Polar Bear

Polar Bear
My Boy

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

When being fat squeezes the beef out of your sex life

Let me preface this post with the following...I really love my husband.  Not only in case he reads this, and to let you know a tad bit about more about me, but to let you know how supportive he is of me.

I met him when I was a size 10, and honestly I don't know when I ballooned to a 14/16 because he has never intimated in the least that I should shed a few shuckles...and trust me I would know if he dropped hints because I overanalyze EVERYTHING he says.  Another reason why I love him-he hasn't left my neurotic ass yet.

But maybe this is part of my downfall-I mean would I have ballooned if I had an asshole of a spouse who counted every calorie that went into my mouth and tsk tsk-ed when I tried to squeeze into old jeans or eyeballed ice cream in the g-store?  I mean would my confidence really have been worse than it is now if he had been a douche about my increasingly flubby thighs?

And I think NO-this was all my fault, and my confidence is in the dumpster all by itself-through no fault of his.  See-as with many of you out there I imagine-I am my own worst critic.  And this has permeated into every facet of my life-including being naked.

I abhor being nude, and even avoid bathing suits at all costs.  I was so phobic that for a while I stopped taking showers every day, just because I didn't want to face the cellulite in the mirror, and obviously because I was depressed I suppose.  Not pretty, but it is the truth, and I have nothing to hide from you.

My poor husband has been the victim of my drooping confidence.  When we met, we were intimate all the time, and I have always loved sex-when I was thin that is.  Then I dreaded the nudity, and the sex drive went down.  Then I got to my fatest, and the sex drive went away.  Pretty soon my dear, understanding guy stopped asking for it.  I may as well be yeast for as asexual as I have become (little nerd humor).  When he didn't ask for sex on his birthday, I didn't offer-and I hate that I was relieved to get out of it-damn selfish bitch that I am.

This pattern has happened in all my serious relationships-I lose interest in them, but now I realize I lost interest in sex, and probably treated some people pretty bad in the process.  These decreases in libido also corresponded with weight gain, though not as much as I have packed on my ass cheeks now.  But the big difference now-I love my husband too much to lose interest, and I don't want to lose him.

So maybe I want to feel like a horny teen again, but in my mind I truly want to save my marriage, because any man who will stick through the highs and lows and fats and thins is worth fighting for-this man who saw the mounting rolls of fat and yet still fancies a f*ck is worth me choking down 3 servings of veggies a day...so a-dieting I will go.


Lanie Painie said...

Your poor husband.
When I was almost 300 lbs I still wanted it, didn't care what I looked like. Needed that affirmation that I was still wanted and adored. Besides, it burns calories.

Nominating you for an award over @ my blog

Allan said...

still fancies a f*ck is worth me choking down 3 servings of veggies a day...so a-dieting I will go

Awesome !!!

Waisting Time said...

Without a doubt my body image impacts my sex life. Not in a good way. It is all me though; I know my husband "wants me" regardless of what I weight. Sigh.

Polar's Mom said...

Lanie-thanks so much for the nomination!!! And I still need affirmation, even though I'm not giving it up, which officially qualifies DH for sainthood, doesn't it?

Allan-glad you liked-does it cary even more weight if you knew I hate 95% of vegetables?

Waisting Time-Sounds like you have my kind of husband, and that you go through a bit of what I do...

Lala said...

That was awfully sweet! I totally agree with Allan... that was highly quotable! :-) I think your husband sounds wonderful and supportive, and that's definitely yet another good motivation for you!

Bethanny said...

Hey usually big beef with sex is a good thing! Im sure your hubby loves you no matter what. Turn the lights out, wear a moo moo if you have to, but don't punish both of you! You are still a beautiful woman and you are with someone whom you took vows with. If you trusted him and had enough confidence in him to take him as your partner for life, trust that he still finds you beautiful, and let yourself relax!