I met him when I was a size 10, and honestly I don't know when I ballooned to a 14/16 because he has never intimated in the least that I should shed a few shuckles...and trust me I would know if he dropped hints because I overanalyze EVERYTHING he says. Another reason why I love him-he hasn't left my neurotic ass yet.
But maybe this is part of my downfall-I mean would I have ballooned if I had an asshole of a spouse who counted every calorie that went into my mouth and tsk tsk-ed when I tried to squeeze into old jeans or eyeballed ice cream in the g-store? I mean would my confidence really have been worse than it is now if he had been a douche about my increasingly flubby thighs?
And I think NO-this was all my fault, and my confidence is in the dumpster all by itself-through no fault of his. See-as with many of you out there I imagine-I am my own worst critic. And this has permeated into every facet of my life-including being naked.
I abhor being nude, and even avoid bathing suits at all costs. I was so phobic that for a while I stopped taking showers every day, just because I didn't want to face the cellulite in the mirror, and obviously because I was depressed I suppose. Not pretty, but it is the truth, and I have nothing to hide from you.
My poor husband has been the victim of my drooping confidence. When we met, we were intimate all the time, and I have always loved sex-when I was thin that is. Then I dreaded the nudity, and the sex drive went down. Then I got to my fatest, and the sex drive went away. Pretty soon my dear, understanding guy stopped asking for it. I may as well be yeast for as asexual as I have become (little nerd humor). When he didn't ask for sex on his birthday, I didn't offer-and I hate that I was relieved to get out of it-damn selfish bitch that I am.
This pattern has happened in all my serious relationships-I lose interest in them, but now I realize I lost interest in sex, and probably treated some people pretty bad in the process. These decreases in libido also corresponded with weight gain, though not as much as I have packed on my ass cheeks now. But the big difference now-I love my husband too much to lose interest, and I don't want to lose him.
So maybe I want to feel like a horny teen again, but in my mind I truly want to save my marriage, because any man who will stick through the highs and lows and fats and thins is worth fighting for-this man who saw the mounting rolls of fat and yet still fancies a f*ck is worth me choking down 3 servings of veggies a day...so a-dieting I will go.