he reads this, and to let you know a tad bit about more about me, but to let you know how supportive he is of me.

I met him when I was a size 10, and honestly I don't know when I ballooned to a 14/16 because he has never intimated in the least that I should shed a few shuckles...and trust me I would know if he dropped hints because I overanalyze EVERYTHING he says.  Another reason why I love him-he hasn't left my neurotic ass yet.

But maybe this is part of my downfall-I mean would I have ballooned if I had an asshole of a spouse who counted every calorie that went into my mouth and tsk tsk-ed when I tried to squeeze into old jeans or eyeballed ice cream in the g-store?  I mean would my confidence really have been worse than it is now if he had been a douche about my increasingly flubby thighs?

And I think NO-this was all my fault, and my confidence is in the dumpster all by itself-through no fault of his.  See-as with many of you out there I imagine-I am my own worst critic.  And this has permeated into every facet of my life-including being naked.

I abhor being nude, and even avoid bathing suits at all costs.  I was so phobic that for a while I stopped taking showers every day, just because I didn't want to face the cellulite in the mirror, and obviously because I was depressed I suppose.  Not pretty, but it is the truth, and I have nothing to hide from you.

My poor husband has been the victim of my drooping confidence.  When we met, we were intimate all the time, and I have always loved sex-when I was thin that is.  Then I dreaded the nudity, and the sex drive went down.  Then I got to my fatest, and the sex drive went away.  Pretty soon my dear, understanding guy stopped asking for it.  I may as well be yeast for as asexual as I have become (little nerd humor).  When he didn't ask for sex on his birthday, I didn't offer-and I hate that I was relieved to get out of it-damn selfish bitch that I am.

This pattern has happened in all my serious relationships-I lose interest in them, but now I realize I lost interest in sex, and probably treated some people pretty bad in the process.  These decreases in libido also corresponded with weight gain, though not as much as I have packed on my ass cheeks now.  But the big difference now-I love my husband too much to lose interest, and I don't want to lose him.

So maybe I want to feel like a horny teen again, but in my mind I truly want to save my marriage, because any man who will stick through the highs and lows and fats and thins is worth fighting for-this man who saw the mounting rolls of fat and yet still fancies a f*ck is worth me choking down 3 servings of veggies a day...so a-dieting I will go.